Friend and ally Jennifer Locket shared this bit of whimsy with me and I have doctored it up a bit to show the absurdity of any intelligent life form that would be against marriage equality. Enjoy and pass it on.
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, flying to the moon, and pace makers
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children. (Close to 7 Billion and counting)
3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. (Okay, so this one might need some tweaking)
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks are property and can’t marry, whites and blacks can’t marry, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities. (If this one does not make you spit your coffee through your nose, nothing will.)
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America. (Teabaggers, you need to look up the word theocracy and then look at that thing called the Constitution.)
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children. (I wonder if my mom knew she was breaking the law when she raised my brothers and me?)
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans, or civil rights for African-Americans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.