Tomorrow, CNN will announce that it is launching a new channel that will feature coverage of news and politics with a format similar to that used by channels that specialize in entertainment and celebrity news. The new channel will be called "CNZ", according to an unnamed source at CNN. "Expect more of the same professionalism and quality journalism that was present in our exclusive coverage of the Anthony Weiner scandal", said the source.
CNZ's flagship program will be called "Washington Bash", anchored by reporter Dana Bash, recently made famous for her insightful coverage of Anthony Weiner. "The state of the media is changing" said Ms. Bash, "and we are committed to giving viewers a good look at issues that really matter to them, without bothering them with useless facts like the national debt or unemployment rates."
News anchor Anderson Cooper, whose show will be moving to CNZ, was a little philosophical about the new channel. "I'll be honest about it" said Cooper, "What we learned from the Anthony Weiner scandal is that modern news media, myself included, have failed to deliver on the news stories that our viewers really want to know about. On the Weiner sex scandal, we got it right." Cooper's new show will be titled "The Ridiculist" after a segment on his old CNN show. He said that he is he is "thrilled to have Dana as a lead-in", and promised to stop "wasting time" with expensive on-location shoots from places such as Egypt and Haiti.
The head of the new channel will be Ted Barrett, Dana Bash's producer from CNN who was famously called a "jackass" by former congressman Anthony Weiner. "People don't care about elections" said Barrett, "What they really wanted to hear about was Anthony Weiner's erection. Americans don't want creeps like that representing them." Barrett promised that when the next big sex scandal breaks, his channel would be there first. "We're blazing new territory, merging political and traditional news with the type of new-style journalism pioneered by TMZ and others on the cutting edge. Our reporters are combing Twitter and Facebook for the next big story as we speak."
Large corporations are jumping at the chance to buy advertising on the new network. A spokesman from BP confirmed that his company would advertise heavily on the new channel, and the company released a prepared statement saying that "We at BP are excited to be a part of this new era of 21st century journalism."
Viewers may be confused by the change to their cable channel lineup. CNZ will take the place of channel that formerly carried CNN, and CNN's old news format will move to a renamed channel called CNN-T, the "T" standing for "traditional" news. CNN-T will appear deep in the cable channel list, one channel away from the network Current TV on most major cable providers, except for Verizon where it will replace Current. A representative from Verizon refused to comment, saying "There is no $1.95 cellphone internet charge" and "The cake is a lie." Eliot Spitzer, whose current CNN show will move to CNN-T, also declined to comment, saying "I don't want to bite the hand that feeds me."