Can we get this out of the way right now? Guys have sex. Freud was kind of right on this. Guys are all about sex. Guys have sex with women. Sometimes they have sex with other guys. Every once in a while with goats (sorry Mickey Kauss, just trying to make a point here). Guys have sex by themselves. Guys have sex with their wives. Guys have sex with other people’s wives. Guys sometimes have sex with other people’s husbands. Guys have sex in all sorts of weird ways. A lot of time they have sex with themselves. That’s not weird. That’s actually kind of the most popular thing in the world for guys. But guys need to turn themselves on when they have sex with themselves. Vibrators and oils don’t work for guys. Which can really be depressing. So sometimes guys have to do really weird things to get themselves excited when they have sex with themselves.
Guys sometimes just do weird things and don’t even have sex with themselves or anybody else. I don’t know why this happens, it just sort of does – well actually I do know why it happens. It’s what Freud said again. Because the other thing guys like along with sex is destruction. So guys sort of get a rush when they do something that brings them close to destruction that is sort of like sex. It’s why guys skydive and get in bar fights. Bar fights are never about sex by the way, they are about destruction.
So where was I? Oh yeah, guys have sex. They’re not that smart about it. As soon as the penis takes over all common sense leaves. The sad truth is guys sort of like it that way. If they concentrate on what they should be doing rather than having sex they wouldn’t be able to concentrate on having sex. Then what’s the point. Guys don’t mean to hurt anybody usually when they are having sex. It’s not like the destruction instinct. They do mean to hurt people when they do the destruction thing. But when guys are having sex, or doing the weird things that accompany sex, they’re not really thinking about other people. They’re thinking about sex. And unless those other people somehow represent sex or destruction they’re not really thinking about them.
Guys have sex with people other than their wives. Pretty every guys I know who has had the chance to step out on their wives has done so. The guys I know feel kind of bad about this. Not because they had sex. They wanted the sex. They feel bad because they don’t want their wives to be hurt. But they weren’t thinking about their wives when they were having sex. They were thinking about sex. I know there are a lot of people who are tsk tsking and saying I don’t know the people they know. I won’t to tell you a story. Twenty five years ago I was at a supper party with four other couples. Somebody mentioned the character Elliot and I said I liked him. People got upset with me because Elliot stepped out on his wife once. They all became very judgmental. Twenty five years later I know for sure every one of those guys had sex with a woman other than their wives. I don’t judge them. Guys have sex.
Why am I saying all this? Because we have to get over the fact that guys have sex and do weird sexual like things. It’s a hell of a lot better than destruction. How did we get to a place where we cheer a war and scorn a penis shot? You know if George Bush had sex some times the world might be a better place. Maybe not.