Kodiak 54 wrote about an incident we stumbled into while attending Netroots Nation. Perhaps you've heard: we came upon a man yelling hate-filled epithets and aggressively shoving his camera into the faces of a group of young women, most of whom were wearing hijabs (headscarves.)
I hesitated to write about this because in many ways it's not my story. We came into the middle of a scene, saw that the women were distressed, asked if they wanted assistance and they accepted our help. So, we helped. I write now, though, because to me, the real story here and the dialogue I'd like to see happening on both sides of the political aisle seems to have been missed.
Yes, the man we faced down and eventually got arrested is a right wing blogger. Yes, this man was expressing several levels of bigotry. I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have been so aggressive if these weren't women, if they were all Caucasion, if he didn't think they were Muslim and if he didn't think they were immigrants. At different times he said disparaging things that touched upon all four of these brands of bigotry. And, yes, he yelled out Andrew Breitbart's name, letting us know that he thought he was acting in accordance to the rhetoric of Breitbart and the Right Wing.
Regardless of what he thought and where he thought he would get support for his actions, all of which we can't control, what he himself was in that moment was a bully.
We don't want to be a country where we have thought police. As much as we may fear or despise someone else's way of seeing the world, we can't control what they think. We also can't control who they turn to for affirmation of their world view. So, we sort of have to co-exist with it. Until it is expressed outwardly in the form of violence or intimidation.
When I walked up to him and put my hand in front of his camera and told him he had to back off, I wasn't arguing with him about ideology. I wasn't trying to convince him that Muslims aren't "ruining our country!" or that these women couldn't go anywhere but here if they were to "go back to their own country!" (All but one were citizens of the U.S.) Nothing I could do or say was going to get him to see anything any differently than he already did.
What we damned well could do, though, was stop him from bullying them. We could protect them by standing with them and we could make him physically back off. Even as he persisted in returning again and again, we kept getting back in his face to keep him away. This is what I wish everyone would focus on: how to handle a bully. We have a culture of bullying. Might makes right. Whoever yells the loudest wins. Whoever makes the scariest threats wins. Whoever comes up with the cleverest epithet must be the wisest. Any maneuver to get what we want, no matter who pays the price. It's about power over, rather than empowerment with.
Too much of our national dialog whether it's on the radio, television programs, online or town halls is steeped in bullying. We promote bullies. We call them leaders. We see overpowering aggressiveness as a leadership quality, rather than an agent which destroys civility. We elevate aggressive people. Then we're disappointed in how they behave as leaders, but it's too late because we've handed them power, which they love.
There is a huge difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. I was assertive with John Gilmore (who was eventually arrested, since he refused to stay away) as a counter to his aggressiveness. His aggressiveness had a wild, out-of-control feeling to it. Indeed, I think once he launched into his tirade, even if some part of his brain realized that it was a lost cause and he had nothing to gain, he couldn't stop himself. He was untethered. Generally, bullies who can't gain control through intimidation end up lost and have no idea what to do. In contrast, I felt very calm and connected and was able to assess each moment and continue to make choices as to what I would do next. I didn't try to make him feel less than. I didn't try to hurt him. I simply didn't allow him to hurt others. We all made it clear that we wouldn't brook the behavior.
I have been disappointed about how this story has been covered (to the extent that it has. It's purely an online story.) When Uptake covered it, the "reporter" went off about how "60 people" stepped up to help these women. Kodiak 54 tried to correct him. (There really were about 6, maybe 10 of us.) But, the reporter had a narrative he wanted to run with and the facts didn't matter. When the right wing "reporters" covered it, it was all about "false allegations about Breitbart!" Nothing about the story could be considered true by them because it was all a "right wing smear."
Both sides missed a brilliant opportunity at generating one national voice against bullying.
Then, when the women wanted to see if the right wing bloggers at Right Online would have the same kneejerk reaction that their self-proclaimed compatriot had, a group of us donned hijabs and went up an escalator. We asked for access to the elevator on the floor, which would have meant walking through the foyer area where Right Online was meeting. We were denied. As we were in the midst of regrouping, we were swarmed by cameras and mics and very aggressive questioning. In fact, we were hemmed in.
When I posted about this here, the predominant topics in the comments have to do with whether to ban hijabs and/or niqabs, whether we were "provocative", whether the action qualified as "flash mob", etc. What wasn't discussed? The fact that we went in peacefully and were bullied by a mob and yet, we were the ones forcibly removed. We didn't do anything disobedient. We weren't loud or disruptive. We were preparing to simply walk back down and say, "oh well." Yet, we were deemed the troublemakers.
Why? Because aggressiveness is not seen as the problem. In fact, the aggressors aggressively tell the security staff what to do and the security staff follows orders, because we instinctually read the aggressiveness as leadership. The security guards could have easily forced people to back away from us and allow us to move. Instead, they manhandled us.
It got even worse in the common area on the second floor where we were threatened with arrest. I proudly stood with Lt. Dan Choi as we argued that we had, as paid guests, every right to talk in a common area. They tried intimidating us by sending more and more security staff to hover over us. We didn't budge. Nor did we get hostile. The more aggressive they became, the more assertively gracious we became. They backed off once they realized that we would not be intimidated (and they had no grounds for their threats.) They looked pretty darn sheepish in the end and we'll be filing a complaint with the Hilton Hotels.
I will finish by noting how this bullying leadership style seeps into the general discourse:
One woman online told me to stop whining about being hurt by a cameraman shoving his huge camera into my back during the hijab action. I explained that I have a neurological disorder which makes me more sensitive and have more precarious balance. Her response was that I have no right to speak for anyone and should just stay home! Would she say this to a friend? Does she tell everyone in her community who is not in perfect health that they must stay home and that they have no place in civil society or civic dialogue? Since she has deemed me the enemy, she gives herself permission to be heartless. This is what we learn. If you're in my tribe, anything goes. If you're not, I don't have to treat you with simple kindness or afford you any dignity, much less affirm your human and civil rights. If you make me angry, you're no longer in my tribe. Apparently, anger nullifies seeing another person's humanity.
As someone who used to punch people when I was angry, I know where that comes from. I don't judge people for being in that place. I do ask that we not accept it as normal. That we have the ability to say, "that's where I'm at, but it's not how I'd like the world to be." I don't expect my little diary to really spark any kind of change. I have been sitting with this for a week now and I simply wish to express my desire that our national dialog would be about how to stop bullying in all facets of our lives. So much of the dysfunction in our world stems from putting up with bullies, elevating them, even. I'd really love to see that stop. I'd love to see us elevate compassionate people who can work with all kinds of people with respect and openness. Who can be assertive when needed, which means holding your ground when you feel it's imperative without getting aggressive. Don't "win" by turning someone else into a "loser".
I'd like to see, all over the place, every day, every venue, within groups themselves, everyone putting their hands up and saying, "Back off bully!"