Folks, I've just received a significant leak here. A friend of mine in the President's speechwriting office just forwarded me the first draft of Obama's speech--written by the President himself--that was nixed and rewritten by her office. And as you'll see, it was a hell of a lot more straightforward than what we got.
Good evening, fellow Americans and Kenyans.
[smile]
Just kidding on that last part.
Look, I'm bending over backwards to get a damn deal done here. But everytime I give an inch, these jagoffs want a foot. When I give a foot, they want a yard. And when I get to about two-and-a-half feet, they tell me to kiss their asses, they're going back to the metric system now.
I feel like Neville fuckin' Chamberlain here.
And I'm just goddamn sick of it. I've been locked in a room, or on a phone call, with some of the most unpleasant sons-of-bitches for most of the last two weeks. Let me explain how unpleasant these assnapkins can be:
I'll start with John Boehner.
John's going to give a speech right after me, and unless he cries for three minutes, John's probably going to tell you that he's "run a small business" and that he's unwilling to give me a "blank check" for government spending.
First off, the only business that asshole ran was a company that didn't make a thing--they just acted as a middleman for plastic bottles. In other words, John's perfect for his current role selling the same recycled shit that was used during the last decade. Second, I'm not stupid. A brother never gets a blank check from a white man. That shit's got a number, with decimals, and squiggles all the way across the rest of the space.
Then there's Mitch McConnell.
Seriously, I've seen more animation from a sea turtle. The guy just keeps mumbling something through those droopy jowls about nothing getting done while I'm still in office. If I get reelected, his cheeks will be so low they'll resemble his ass cheeks.
Finally, there's the biggest pile of Virginia hog shit I've ever smelled, Eric Cantor.
When this guy starts flapping his gums, even Boehner rolls his eyes and asks, "who lets this arrogant fuckwad in here anyways?" But by the time John finishes the question, Cantor's already out of the room and bitching to cameras about what an insolent jerk I am.
The worst part is that these guys aren't even who I'm having the argument with. Have you ever tried to negotiate with Grover Norquist?
If I've ever met a more self-righteous prick, I must've forgot him. This bearded butt nugget is as interested in working out a compromise on the debt ceiling as I am in telling Michelle that her casserole sucks. Not gonna happen.
So where does this leave us? In the same damn place we were in January when these clownshoes took over the House. They say they want to blow up the government. They say, "no more."
That prompts me to give a nationally-televised speech like this, and they remember why I kicked the asses of that old Arizona coot and his beauty queen ditz of a running mate back in '08. Then I threaten to lock them in a room with Biden again. It works every time.
So don't worry, America. There's only one guy in Washington that will get away with giving in on 90% of what he didn't want to give up, yet will still get reelected. And that's me.
Thank you. God Bless America. And go to hell, Grover.
Wow. That sure as hell would've shored up that triple-A bond rating, eh? What a missed opportunity.
9:43 PM PT: Just got a copy of Boehner's originally scripted response. Quite interesting as well:
Hello. I'm House Speaker John Boehner, and I'm just ... so ... happy to be here. It's like a dream come true.
[begin uncontrollable sobbing]
Dammit. That always seems to happen.