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What do you do when you figure out what direction you want your life to take only to discover that ship sailed years ago?
I am not going to spend a lot of time whining over this topic. Any of the regular members of our Saturday night mutual support will know this is another installment of some regular complaints of mine. The major thrust of this is the frustration of only now kind of figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, both in my professional and personal life. The only catch is that I figured it out when I am now definitely in the area of middle-aged (almost 43 to be more specific). Aside from those pesky laws of physics and the whole space-time continuum thing, why can’t I go back in time 25 years and be able to do it right this time?
It would be so much easier if I were about to start college again with the self awareness I have now. Instead of wasting my time with majoring in engineering I could take classes in economics and business and math and be better prepared to enter a field for which I have discovered I have a solid aptitude. And while I have always had an idea that I found guys much more interesting than women, now I would not be wasting my time trying to hide it or pretending that being with women would change it somehow (though, this being the late 80’s-early 90’s, I still probably would have been cautious).
But I can’t, and I find myself trying to make up for lost time and there is where I come across my current dissatisfaction. It’s not as if I am simply sitting around feeling sorry for myself and attempting to do anything to change my situation. But with all the efforts I am putting into changing the course of my life into a more positive direction, I feel like I am swimming after a ship that has already sailed (isn’t that a great metaphor?). That no matter how many constructive actions I take towards changing things, they would have actually yielded results even 10 or 15 years ago, but right now I am just flailing without gaining any purchase.
Where I am is not so horrible – I have a job that I like and where they think fairly well of me, and in this economy and this not something to take lightly. I like this job more than my previous one (certainly more than the extended period of unemployment I went through). I just do not want to be there forever; I know there is more out there for me and I feel like I can almost reach it but that it’s just out of my grasp. Ironically, it is taking constructive action that is causing my frustration. I just completed my M.S. in Finance; loved my classes and learned a lot of stuff that I would love to put into action and use as my “real” career. And yet I feel all my striving was for nothing.
Am I really going to get a job that I find truly fulfilling in a field I know is right for me? At my age? A lot of friends have given me support that is variations on the theme of 40 being the new 30, but I have my doubts that that is really the case. Are employers truly going to go for someone of my age (even with the advanced degree) when there are younger applicants, just as qualified but who are a better fit to grow into the industry? Being in my 40’s with a Master’s would be great if I already had experience in the industry. But I don’t, so it doesn’t.
The same thing goes for my personal life. My late teens/early 20’s? That was the time to learn about getting together with guys and building some sort of social network. I am just so tired of being alone and I do not see that changing any time in the foreseeable future. Again I have been trying to be proactive and going out on dates through Match.com. Those have not exactly what I would call a resounding success; only once has there been a second date.
Now you could make the reasonable argument that even with their system, this type of dating is hit-or-miss and that it could be simply be a case of there not being enough chemistry involved. But I am also quite certain is that a lot of it was my not knowing how to act because I am too new at this. That is fine when you’re in college; at this point in my life I think it’s expected that I’ve been through this and know what to do. I don’t know where to even begin.
I think I will leave it at that. I certainly am not going to curl up in a fetal position and will continue to put forth effort on both fronts. I just wish I could get rid of the nagging feeling that I am wasting my time and the life I want to live is out of my reach because I waited too long.
So, what's YOUR FP tonight?