Dear Mr. Gingrich,
I hope that you'll pardon my sending you an open letter like this, but I don't know of any other way of getting in touch with you. The departure of five of your senior aides yesterday doesn't make getting in touch with you any easier.
In any event, you might be wondering why I, a pretty damn liberal Democrat, would be writing you to invite you to hire me to run your Presidential campaign. I'm happy to explain:
1. I want you to pay me a lot of money -- a serious, whole lot of money
2. I think I can help you win
3. I have some relevant experience, even if not on this level
4. I really despise most of your competitors, and am prepared to hate Huntsman any moment now
5. I truly to want you to win the nomination
Of these, #1, #4, and #5 are absolutely sincere. I want your name in the history books as the Bob Dole to Obama's Clinton, the Walter Mondale to Obama's Reagan. I want you to be remembered as the emblem of the Republican Party of 2012!
I would not work on your general election campaign, but frankly if you get nominated you'll have people who spit at you now coming out of the woodwork to take your money, so we can just cross that bridge when we come to it. I promise to leave you in a good position to hold onto the Republican base -- even if no one else.
(May I call you Newt, by the way? If you hire me, I'll call you anything you want me to if the money's right. Sugarbum? You got it. Just remember, hands to yourself.)
Why should you hide a relatively (but not entirely!) unexperienced liberal Democrat to run your campaign? Well, let's face the facts, Newt: you're not going to be able to hire any qualified Republicans. Listen to what your Iowa coordinator (from the story linked above) said about you:
“You have to be able to raise money to run a campaign and you have to invest time in fundraising and to campaign here in the state and I did not have the confidence that was going to be happening.”
Those Republican bastards! Am I right? (You'll have to get used to be saying things like that, but we'll try to sell it as part of your bipartisan appeal.) They are hungry for money and power, like jackals. Me, I'm not even a proper consultant. I'm used to volunteering on campaigns. A low (not too low) six-figure salary will seem amazing to me. Democrats take advantage of people like me all the time, Newt. This is your chance!
I don't even care if you verbally abuse me, because I don't give a floating spider crap about what you think. I'll give it back to you as good as you can handle it. Then, when we're done arguing, we can use the front of your wife's hairdo to slice the tips off of a couple of cigars and laugh about it all.
My only condition, Newt -- the prize that makes me interested in the gig -- is this: whatever horrific crap we dig up to use against your rivals, I get to keep a copy. If you're nominated, none of it will matter. If you aren't, then what the hell do you care? Assholes didn't recognize your genius!
Let me take you on a tour, Newt, of what I can do for you.
Romney
Newt, I can take off after Romney like Haley Barbour chasing an ambulatory plate of spare ribs. You want to talk about his opportunism? Here's something I wrote back in 2008, "Frantic VP hopeful Romney becomes Catholic, grows vagina".
John McCain announced today that he has chosen Mitt Romney to be his Vice-Presidential running mate after Romney agreed last night to move to Michigan, abandon Mormonism, become a Catholic, and have sexual reassignment surgery.
"As a vagina-having American, a Catholic, and a Midwesterner, I will provide John McCain with the demographic balance he needs to be victorious in November," Romney exclaimed to reporters. "I'm going under the knife this morning -- it's a sort of birthday present for John."
Romney explained at his early morning press conference that he would continue to oppose abortion and to be incredibly rich, shallow, and overweeningly ambitious.
"My friends who are Latter-Day Saints should not think I'm abandoning them," Romney stated, pointing out that Mormons believe in conversion of ancestors and that, even while Catholic, his children would be converting him back to the LDS Church upon his demise. He also explained that, while he would now be a Midwesterner, he would continue to reside in Massachusetts, Utah, California, and several swing states -- all of which Romney explained should vote for him because of his residence.
"I will also be wearing a crucifix and one of those, whatchamacallit, scapular things," Romney pledged. "I will carry a rosary and pray using it continually, mamma mia, faith and begorrah, viva Zapata," he added. "I am the logical choice of all ethnic voters. I am more ethnic than Joe Biden." Romney also pledged that, given his new gender, he would consider becoming a nun and wearing a habit as well. "Whatever John wants," he explained. "Do you know that he's 72? How long could it last?"
Romney explained that, while he would henceforth have a vagina, he would be "the kind of vagina-having American that John McCain could continue to respect," in that he would continue to appear male when wearing clothes and would not be having breast implants or undergoing hormone therapy to change his voice, muscles, or body hair. "Men will continue to be able to think of me as a man, but those who supported Hillary Clinton should feel proud to know that there is a vagina-endowed American in the Vice-President's Chair. I think that the PUMAs will flock to support me. I will have a vagina. And experience. And a fatally heightened sense of self-regard."
Can you get that quality satire from a Republican, Newt? I don't think so!
You want something about how everyone hates him? This is from a couple of weeks ago:
Bittersweet Farm. Mitt Romney is declaring his candidacy from Bittersweet Farm.
As I may have mentioned a time or two, I am generally no fan of overpriced campaign consultants. But I have to wonder: how much does one have to spend on a campaign consultant for them to come up with the grand idea of having the Republican frontrunner, about whom most of the party is ambivalent at best, apprehensive at second-best, and agonized and antagonistic at not-even-near-worst, officially announce his candidacy at Bittersweet Farm?
Was "To Hell With It We're Going To Lose Anyway" Farm already booked?
Was "At Least Once He Gets Stomped He Probably Won't Run Again in 2016" Farm already reserved by Ron Paul?
Who, seriously, advises a man whose candidacy is already viewed by Republicans as a bittersweet prospect at best to announce their candidacy at "Bittersweet Farm"?
See, I can tone it down -- do wry instead of maniacally absurd. I have plenty of gears, Newt. I don't have to follow any Eleventh Commandment. I can leave your opponents bleeding and trying to find their eyes with both hands. Don't you want to see Ed Rollins bleed, Newt? I thought so.
Pawlenty
You want to hear what I'll do to Pawlenty? One word, Newt: "Fredo."
If he somehow makes it past Bachmann in Iowa -- and he won't -- I will, so help me, memorize every single line the late great John Cazale spoke in Godfather II. And I'll go out there and use them, Newt. Remember, I don't care what Republicans think about me! Here's me at a press conference mimicking Pawlenty:
"I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!"
(This will also work if Santorum ever catches fire -- assuming that I can still be heard over the oinking of all the flying pigs.)
Here's you in a debate with Pawlenty, after he says something stupid and pandering:
Pawlenty, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. You broke my heart, Pawlenty. You broke my heart.
Then you offer to have Jim DeMint take him fishing.
Cain
I'll admit it right up front -- Cain scares me. I don't mean as an opponent; I mean as a human being.
Cain poses a problem, though. Cain can get away with saying more racist things than you can, because white (i.e., almost all) Republicans think that because he's Black, he can't be racist, even if he's trotting out every vicious anti-Black stereotype in the book to the delight of white onlookers. (And he will. You should let people know that he'll be your choice for HUD Secretary. The more pissed off he gets at it and denies that he'd take the job, the better. You'll tell him that you know that he wants a job and will give it his all.)
Cain's "insider racism" is a problem for you, because it takes away one of your strengths. I'm no expert on racist appeals, Newt -- I assume that Republicans have a list of people you can call for those, but I have made a study of your speeches in the past day and I have an approach that I think will fit you well: be extremely, extremely patronizing. It's one of your strengths anyway; might as well use it!
So: treat him like he's a precocious fourth-grader. Explain basic facts to him. "Gerald Ford -- he was the President before Jimmy Carter, Herman -- once said...." Or if you speak after him, go with "That was a nice point, Herman! That was very good. So clever! I'm proud of you." The goal is to get him to snap, to turn into Sherman Helmsley doing a rant from The Jeffersons. (It was a TV show in the 1970s, Newt.) He'll start off doing a slow burn. He'll lash out at you from time to time -- you just be beatific and oblivious. Eventually, when he realizes that is dignity is sloughing off of him like the skin off a wet shar pei, he will snap. He will start calling you some ugly names. And when he does, you will have him arrested and escorted away. You'll roll your eyes at the audience with sort of a "well, what can you expect?" look, and they'll eat it up. Then you'll call out to him that you'll still want him as your HUD Secretary, because you believe that Blacks do have a legitimate place in the Republican Party.
OK, I realize that you could probably do better than that on your worst day, but my point is that I will pretend to accept it while I take notes towards my scathing campaign memoir.
Palin
The secret to beating Sarah, should she decide to run -- and she won't, although she may announce -- is to give her enough rope to hang herself. It's true that this might require infinite amounts of rope and that her neck is made of tempered rubber, but she can still do it. So we need a strategy and I think I've hit on one. It's sort of similar to the Cain strategy, but instead of being supercilious to her, you're going to like her. You, like all other Republicans, will be a huge fan.
In debates, on the campaign trail, you will be quoting her like she's Mark Twain. You'll do this entirely deadpan. "As Sarah Palin has said, and I agree with her, that oil severance doohickey thing is not liked by America!" And "Sarah Palin, whom I hope will have a strong role in my Administration, has said that" -- and here you look at your notes -- "the money supply" (you squint, like your trying to make sense of it) "is the thing not ... of which ... the economy ... uh ... made up ...)" and then you just give up trying to quote her -- but you're gracious about it! "Isn't she great! Hasn't she brought a lot of life to the Party?" And -- get this, Newt -- you talk about her as a possible appointee to various positions to run agencies that Republicans either want destroyed or that would terrify them.
I can see Sarah Palin having a great role running the Consumer Protection Financial Agency or Fannie Mae! She'd make a great Secretary of Defense! Don't we want Sarah Palin dealing with meat inspection? How about mine safety? I get calls from mine owners all the time asking to be regulated by Sarah Palin. I tell you, there's nothing this gal couldn't do!
You know how you're sort of a narcissist Newt? She makes you look like Richard Lewis. (He's a comedian. OK, like Rodney Dangerfield.) She has no sense of irony unless it's something she says herself. You play it straight and she will believe you love her. Just. Never. Break. Character. The straighter you play it, the more ironic people will think you're being, and She. Will. Not. Get it.
Bachmann
Now Michele Bachmann -- by the way, we'll start a rumor saying that she changed her name from "Michelle Bachman" because she wanted to seem more European -- she does scare me, because she's after your base. This will require some dirty dirty tricks, Newt, but I'm going to show you that I have what it takes.
You remember the movie Gaslight, Newt? We're going to convince her that she really is crazy. This is right in your wheelhouse.
You're going to make up quotes from her. "I don't think that this party wants to be represented by someone who said that she can communicate with plants." What? Huh? She never said that? She's earnest, Newt. She's not going to believe that you will pull that sort of thing.
"What? I never said ... Plants?
"Oh, yes you did. It's here in your book, "Michele Bachmann: A Taxing Woman."
"I never wrote a book like that? A Taxing Woman? What are you --"
"It's in the library, Michele! It's all over the internet, too. You're denying it? Weren't you a tax attorney?"
"Well, yes, but -- a book? I don't think I ... ever wrote a ... a book."
"I'll refresh your memory: the introduction is by your twin brother, Michaell. That's 'Michaell" with two 'l's."
"I ... I have a twin brother?"
Putty in your hands, Newt! PUTTY! Also, you'll always talk to her with your face at a 10-degree angle to the side, like she did in that "State of the Union" video, and -- and I think the other candidates will help you out with this -- when we talk to her we'll all lean about five degrees to the left and deny we're doing it. Then when the camera turns on, we'll stop, and she'll lean to the right to compensate.
Also, we'll hide a speaker in your suit, which I'll control by remote. Sometimes it will make a tuneless humming noise. Sometimes it will very quietly say "Michele ... Michele ... it's your twin brother .... I'm lost, Michele ...."
Paul
As with Palin, the idea is to get him wound up and go skyrocketing sideways. Provoke him by saying that he wouldn't have gone to war with Hitler. In fact, how about this -- every sentence you say to or about Paul should contain the word "Hitler." Let's just see what he does about it. "You know what Hitler said about the gold standard, don't you, Ron?" "I'm surprised you're taking the same stand that Hitler did about poultry farming." And bring up his son. He's no idiot -- and not so deep down he has to know that his son is. Ask him to explain his son's comments and his son's behavior. Condemn the attacks on his son. If you can do it while saying "Aqua Buddha" ten times in 45 seconds -- and I know that you can -- you can probably give him a seizure.
Johnson
Leave him alone. This is your Vice-Presidential pick. But -- and this is very important -- you must always give the impression that you think that he's Hispanic and that you'll be picking him to appeal to Hispanic voters. Call him "HOHN-SOHN" and beam at him. Speak to him in pidgin Spanish, the worse accent the better. Say things to him like "Arriba!" and "Andale!" Eventually, he will give in and admit that he is Hispanic. Then, you'll lean over to him and whisper: "Gotcha"! And then for the rest of the campaign, you'll be able to talk about how you finally got Gary Johnson -- now pronouncing it correctly -- to admit that he's Hispanic even though he isn't. Then you can say that if you can do that, you can do anything as President, even -- and this is the one and only time you will make direct eye contact with her -- seduce Michele Bachmann.
We would not be doing this to win the election, by the way. We'd be doing it because it's fun. Ya gotta have fun in life, right?
Huntsman
Remember, attacking Huntsman's Mormon religion is a way of attacking Romney, so you'll go after him hammer and tongs on fine points of religious doctrine. ("And you believe that eventually, after many lifetimes, you become a God?" "Well, not precisely, it's more like --" "A GOD????") Huntsman will probably put up a fine argument, which will make primary voters hate him and Romney. This will also be a chance to beat up on Chinese voters. I know that you have some "Yellow Peril" diatribes in you even without my help -- for which I'm glad. If Huntsman somehow catches fire himself as a candidate, then we'll -- actually, I don't think we'll need a contingency plan.
Santorum
Air quotes. Every time you say Santorum's name, make "air quotes" with your fingers. "Do we really want (slight pause) 'Santorum' to run?" He'll know exactly what you mean; someone showed him the Google. And call him "Dick" -- use air quotes here as well. If he protests that his name is "Rick," you just say: "Nixon was a Dick. Cheney is a Dick. Do you have problems with being a 'Dick,' 'Santorum'?" People will not believe that you are actually doing this, so you'll have no problems later denying that you did it.
Eventually, you'll have to lower the boom. When Santorum starts squeaking about your focus on his name, ask him to explain why. In detail. Deny that you understand what he's talking about. If he says that you're calling him an obscenity, explain that "Dick" is a perfectly good name. If he says "no, I mean" Santorum, then eventually you will tell him this:
I, Dick, am a Catholic, and I know what Santorum means: "of holies." And I find your claiming to be "of holies" even though you cheated on your taxes and your state residency and your taxes and your first wife to be deeply offensive. I am a sinner, Dick, like all good Christians are. I don't know what you think you are. But I will tell you this: I can't take your name seriously, so "Santorum" will not pass through my lips.
At this point, by my calculations, he will be dead.
Perry
Hopefully he won't run. But, if he does, "gay." He won't see that one coming. (In fact, call him "Takei" and you'll get some crossover liberal votes.) Welcome him as a gay man into the party, and say while you disapprove of his lifestyle, you appreciate his continuing struggle with temptation. When he denies ever having been gay, tell him that you understand that it was something he did back when he was a Democrat -- which is what he really has in his closet.
(If he claims that you too were once a Democrat, you tell him that you were a spy sent by E. Howard Hunt.)
Giuliani
Giuliani could challenge you for much of your national security base, so aside from going after him for abortions -- which, as you may know, he still performs personally every weekend, on fundamentalists -- you can use him to define yourself as a moral man. He used public funds to conduct an affair with his mistress and now-wife. Go after him on it. Go after him for cheating. No one will believe your gall! No problem, Newt -- you found God. What's his story?
He could be a formidable challenger to you, though, so at some point it may become necessary to shove your wife at him hairdo first and decapitate him.
Conclusion
We can win this thing, Newt! I'd explain how you can defend yourself from the inevitable attacks against you -- I have one plan with, and one plan without, LSD in the water supply -- but first you'll have to hire me. You'd better hurry, too. Do you want to risk my going to work for Michele Bachmann? If during some debate you hear her say "As President, I'll be able to accomplish anything: even seducing Newt Gingrich" -- and then pausing with a slight smile while everyone laughs at you for two minutes -- you'll know that you waited too long to make the right choice.
Small, unmarked bills, Newt. I'll want to be able to deny this later.