I realize now that we've been making a serious tactical error in these negotiations.
In light of this realization, I am taking up a new battle cry:
ERIC CANTOR FOR PRESIDENT!
(Special note to Eric Cantor: if your erection lasts for more than four hours after hearing the title of this diary, please see your doctor.)
I explain my reasoning below.
First of all, as a Jew, I would be thrilled to see a major Party nominate a Jew for President.1 God knows we as a people have long suffered; don't we deserve to finally see one of our own have a major party nomination?2 Eric Cantor has shown that he will stand up to the President.3 He's willing to stand up for what he believes in.4 He can rally the Tea Party voters in a way that no one else can.5 He can win the Republican nomination!6 He will finally give voters in this country a true choice!7
Eric Cantor has seized the national limelight this week with the power of a rampaging elephant.8 No one can doubt the power of the principles that drive him to act.9 But his actions this week show that he is more powerful than even the plans he has had thusfar.10 He can unite all factions of the Republican Party.11 He can show them what true leadership looks like12 and sounds like.13 This is a man with the power to make or break the entire U.S. economy.14 The Republican Party can't afford to waste him on small tasks.15 He's meant for bigger things.16
The entry of Eric Cantor into the Presidential race would create enormous buzz.17 He could take voters away from all of the major candidates.18 His rivals for the nomination wouldn't even know what hit them.19 He has notoriety that other candidates could only dream of.20 He is truly a man to be feared.21 He would jump to the top of the polls in no time.22 He would give Barack Obama a fight like he's never had before.23
The Republican Party should jump at the chance to nominate Eric Cantor.24 I think that Cantor would receive support in this quest from even unlikely places.25 Jewish voters in particular would welcome his entry into the race.26 Let us hope that he will rise up to this call to everlasting fame.27
--- footnotes ---
1Specifically, I would like to see the Republicans nominate this putz.
2Laughing is a good cure for suffering. I'm chuckling just thinking about it.
3Until he gets shoved down like a small child for interrupting the adults. Then he gets sullen and tells Mommy in the media.
4That is, he believes that he's a smart politician with real skills and that everyone should respect him. Dammit.
5He can rally them not to vote.
6And, in the general election, maybe Idaho, Utah, and Wyoming. And maybe not even those.
7Between a Black Man and a Jew. If you think that part of why I want to see this happen is because of the prospect of old white men's brains exploding in Mississippi and Alabama, score one for you.
8And then, like a rampaging elephant, he crushed anyone near him and need to be tranquilized immediately.
9"I WANNA BE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!"
10"I can haz President?!?!"
11Behind Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachmann, or even Tim Pawlenty. Not Rick Santorum, though. He can't work miracles.
12"Last lemming off of the cliff is a rotten egg!"
13Marcus Bachmann crossed with Lindsay Graham. Not that that's ever happened, to my knowledge.
14Well, "break," anyway.
15Like washing dishes. Would you eat off of a plate that Eric Cantor had supposedly cleaned?
16Like ignominy.
17Within Karl Rove's brain, after fifteen minutes of slamming his head against a wall.
18Apparently by standing next to them with a bomb and threatening to blow everyone up if they don't hand over the voters.
19Although they'd figure out soon enough who threw it.
20And he's just going to have more once he blows up the economy.
21By Republicans. As a Democrat, I'm just hoping that he falls for this.
22Remember, when the pollster calls, you have to tell them that you're a Republican or they won't ask you about their candidates.
23Like when the big brother holds the little brother far enough away with one hand on his forehead so that he can't be hit no matter how much the little guy flails at him, and he can still eat an apple with the other hand.
24That's my perspective, anyway. Republicans, by contrast, would like to see us nominate William Ayers.
25John Boehner realizes: "This would get him out of Congress? Shoo-be-do-be-doo!"
26Finally, all of America would understand what the word "pisher" means!
27This has been a paid political announcement of the Libertarian Party and Constitution Party.