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Just having a little fun.

I never said I was a normal person. Occasionally, when teaching my kids to think for themselves about what someone was telling them, I would hold up two thumbs. One thumb would talk and take one side of a debate, while the other thumb took up the opposite. Call it a redneck classroom aid. The little ones loved it and, hey, when ya got two thumbs, you're never bored. You're just one song or conversation away from a puppet show.

Bob and Alice, for the record, are the two perfectly lovely hippie-artist-gardeners who owned our house for 30 years before they moved into a place where they could start redesigning afresh. They have left us many wacky and wonderful surprises, including some misguided ideas that would have kicked ass if they'd worked out. Consummate DIYers with big visions and often successful, but often WTF results; over time, Bob and Alice have become kind of a beloved family meme.

Somehow or another, the dialogue thumb-puppet-show evolved into the Adventures of Bob and Alice. My sheepish apologies to any Bobs and Alices who might be offended. It's all in good fun.

That said: the right wing rhetoric doesn't pass the thumb-puppet test. And that's kind of scary, because either they know they're lying, or they truly believe it. Either way, it's bad for all the other fingers and thumbs.

Run a-way. Run a-way.

Bob: ”My darling, I’ve just read a story from Fox News which scares me. They say that Obama’s plan is really going to backfire on the small business owners of America, and closing corporate tax loopholes and ending wasteful subsidies for the big corporations will force small business owners to endure an exorbitant tax increase.”

Alice: ”Honey, they’re just trying to frighten you. Remember, it was the Republican Congress who blocked the bill which would have provided relief to small business. The bill never reached the President’s desk, silly, because it never made it out of the House. ” (pats Bob’s hand reassuringly)

Bob: (sounding confused)......“Are you sure? Because they said that we have to give the corporations those tax breaks so that we can compete with countries like China.”

Alice: “Darling, compete? That’s where the American manufacturing plants have gone, and those companies are posting billons in profits, don’t you worry about them! Taking away a tax cut wouldn’t make them stop manufacturing, but giving them tax breaks to employ people in other countries takes money completely out of our country, which only leaves less to go around for the lower 98% of income-holders. Our small business owners can’t compete with the big-box Superstores, stocked with cheap, sometimes-toxic junk made overseas.”

Bob: “But the free market…” (eyes glazing) “It has to stay competitive if the small businessman is going to stay alive…”

Alice: (growing alarmed)  “What competition? The large outsourcers drive out competition. Darling, you know all this. That’s why your brother’s hardware store went broke, remember? He couldn’t compete with the new Home Supercenter that opened up just down the street. Their hammers were selling for sixteen cents less each than it cost Walt to even purchase a hammer from his suppliers. People don't care if they break a year later, they just go buy another cheap one."

Bob: ”But even Michele Bachmann says President Obama is hurting small business. She had some sort of brainy-sounding statistics to back it up. And she’s kind of cute, in that crazy-bitch kind of way that reminds me of your sister. Rolling Stone says she’s no laughing matter, you know.”

Alice: “What the…Michele Bachmann? “ (reaches for her purse)

Bob: “I think it’s the eyes. I mean, she’s got a great rack, but the eyes are what drag you in and scare the shit out of you at the same time. (shivers involuntarily) Remember our wedding reception, honey? I bet Michele would give your sister a run for her money. It would be epic to see her on jell0 shots. Except that she raised 23 foster kids, so I guess Bachmann's probably not into that. Although, her old man's kinda freaky, too, so maybe she's frustrated. I kinda like batshit-crazy-hot."

Alice: (muttering under her breath as she digs through her purse) ”Some of those kids were there less than a week. That’s not a home, that’s a layover. And you and I agreed sexual frustration is off the table twenty-nine years ago, buddy. Oh, dear. This is bad. Very bad. (relieved, triumphantly producing a small bottle of noxious-looking liquid). Good thing I picked up a bottle of Republican Buyer’s Remorse when we took the grandkids to Florida….(uncapping lid and thrusting it under Bob’s nose)….Here, darling. Have a whiff.”

Bob: (inhaling) “Snnnnnnnnnniffffffff……ahhhhhhh. (shakes head) What was I thinking? Of course it was the Republican Congress which blocked assistance to small employers. They also blocked the bill which would have ended special tax breaks for the jackass companes that outsource American jobs to third-world and Communist countries.”  (shaking head again to clear it) “They haven’t even looked at a single piece of Democratic legislature since Inauguration Day. Why should they? Their single-minded goal is to make the President fail, and if they have to utterly destroy America to do it, so be it.  (warming up) So they’ve wasted three vital years of recovery on a path of obstruction that’s killing the middle class and the unemployed, on a temper tantrum over losing control of the White House, doing everything under the sun except help Americans employ themselves and each other in their own communities.” (dawning awareness grows) ”You and I couldn't survive and keep this house on a lousy $6 grand in vouchers instead of our Medicare. Besides, no private insurance company in the world would take us with your hysterectomy and my heart history."

(steaming)"President Obama has kept a record number of campaign promises. The Republicans have kept one: to sabotage the recovery in order to screw the President and everyone who voted for him."

(shaking his head again, angrily, this time) "Unions. Jobs. Mortgage relief. Wall Street reform. School lunches. Womens' healthcare. Aid to 9/11 First Responders. Lower tuitions for struggling college kids. The end to rewarding outsourcers. Imagine what could have been accomplished in all this time, with a cooperative, adult-thinking Congress uncorrupted by billionaires and SCOTUS conspirators. Think of how much misery could have been saved. The unmitigated gall of blocking the small business bill and blaming the President, alone, should tell us that none of these idiots are fit to preside over a colony of small twigs and pebbles, much less my United States of America.”

Alice: (whispered aside, with a happy thumbs-up) ”Thank you, Republican Buyer’s Remorse!” (to Bob) ”I love you.”

Bob: “And Michele Bachmann is a scary, ignorant, deceptive evangelical monster dragon-lady who’s the last fucking person you’d want near The Button.  Tits totally not worth it. It would be like making out with Pol Pot. (kissing Alice’s nose fondly as she rolls her eyes with a chuckle) “Not that I’m saying your sister resembles Pol Pot.”

(fade to product shot)

Announcer: “Pick up your bottle of Republican Buyer’s Remorse today! Available everywhere except New York State.”

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