Esby here, and I'm holding a press conference to announce that the Well of Anthony Weiner has apparently run dry. That's right, media, those of you who are sucking on the teat of tabloidism, drunk off of the Drambuie of dirty politics, holding up the teacup of titillation, the oak bucket has dropped, and we are straining to hear it hit bottom. Will everyone who is not following important issues that face our country please leave the room.
Hey, where did everybody go?
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There was definitely a contingent in the court that felt that the controversy over Weiner’s schlong-shots was overblown and that by resigning, Weiner would only be legitimizing America’s preposterous political double-standard, in which 99.9999% of all adult citizens engage in icky perversions in private but insist for some reason that their politicians restrict themselves to humping with spouses, in the missionary position, for purposes of procreation.
—Matt Taibbi, from the ruling of his Supreme Court of Assholedom on Anthony Weiner.
Yes, I knew he was a Representative, but I felt calling him Senator Weiner was more respectful.
—Anthony Weiner press conference shouter Benjy Bronk, who obviously didn't know he was a Representative.
I have to warn you. Newt Gingrich today put up a large Web ad. So you still may be seeing pictures of a huge dick.
—Bill Maher.
The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner's car isn't registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now.
—Jimmy Fallon.
Our troops aren't "charity".
—Blogger Eclectablog on Dailykos, in response to a conservative who maintained that conservatives gave more to charity than liberals after Right Online was challenged to give to the troops.
You think about that and we realize the profound responsibility that we have this time. In my view, if we reelect this man, all that all of the people fought and died for is completely in vain.
—New Hampshire party chairman Jack Kimball.
Like killing bin Laden?
Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco.
—Conan O'Brien.
Al Qaeda announced that they've found a replacement for Osama bin Laden, thanks to all of you who called in and texted your votes.
—Jimmy Kimmel.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.
—Conan O'Brien.
Father’s Day this year is a bonus year for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Last year my son wouldn’t give me my gift until I gave him a DNA swab.
—David Letterman.
A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%.
—Conan O'Brien.
You know, it's interesting, I've read all the criticism and this was my take, I think the media was furious. You guys didn't kill each other or go after each other.
—Sean Hannity to Tim Pawlenty.
T-Paw: Not a wuss any more. Apparently.
You get to the point where you evolve in your life where everything isn't black and white, good and bad, and you try to do the right thing. You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well, fuck it, I don't care what you think. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm tired of Republican-Democrat politics. They can take the job and shove it. I come from a blue-collar background. I'm trying to do the right thing, and that's where I'm going with this.
—Sen. Roy McDonald (D, NY) on his announced yes vote for gay marriage.
We certainly have no hatred for anyone who follows this lifestyle. The difference is we will be forced in our churches, in our businesses, all of our life practices, to acknowledge something which we strongly, morally disagree.
—Pastor William Mayhew of Faith Bible Chapel in Millerton.
Tough. Gay people pay taxes. Churches don't.
I think that they have a liberal agenda, and we tell the other side of the story.
—Chris Wallace to Jon Stewart on Fox News Sunday.
Which apparently is not an agenda.
According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called unemployment.
—Conan O'Brien.
Funds collected by Mr. Colbert from the crowd outside the Commission after he filed his Advisory Opinion Request were not contributions to the PAC; they were $1 bills received by Mr. Colbert personally as payment for shaking his hand.
—Stephen Colbert's lawyers.
Bottom line: Olbermann is a net force for good in politics and journalism. I don't care whether he quit MSNBC or was fired, or why. I could not care less if he's a good employee or a likable man. It's good to have him back.
—Matt Zoller Seitz
It's not enough to put a 'D; next to your name and call yourself a Democrat. Speech doesn't corrupt. Money corrupts. And money isn't speech.
—Former Sen. Russ Feingold (D, WI).
In reality, RightOnline has always been a smaller conference, and it's benefited from the proximity of Netroots Nation, which draws in a lot of reporters who can skip a few panels on gender issues or the Roberts court to see leading Republicans roast some red meat. The relationship was largely beneficial for Netroots in the past; this was the year when they got sick of it. Given that some of the biggest "stories" out of the weekend were stunts, you can see why.
—Dave Weigel.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from the internets, comes out every Tuesday afternoon.