Dear Former Speaker Gingrich:
I noticed today that, after losing your campaign manager and other top staff, you have now lost your fundraisers as well. Once again, I offer you my services.
I was, I'll admit, a little cheesed off at your failure to reply to my earlier solicitation to you for me to manage your campaign. At first, I was upset because I thought that you probably hired one of my colleagues here, blue aardvark and Crashing Vor, who also offered you their services. They each assure me, however, that this is not so. This led me to my second hypothesis: that despite your reputation and almost malignantly high sense of self-regard, you might actually be quite stupid. Not hiring the aardvark, I can understand -- I get nervous when we post diaries during the same hour, so I can imagine what a close real-life working relationship would be like -- but not hiring Vor? Are you crazy? He always has the best dope!
I then realized that I was probably being unfair. You may simply have been distracted. By this, I don't mean by the endless chain of failures that the last several weeks have been to you; I mean from being next to your wife all the time, worrying that at any moment she might suddenly turn towards you and the knife's edge formed by the front sweep of her hairdo may slice off one of your arms or part of your face. It must be harrowing!
I was satisfied with that explanation until the last few days, when I was finally confronted by the truth.
You think that the most important piece of advice I had to offer you was derivative. I understand why and I can explain.
You see, when I told you that the way to beat Rick Perry was to accuse him of being gay, I had had no idea that he actually was allegedly gay. I'm just not up with the Lone Star Down Low. So, I'm sorry for giving you the same advice that everyone else in the world was probably giving you as well. I can do better, if you'll just give me a chance.
I'm happy to serve you as a fundraiser. All I demand are (1) a fat percentage of the take, (2) to be paid up front with (3) your personal guarantee, and (4) that no less than 50% of the money go into opposition research of which (5) I get a full copy that I can publish here. Yes, Newt, I will raise you money to help you tear down your primary rivals. Does this feel disloyal to your party? Well, grab a clue, Newton -- your party hates you anyway. Go out with a bang, I say! And I am prepared to personally light your fuse.
I have, no joke, raised at least $25,000 for candidates right here on Daily Kos. No kidding. That makes me more qualified than any Republican you could possibly get at this point by approximately, oh, $24,983.
So I want you to come with me to Daily Kos, Newt, and we'll raise you a bundle. People will give me the money for youn-- and do you know why? It's because they know that I will hang onto it and make sure that it does go to oppo rathernthan being siphoned off to Tiffany's.
I'm offering you something -- Democratic money! -- that is currently available only to Jon Huntsman (from cowards!) and Rick Santorum (because we want him in the race so that we can keep making jokes about him.) I'm offering help from people who really want you to succeed -- we can read the polls too, Newt! -- or at least to break all of the china in the Republican shop on the way out the door. We may not believe in you, Newt, but we believe in your candidacy. To us, you're like Herman Cain for old white men who wear navy double-breasted suits with nautical caps.
So come on, Newt, don't make the same mistake twice. Have your people give me a call. I mean, your person. I mean ... just call me.