From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Hot off the press:
Birth Certificate Pandemonium Breaks Out Among GOP Base
(IOWA) --- In a bizarre twist to an already tumultuous campaign season, hard-core supporters of the Republican presidential hopefuls are taking aim at each other, insisting that their rival candidates must either produce a valid birth certificate or drop out of the race.
"Until we see proper long-form certificates with a raised seal, the rest of the field is from Mars as far as I'm concerned," said Darwin C. Strohmeyer, 54, of Cedar Rapids, a Michele Bachmann supporter.
"Well, I've heard Bachmann was smuggled into this country from South America in a steamer trunk," shot back Sissy Parkes, 63, of Ottumwa, a regular canvasser for Rick Santorum. "So she can just cough hers up, too."
The controversy erupted in an online chat room when a supporter of Tim Pawlenty claimed that embattled candidate Newt Gingrich was born "with a sterling silver spoon in his mouth in North Tiffanystan." That prompted an outpouring of demands for Gingrich to produce his "Certificate of Live Birth," along with a stampede to Google Maps to find the location of North Tiffanystan.
By the time it was determined that the country doesn’t exist, it was too late. The war of words had spread to conservative blogs, Politico, The Drudge Report, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, Fox News, Huffington Post and, finally, the entire mainstream media.
RNC chairman Rience Priebus tried to quell the ruckus by assuring the Republican faithful that each of the candidates is "as American as I am." Unfortunately, he forgot that an open microphone was clipped to his lapel, and was caught whispering to himself, "At least I think they are. Better check. Start with Cain." After a hasty apology, a flash tea party mob agreed to stop mummifying Priebus with duct tape just as soon as he produced his own birth certificate, a process hampered by the fact that he remains propped up in a corner, immobile, at Dryer's Soda Fountain in Ames.
As of Monday evening, no birth certificate had been produced by any candidate. However, Mitt Romney's chief of staff released a library card, which the Ron Paul campaign immediately dismissed as a "crude forgery."
Meanwhile conservative author Jerome Corsi said he was working on a new book titled, "Where are the Birth Certificates?" It is scheduled for release one day after all the birth certificates are released.
"Queen Birther" Orly Taitz could not be reached for comment, as the thought of so many missing birth certificates had put her in an extended catatonic state.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Note: Last call to RSVP for the New England Kossack meetup this Saturday, July 30 at the Chef's Table in Portsmouth, New Hampshire from 1 to 4. If you'd like to join us, please RSVP to my better half, Michael, at Cuckolds04103 [at] gmail.com. Afterward we'll march down to a beauty shop and wave our "Live Free Or Dye" flags. (That never gets old.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Iowa straw poll (try to contain your excitement): 18
Days `til the Hope Watermelon Festival in Arkansas: 16
Percent of U.S. 16-19 year-olds who had summer jobs last year: 24%
Percent in the same age group who had summer jobs in 2001: 42%
(Source: The Wall Street Journal via The Week)
Overall U.S. investment amount in wind, solar, geothermal and other green energy projects: $211 billion
Overall investment in coal, gas and oil projects: $219 billion
(Source: U.N. Environment Programme via USA Today)
Latest year by which NASA wants to send astronauts to an asteroid: 2026
(Source: NASA)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
The first thing Washington should cut is their bs.
---Commenter "snowshooze" at RedState
All together now: 1…2…3… Yup. Starting with your side's.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: We hear it'll be a real page eater.
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CHEERS to a bit of good news. The aftermath of the Norway tragedy continues to reverberate, including among the hard-right here at home, who have desperately tried to avoid admitting that a blond-haired, blue-eyed Christian terrorist isn't a black-haired, brown-skinned member of al Qaeda. (They failed, and now they all look like idiots---what else is new?) But there is one bright spot in all this chaos: the police now say 68 students were killed at the island camp. Still horrible, but the original estimate was 86. You take your silver linings where you can find 'em.
JEERS to the continuing distraction from job creation. This is Day 5 of our daily updates on the debt crisis. Here's the latest: Republicans continue to employ the mountain-top removal techniques they mastered in Appalachia on America's financial solvency. They're so close to winning all the marbles they can taste it. It's kind of like the last scene in The Battle of the Bulge when German tank commander Robert Shaw is desperately trying to make it to the top of the fuel depot, but Telly Savalas and Charles Bronson are already up there and they roll a bunch of barrels filled with gasoline down the hill and it all goes up in flames around Shaw's tank, which burns his chaps---literally. Now, I can't tell yet if President Obama rolled a barrel of gas down onto the Republicans' tank last night. Join me tomorrow for Update 6. If I'm writing with a German accent, be worried.
P.S. Says here that if we went back to the tax rates that corporations and the rich had 50 years ago, we'd erase our debt. So, whatever we do, we can't do that.
CHEERS to collective buttkicking. I meant to mention this last week: Ohioans are poised to hand their manic governor, John Kasich, a stinging defeat:
Secretary of State Jon Husted [Thursday] certified that petitioners seeking a referendum on Senate Bill 5 have collected 915,456 valid signatures, meeting the necessary requirements to place the issue on the 2011 November ballot. Petitioners needed 231,147 signatures...
Mr. Jaw, meet Mr. Floor. That's some serious blowback against Fortress Teabag. SB 5, by the way, is the collective bargaining bill that would affect over 350,000 employees in the state. Public support for the repeal is now at 56%. Meanwhile Gov. Kasich's approval has dropped to 35%. Who's the idiot now, Cockybritches?
CHEERS to climbing aboard the crazy train. On July 26, 1788, New York's delegation ratified the U.S. Constitution in Poughkeepsie. But not before there was a brief conversation in the cloak room:
Delegate 1: Are you sure that we should not insist upon inclusion of some kind of balanced budget amendment in here? For the sake of our union and in the spirit of shared sacrifice, so that nothing is left on or off the table and we may all partake in the bounty of such a grand bargain?
Delegate 2: What, are you nuts? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No one will ever be so stupid as to try and put that insanity into the Constitution! Whoever makes the attempt is dumb. Dumb, I tell you. Dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumbeth and dumber!
Delegate 1: So, uh, would this be a bad time, then, to bring up amendments banning flag-burning and gay marriage?
Delegate 2: Lay off the grog, kid. You're startin' to weird me out.
After ratification they celebrated by overturning a bunch of carriages in Jersey.
CHEERS to spiking the ball in the end zone. Hooray! The NFL strike is over! Thus eliminating the nightmare scenario of spousal communication on weekends between September and January.
JEERS to people in high places who are dumber than moose poop. The chairman of the Maine Republican party is doing everything he possibly can to prove that voter fraud is a big enough CATASTROPHE!!! to warrant the recent legislation repealing our 38 year-old same-day registration law. (Among his accusations: Democrats bused in fake voters from out of state to steal elections.) Well, yesterday he fired his pop gun into the air, claiming 206 incidents of voter fraud in 2010 that he's turning over to the Secretary of State (who must be rolling his eyes right about now) for "investigation." Gerald at Dirigo Blue does a fine job explaining why there's no smoke, no fire, and no "there" there. (Oh, and strangely missing from the chairman's accusations: any proof of "mystery buses.") Of course, what's really going on is a feeble attempt by Republicans to prevent our side from gathering enough signatures for a citizens referendum to restore same-day registration. It will pass handily. The Republican chairman will cry. And all will be right in the world.
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2004 Democratic Convention Flashback: July 26
Speakers include:
U.S. Rep. Tammy Baldwin
Jimmy Carter
Bill Clinton
Hillary Clinton
Al Gore
DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe
CHEERS to Convention Fever! It's either the beginning of the end...or the beginning of a new beginning. Now that we got that deep thought out of the way, where's the bar?
JEERS to surveillance overkill. Security measures in Boston include 30 new video cameras to scrutinize crowds outside the Fleet Center, 75 to monitor other key city sites, 100+ in subways, and infrared imaging system to monitor ship traffic in and out of Boston Harbor. "Attention, man in the brown suit at the corner of Hanover and North Bennett! You have some salad stuck in your teeth!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to art imitating life. On the two-year anniversary of a certain Alaska governor's resignation, I'd like to give a special shoutout to the makers of the 53rd most-popular movie of the weekend, which trounced competitors like Hobo with a Shotgun, Trollhunter and Road to Nowhere: the Sarah Palin documentary Road to Nowhere The Undefeated. This past weekend, fueled by a massive wave of support from right-wing media and millions and millions of tea party faithful ("boots on the ground," as they like to be called because they never fail to show up), the film, now in its third week of release, hit a magic milestone of One…Hundred…THOUSAND…Dollars. The budget for the movie, however, was $1 million. So the filmmakers have dug a big old hole, spending beyond their means based on overly rosy assumptions and faulty predictions mixed with bad information-gathering and ideological purity, and any attempt to export it to other countries will end in failure. Or as Dick Cheney calls it: "The feel-good movie of the year."
Have a splishy-splashy Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The president and vice president kept one big secret from their spouses earlier this year: Both Michelle Obama and Jill Biden say they were kept in the dark about the posting of Cheers and Jeers before it took place.
---Politico
6/25/11
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