Standing today before a Staples in Chevy Chase, Maryland, Congressional Republican leaders Eric Cantor and John Boehner unveiled GOP lawmakers' newest articulated proposal for reducing the deficit.
The proposal, which fit neatly upon a 3"x 5" index card, was ceremoniously read to the press by both Cantor and Boehner, who recited the GOP's newest policy simultaneously:
Removing empathy from the U.S. budget will eliminate America's debt, thus providing the promise of a prosperous future for our children and our children's children.
A smattering of confused Amens were heard from among the hastily-convened gaggle of reporters.
When asked for specifics of how the GOP's newest plan would be practically applied, Cantor responded:
"You know, we are going to take a very systematic and measured approach to fix this thing. Basically, any wasteful program that, you know, when you look at it, you think to yourself – Really, those people really need that? – then that's something to cut."
When pressed by reporters on how such a simply-articulated policy could actually be applied evenly, across-the-board, Boehner broke in:
"This really isn't complicated. With so much bureaucracy and waste and confusion, we really needed something simple, something straightforward. It's easy. If you look at a program, and feel any emotions of sympathy or empathy for the organizations or people or principles involved, you cut it out. This is the only way we're going to get this country back on its feet and out from under our debt to the Chinese: cut out all the wasteful empathy."
According to a tweet sent out to reporters after the press conference by Cantor's press secretary, budget cuts would include programs that fund anything "that helps children, the poor, the elderly, the sick, and Cubs fans."
When pressed why the policy wouldn't also be applied to Cleveland Indians fans, Boehner pointed to the team's mascot as proof that, since the team clearly didn't employ any empathy when picking a mascot, Cleveland was all right by him.
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Author's Note: A tip of the hat to Andy Borowitz, who inspired this breaking news story.
Update: After his tweet this afternoon, which inspired this diary, Borowitz wrote his own snark-infested piece: Republicans: Trillions Could be Cut from Budget if We Eliminate Empathy.