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Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

A: I'm bacon!

How Hot Is It?

It was so hot...

 All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through
the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.

 It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

 The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

 Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
from laying hard boiled eggs.

 the cows are giving evaporated milk.

 the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

 Satan decided to take the day off.

 Even the sun was looking for some shade!

 the birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.

 I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'..

  The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs..

 Two trees fighting over a dog....

 the workers at the chicken place were jumping in the fry vat
just to cool off

 I saw a fire hydrant begging a dog to pee on it

 Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.

 Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to,
"Just pour and eat."

 Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children
are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,
"no peeing" rule.

Dear Diary,

May 30th -- Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny
days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place!  Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my home I love it here.

June 14th -- Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in
an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th -- Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots
of cactus and rocks What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th -- The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting
used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th -- Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th---  I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and BITS. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th---  Dry fetchin' heat, my butt. Hot is hot!!  The home air -
conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive
by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th -- Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,100 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I
ever come here?

Aug 4th--- 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman
pissed in my pool. I hate this fetchin' state.

Aug 8th--  If another wise cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going
to tear his swollen throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted fricken Garfield!!

Aug 10th -- The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot
and Sunny. It's been too hot for two dang months and the weatherman says
it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren
desert??

Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus
just dried up and blew into the sweltering pool.  Even a cactus can't
live in this heat.

Aug 14th---   Welcome to Hell!!!  Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the fricken' windshield out of the
Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of
jail.

Aug 30th---  Worst day of the damn summer.  I'm not leaving the house.
The  f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it
muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with
it's new $500 windshield.  That does it, we're moving to New York for
some peace and quiet.

HOW HOT IS IT? - ODE TO TEXAS

  The devil wanted a place on earth
  Sort of a summer home
  A place to spend his vacation
  Whenever he wanted to roam.

  So he picked out Texas
  A place both wretched and rough
  Where the climate was to his liking
  And the cowboys hardened and tough.

  He dried up the streams in the canyons
  And ordered no rain to fall
  He dried up the lakes in the valleys
  Then baked and scorched it all.

  Then over his barren country
  He transplanted shrubs from hell.
  The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
  The climate suited them well.

  Now the home was much to his liking
  But animal life, he had none.
  So he created crawling creatures
  That all mankind would shun.

  First he made the rattlesnake
  With it's forked poisonous tongue.
  Taught it to strike and rattle
  And how to swallow it's young.

  Then he made scorpions and lizards
  And the ugly old horned toad.
  He placed spiders of every description
  Under rocks by the side of the road.

  Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
  Hotter and hotter still.
  Until even the cactus wilted
  And the old horned lizard took ill.

  Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
  As any creator would
  He chuckled a little up his sleeve
  And admitted that it was good.

  'Twas summer now and Satan lay
  By a prickly pear to rest.
  The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
  So he took off his coat and vest.

  "By Golly," he finally panted,
  "I did my job too well,
  I'm going back to where I came from,
  Texas is hotter than Hell.

How Hot Is It?
...continued

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am before work.

No one would dream of not having air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is: 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

On with the games!!  

Mojo Friday Guidelines

 
1)   If you comment you have to recommend all comments. (in order to receive mojo you have to give mojo. It's only good mojo manners.)
2)  Everything you say may be taken as a joke (so if you ask a question, expect a silly answer)
3)  You must recommend the diary (and pimp it unapologetically)
4)  You don't have to comment to recommend.
5)  You can't steal my idea (right, like that ain't goin' to happen)
6)  Please, no pictures or YouTubes until after 300 comments. Now, after 300, use a little common courtesy and be responsible in the number.
7)  Mojo mojo mojo mojo, mojo mojo mojo.
8)  TexDem (that's me) is not bound by the guidelines. Heh
 

Mojo Friday Goals

   
A. At least 300 different commenters and 1000 comments by 1:30 PM EST and 1500 by 5:00 PM EST Friday Night that it's posted.

B. 100 recommends for each comment, at least.

C. Stay on Recommend List at least five hours (this requires some strategic planning by you guys, refer to guideline #3)

D. At least 200 diary recommends. 300 would be better, spread the word.

E. And always, fun fun fun.

F. Have at least 75% average participation rate as seen here in the Mojo Friday Postgame Show by Woodtick.

G. (New) Have at least 30 kossacks over 90% participation (see here for some tips).

H. Overload the servers with recommends, not to mention dominate Top Comments Mojo list. (we do tend to mess with the site with all of our recommends at one time)(also, to dominate the Top Comments Top Mojo we need at least 50 comments with over 200 recommends, see guideline B)

I. That's enough for now. (Have a suggestion? Post it.)    
   

MKinTN posted a diary to help everyone achieve greater success called How to Succeed at Mojo Friday Without Really Trying.    

For those of you new to MF (Mojo Friday) we have our own lingo about a few things. Thank's to MF'er Jez (the link will explain) go to this diary for a little more fun and explanation. Official Mojo Friday Snecktionary.  

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