I don't know exactly what just happened but I just told my mother that I didn't need her in my life.
I've had a lifetime with her and it's felt like a life sentence. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward time and make her old and feeble so she could just sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and listen. But she's only 55, 17 years my senior and I'll probably be just as feeble by then.
I don't talk to her for three years and she explodes on me about The New World Order. I'm just gonna have to wash my hands of her because I refuse to be abused and disrespected by anyone, least of all the woman who gave me life and seems to begrudge it. She is the poison nurturer who wants you weak enough to submit. She sits on a high throne of narcissism, expecting your allegiance against your own siblings for she is the queen of all that is true. She raises her children in a cocoon of domestic violence, alcoholism, chaos and irrationality and she calls at 11:00 pm because your 25 year old brother is in her house, drunk and screaming at her. You ask yourself, why the fuck is she calling me about HER son? Why can't she control her house and her own children? What the fuck am I supposed to do when I live in another state, 700 miles away? Then you realize she's building an army against her own son and she wants you on her side against your own brother as a witness to his destructive behavior so he can be further punished and condemned by the rest of us, the queen's "advisers". You refuse and instead point out that domestic violence and alcoholism is learned at home in most cases and that you were also a witness to a certain mother of said accused who did the same thing every single day in front of him his entire life. Perhaps the chickens have come home to roost, mother. The queen orders the Gods of Dial Tone to remove your head immediately. You call her back and die a thousand deaths by dial tone. You are cut off from the court. You are exiled and banned from the kingdom. You have expressed opinions that are unfavorable to the queen. Now your name will be smeared, the army turns on you and you are the queen's unfavored. If you are ever allowed back into the kingdom, people you have never met will treat you as if they don't like you at first. You can tell the queen has tarnished your reputation to further punish you and even gather an army out of strangers if siblings can't be found. Whoever will listen, will hear of everything you've done since you were three years old and they will form a negative image of you, the indolent, ornery, ungrateful child of the poor embattled queen who does nothing but spend every waking minute thinking of her children and working for their benefit.
Except for the times she's at the bar drinking for 12 hours a day and staggers home to complain to you about the messy house and the 7 younger siblings that you couldn't keep up with. She doesn't know that around the neighborhood, they call you Ghetto Cinderella because of her. Because of her 13 year old daughter that always has a baby on her hip that doesn't belong to her. Because of the endless housework of running after 6 brothers and sisters who aren't near old enough to help out. Because of the way you have somehow managed to keep 6, 7, 8 kids somewhat decent looking, fed and disciplined and they knew it was not your job. Because they knew your mother wasn't working. She was drinking and didn't even have the decency to do it at home.
One day, your brother gets hit by a car and dies while the queen is at the pub. She doesn't make it home until 5 hours after he was pronounced dead on arrival. Imagine that you're 13 years old and the queen blames you for it. Imagine her never apologizing. Imagine her saying it to you again when you're 30.
I don't know how I survived my childhood. I suspect it's because the depression didn't seep in until I was 22 or 23. I believe I would have committed suicide or at least started abusing drugs very early in life, suffering from low self esteem, etc. if it wasn't for my presence of mind and the ability to discern right was wrong which is sometimes a rare quality in an impressionable child. Society gave me most of that self esteem and I believed society more than I believed a drunk who wouldn't even get up at night with her own baby or wash her own son's hair. She never did anything. She popped them out and I picked them up. She kept me out of school to watch children. She was a monster and she was getting away with it using her own daughter as a governess, a slave and a maid.
I ran away from home from age 15-16 and ended up in a few group homes when friends weren't hiding me out. Only one counselor understood that I was manipulating the system by holding back the abuse and neglect and warping the stories. I was trying to save the younger ones from foster homes by taking the punishment as an unruly child on myself. I got screamed at in juvenile court by a judge who reamed me out for reading VC Andrews. "Whatever happened to Treasure Island and the classics?". I read Treasure Island when I was 8, asshole. I would have to go back to group homes that I had maxed out my time with and they would waive their policies to have me back because I was a rock. I had no mental issues, I was well behaved and made friends easily and influenced the other girls positively. Some of them knew I was full of shit and I was no juvenile delinquent.
I went back home and endured the slavery for my last 2 years of legal childhood and nothing much changed at home. We had a final fight that ended it 3 months before I turned 18. It was pretty one sided. A misunderstanding, I don't remember it all. I exploded and swung my fist in her direction. Over those two years, I had been verbally abused, practically enslaved and never allowed to go anywhere as long as there were babies in the house, I had been accused by her of being sexually involved with my stepfather and beaten by her because of it. I had these ideas that she had never been maternal to me and that she may have even been jealous of me for being younger. Everything she had done to me reminded me in an abstract way of Munchausen's. I never felt safe or protected around her. The last time I spent time with her before she moved out of state, she attacked her boyfriend, wordlessly, viciously and suddenly because he brought me the phone to use. OMG. I was 31 years old and this was STILL happening. I sat in that room and cried after I made that phone call because rather than call my boyfriend to tell him I was spending the night at my long lost mother's house, I was calling the cab to take me the fuck home. I have no mother. Nowhere is safe in this world. I'm an orphan.
Three years ago, in a moment of clarity, she told me that she always felt as if her mother, my dearly beloved grandmother and the queen mother of my heart, was never maternal to her and she always felt as if my gma was jealous of her. Holy fucking Christ. I have been holding back those same ideas about her all these years thinking, I must be wrong. No mother would ever do that. As soon as she showed me the pattern, my heart went cold. I was right about her. She was jealous...of her own daughters. She has 4 of them. We have ALL felt the same way. While she's yapping away about my grandmother, my mind is racing back to every doubt I ever had about her being a succubus of sorts. There were no more doubts. This is a pattern of parenting that has to stop. How will I let this woman know that she has done the same thing to me? If I do, we're done. If I don't, we're DONE. Conundrum. Maybe not. Get rid of her. Let her go. She's fucked up and you can't save her, is what I tell myself. Concentrate on your own daughter. I do. My daughter and I are awesome together. Best friends forever. (or at least until the boys take her away from me lol) My mother and I never had what I have with my own daughter. My mother called me Wednesday Addams because I was sullen. I was sullen because of HER. She always blamed me for how I reacted to neglect and abuse. Sometimes the dark and emo have a reason. Sometimes they wear black because their brother died and their succubus of a mother blamed them. The black is an eternal funeral that I never met a match with until I heard the lifestory of Johnny Cash. "Are you going to a funeral?" Maybe I am. I was floored when I knew that Johnny Cash had said the same thing. His brother was on his mind. The guilt. The blame. Black shows it and hides it. I went to his funeral on my 14th birthday. I have never celebrated a birthday since. You think my mother would notice? No. I have no pain, just a TV character from the 60s to represent the complex person that I am. I'm just a Wednesday Addams, sad for no reason at all. Never inherited any mental problems from the long line of unstables. Nope. it's just me.
Three years since I've talked to her and all she wants to keep leading the conversation back to is the illuminati, some videos on her website, Loose Change, Bush 2 and conspiring to commit murder against thousands of Americans, and now... NOW, there's a weather simulator that is going to simulate an earthquake and kill millions of people on purpose and FEMA is in on it for some reason that still isn't clear to me except that they're just "The Government".
"To wherp a derp is to herp a derp."
That's what that kind of shit sounds like to me.
So, because I'm a realist and I'm all the way real, I'm laughing my ass off at my mother. She has started to yell at me by then because I was letting her know in a nice way that I'm not really into conspiracy stuff and what-have-you but you can't do that. You can't even pretend to comply with her wishes. She expects your membership into her Truther club and only your full submission to hours of talking about videos and eyes on pyramids, and the swastika, will do. Never mind that I haven't talked to this asshole in THREE YEARS and phone batteries are dying, she wants to talk about the fucking Illuminati. sigh
So I sit and listen some more. She's the queen. She WILL have your audience. SILENCE!
I can't take it anymore. She used the word "9-11".
"OMG! This is absolute nuttiness! Do you know how crazy this sounds to most of the population?"
Of course not. That's exactly what draws people who are undereducated out of the woodwork to believe bullshit like this. It appeals to people who think they are speshul snowflakes who are privy to something that is so above your head. You're too dumb and blind to see it and blah-the-fuckin-blah-blah. You know how they talk.
Now here come the insults.
"You're just like Daddy. He wouldn't listen to nobody..."
I know the coded insult in that one. My gpa was an illiterate man who couldn't spell anything but his own name. He also vowed never to see his abusive, 100 lash whipping, authoritarian, evil bastard of a father alive again and he would see him again at his fucking funeral. That's exactly wtf Daddy did, too. Keep it up, lady. I can easily make that same vow after all you've done to me. Yep. I'm just like Daddy. I wear it as a badge of pride. Fuck authoritarian abusers and the horse they rode in on. Honor thy mother and father my motherfucking ass. RIP, Daddy. The man made me a rebel with a damn good cause. Bullies fucking suck.
"You're stupid..."
O'rly? I'm a college educated, decently read human being who actually LOVES TO KNOW SHIT. Not conspiracies. HISTORY AND FACTS. I told her that someone who has never read anything but a tabloid and a Donald Goines novel will not give me lessons on stupidity. Go to school, ma. A mind is a terrible thing to waste and you're wasting it on BULLSHIT.
Uh-oh. I've done it now. I've angered the queen and brought her wrath.
"You're ignorant, you're nothing, you don't know anything, you are so far beneath me..."
Nice. Too bad I'll never believe it. Mother, you need to open a book because you're dumb. You're one of those nutty people that the rest of society calls "Truthers". You're always falling for scams that I have to save you from because you don't know anything about the world, apparently.
"That's why when the end comes, you'll be screaming for mercy..."
I was wondering when that part was coming. The fearmongering threats. Get on the Ark or else. Now, because I don't agree with the mad queen's crazy theories, she wishes death and pain and suffering upon me. That sounds suspiciously like The Rapture, doesn't it? Go to church and repent or else, you will be left behind to writhe in the flames. Yawn.
I finally gave up hope and through the shouting, I managed to articulate that after three years of not knowing what was happening with me, she chooses NOW to bully me with her Truther shit. I will not put up with it. Mother or not, nobody bullies me, nobody manipulates me and nobody insults me and can stay in communication with me. Who needs that shit?
Anyway, I was wondering if all this was connected in some way and I decided to write it out and try to make sense of some of these abusive patterns. There is a direct connection, it seems between under education and people creating their own realities out of thin air. I'm not the most educated person in the world but even I can see that it must be much more than education.
Or perhaps I can't see through the chaos of everything I've been through with her and I'm angry at her since the 70s. It's just so strange to me that everything we've stood on opposite sides about over the years wasn't the big polarizer between us. Whatever we disagreed on was laughed away in jest. But not this. This trutherism bullshit is the straw that breaks the camel's back. I do not care if I ever see her again in life. I'm not going along with trutherism, I'm not discussing it and I can't abide my own mother's voice anymore.
I just don't know what it means. After everything, Trutherism is what did it. I'm done and I feel cleansed. I also feel heartbroken and lost. How can I waste this time on earth with her when people don't have mothers to call and talk to about...anything and they wish their mother was alive to be a Birther, Truther, Hari Krishna or anything at all. But she won't let me. I can't be her loyal servant. I am her child. I expect a lot more than that.
Thanks for listening. I might be just an asshole like a certain one of my brothers who is harder than me and will cut her off quicker than I will, who knows? Whatever. I'm proud to be this kind of asshole. Mother's Day is coming up and I always wonder if my mother is thinking about me. She cuts me off, moves away, changes her number and I'm lost again. How could she abandon me and treat me that way? I'm so sorry for this long diary but this is a painful thing and I had to tell it.
PS- I might need some help with tags. I never know what the right ones are.
Update! Sorry about the Mother's day mistake. I meant to say her birthday is coming up on the 27th of this month. I'm angry right now and getting my dates confused.