KosAbility is a community diary series posted at 5 PM ET every Sunday and Wednesday by volunteer diarists. This is a gathering place for people who are living with disabilities, who love someone with a disability, or who want to know more about the issues surrounding this topic. There are two parts to each diary. First, a volunteer diarist will offer their specific knowledge and insight about a topic they know intimately. Then, readers are invited to comment on what they've read and/or ask general questions about disabilities share something they've learned, tell bad jokes, post photos, or rage about the unfairness of their situation. Our only rule is to be kind; trolls will be spayed or neutered.
Fear can cause us to behave in ways which are not always in our best interests.
I have been party to that fear, on both sides of the fence.
When you go home to find a note on the kitchen table “I’ve taken the kids and gone back to Australia”, nothing comes as a surprise any more
When you go to Australia to patch things up to find another guy living in your house, nothing comes as a surprise any more
When you survive a bottle of Stoly a day for over a year and live to tell about it, nothing frightens you much
When you suffer a major stroke and simultaneous heart attack, nothing frightens you much.
When you watch them hack your arm off, nothing frightens you much.
When your wife accuses you of abusing her, 6 weeks after your arm is amputated, nothing comes as a surprise any more.
When you try to walk and your right side won't budge, nothing frightens you much.
When you go into full cardiac arrest while under the surgeon’s knife, nothing frightens you much.
When you learn that this next cancer may necessitate the removal of your jaw, nothing frightens you much.
When the doc tells you “you have cancer for the third time”, nothing frightens you much.
When you’ve been through 4 rounds of chemo over 7 years and 6 months of daily radiation treatment, nothing frightens you much.
I would be lying if I said I never get scared. But I have developed a handy, effective set of coping skills to help me through the dark times.
Sure I get down, sometimes things look pretty bleak. That’s when I paint. And paint. And paint. The strokes, several TIA’s a month now, rob me of my fine motor skills, so I can no longer produce the detailed pieces of my youth. Instead, I paint abstracts. A recent series is a 9 part set of one movement from all nine Beethoven Symphonies. These will become my Beethoven wall.
With the aid of a speak to text program I write. Short stories and, more frequently, poetry. In fact, on Mondays at 5pm Pacific, I host Indigo Kalliope here on DKos, check us out. We’re a group of left wing radicals who use our pens to fight the idiocy of the Right. I only publish about one in ten of my efforts. Most are written for an audience of one (lover, child, friend, self). Some are too personal to share until I'm gone. Writing the pain on paper somehow lets the pain escape the body.
And I cook. For friends and family. I have never let the fact that I have only one arm get in the way. I have found solutions for most “two-handed” problems. For slicing, I use a turkey carving board, the spikes hold things in place while I cut garlic, tomatoes, fruit into thinnest slices. I also found a “hands free” can opener.
From years of yoga practice, while I can no longer achieve many positions, mental exercise and meditation help. One in particular: I suffer from constant neuropathic pain in my right shoulder and hip and phantom pain in my non-existent left arm. To gain relief, I go into a dark room, lay down, close my eyes and concentrate on a part of my body (usually my left big toe) which DOES NOT HURT, for five to ten minutes. It works wonders!
In recent weeks, I have begun chanting with a Buddhist group. I have difficulty intoning due to the side effects of the strokes, however, the soothing effects of the group “voice” are very powerful.
And then, only last month, I was advised that we, that's all of us, have sent the third cancer into remission.
Such is the power of KosAbility!
What can I say!
Peace
CJ
Special Comment: It may be the worst kept secret around here, but Nurse Kelley and I share a special relationship. Although we have never met, we have a deep and abiding affection for each other and genuine joy in each others happiness. So I am sad today. Kelley is ill. Please send her all your healing thoughts. I send this for her and hope it eases the pain:
Remedy for Pain
6/7/11
If I could only wrap your aching body
In my strong enfolding arms
And take away the hurt
If you could only feel the love that
Courses through those arms
From such a distant place
And yet so near in spirit and soul
That we are almost one, so close
That your pain is mine
My dearest love, let it go
Give your pain to me
I am much stronger, lean this way
Together we can conquer all!
© CJ Campbell, June 2011