The Republican Party, bless 'em, has captured the hearts of America with its rallies, eloquent speakers and mascots. But alas, like all of us at one point in our life, they have a tough decision to make. Who are they going to run for President? It comes down to one thing. Do they want a phony or a crazy person to take on the Kenyan, Muslim, New World Order, socialist? Decisions.....decisions. Let's take a quick look at who they have to choose from.
THE PHONIES
America's finest! These are the ones who the mainstream media would like to call "moderate". These proud individuals love to tout their "centrist" views while at the same time, run away from them when cornered. Cap and trade? They loved it! Until they realized it was as politically toxic as owning the fourth season of Will & Grace on DVD. Individual mandates? A great idea because it could save lives! Only problem is, it involves the word "government" which as we all know, is set on killing us. So who are these people?
Mitt Romney
The (alleged) former Governor of Massachusetts was at one point a moderate, big-business lovin' man. Then he became a born-again Conservative. He's ran before, actually scratch that; he's never stopped running for President nor from his former beliefs. All you need to know about him is that the word individual mandate is synonymous with him. Romney is also considered the front-runner because remember, all he does is run.
Tim Pawlenty
The former Governor of Minnesota was at one point, rumored to be on the short-list to be John McCain's Vice President until he unleashed Sarah Palin. Tim Pawlenty is the epicenter of political excitement with his great catchphrases and how strong he stands by his beliefs until confronted. He then seeks flight but it doesn't matter how high he soars, because he still can't break those pesky double digits. But don't you mind, he's so stimulating that David Vitter wets his diaper when he speaks.
Jon Huntsman, Jr.
He served in the current administration, liked it, and is now against it. Need I say more?
Newt Gingrich
If Mitt Romney has been running for four years, Newt Gingrich has been running since Wife #1. Like America, he's been in debt and well, that's the only thing "current" about him. However, you have to give it up to him. Instead of "firing" hard-working employees, he just makes them want to quit.
THE CRAZIES
Oh the crazies. I can't even begin to describe them, partly because they have such problems describing....really anything without the word "government" in it. But there's varying degrees of crazy in here, so let's not take up any more of your time!
Herman Cain
Candidate Deep-Dish is actually gaining traction though I expect this surge to take 30 minutes or less before it wears off. Cain has pesky Muslim issues and well, I guess he bought one of those Huckabee history DVDs.
Sarah Palin
Moving on.
Ron Paul
We've got some Libertarian crazy right here! While some of his views aren't too far out there, he's gotten support from some....vile individuals. Also his core fanbase is limited to people who comment on YouTube videos of Justin Bieber about 9/11 conspiracy theories. So take that as the evidence you need.
Michele Bachmann
Oh, the Queen Bee of them all. Michele Bachmann is almost an adjective for crazy. It's been rehashed too many times, so I won't even bother providing links but let's say; her type of crazy isn't funny. It's kind of dangerous. Her and Sharron Angle are birds of a feather.
Rick Santorum
I go to college in Pennsylvania. They make fun of me from being a New Jersey native. They can't make fun of me until they apologize for this horrid human being.
So what will the poor, poor GOP do? Now I finally get why John Boehner cries, he's doing it for his country because this list of contenders....is quite sad.