I'm 65 years gold, and still suffer from some unresolved issues I had with my parents, especially my father, nearly 50 years ago or more.
My earliest memories go back to a cold house, both in temperature and temperament.
I saw a doctor covering the head of my little sister, just a few months younger than I was. She was Charlotte, a beautiful baby who suffered from cerebral palsy, but who died of pneumonia.
Some of my siblings think our frigid home contributed to her early death.
But I also have one warm feeling toward my dad, who took me out to fix fences with him one day. Mom packed both our lunches, and we had a real daddy-daughter day. That was my only good memory.
Then he changed. My later memories are that I felt that he hated me. I was always ready for the next criticism. I was accused of being ugly, a coward, a whiner, a bad cook, lazy, stuck up, of certainly growing up to be an "old maid. How often would us kids have to walk home from school after no parents showed up to pick us up from school. Dad was in the local tavern and had lost track of time.
When one of my little sisters got married, my parents had a wedding dance for her. When Dad asked me to dance with him, I was miserable. I didn't like the man. I was embarrassed to dance with him. I just wanted to sit down and fade into the woodwork.
I had put these bad memories away in the back of my heart, but they came out today as I read a friend's memoir of her life with an alcoholic father. The similarities of her feeling toward her dad reflected so nearly mine, and the tears flowed.
I do believe that I hurried to marry when I wasn't mature enough to go into such a relationship because I wanted to prove my dad wrong. I wouldn't be an old maid. But neither did I have a terribly happy marriage either. I ended up marrying not an alcoholic, but someone who had his own addictions.
I wish I could just get angry with my dad, but instead I always just pity him, probably something he would hate more than if I were angry.
So maybe I get the last say: "Dad, I felt sorry for you, that you lost all respect for yourself or your family. How I know you would have loved life more if you could have loved yourself and us more. God bless your soul."