For those of you who enjoyed my diary on the GOP candidates, “Who ARE these Dinosaurs?”, it’s time for another trip down Mesozoic lane. Today, we’re tackling the key players in the debt crisis debate, critters who have OUR extinction clearly in their sights. Some heavy-footed, small-brained creatures are running amok in Washington, roaring and baring their teeth, and ready to chase us towards a cliff.
With everything that’s at risk, we’d better arm ourselves with the facts about these critters, before we’re all extinct. Follow along below the coprolite for your Field Guide to American Dinosaurs.
Stegasaurus Boehneri – fossil evidence confirms that this creature has an unusual bright orange hide, making it stand out from others of its kind. In its cave, paleontologists have found containers crafted of silicon dioxide, filled with unidentifiable brown liquids that appear to be part of a self-medication ritual. Quick to lash out and attack, it was also known to weep what would later evolve into crocodile tears. Often found wandering large swaths of grassland, using rudimentary tools and muttering incoherently.
Brontosaurus Limbaughii –a large internal methane bladder allows this loud creature to generate toxic blasts of hot air that travel vast distances. Rarely leaving its cave, this behemoth is nonetheless feared and respected by other GOPosaurs (and particularly the Baggosaurs) who seek its protection as they wander the countryside in their quest for domination.
Archelon Mitchii – this ancient species of sea turtle lurks at the bottom of the ocean much of the time, emerging periodically to assess its environment (a challenge given its poor eyesight) and squawk its disapproval of anything proposed by Obamasaurus Rex. While ostensibly harmless as an individual, it commands the grudging respect of other GOPosaurs who rely on it for porcine morsels.
Extortasaurus Norquistii – an odd creature of unknown origin, this loner clawed its way to the top of the Cretaceous food chain by carving out a unique ecological niche. By demanding that other GOPosaurs scratch their marks on his “No Tax” Petroglyphs, he has been able to secure their allegiance, even to the point that they will bring down extinction on themselves and the entire species rather than to risk his sharp talons.
Iguanodon Bidenii – a BFD (Big F***ing Dinosaur), this ancient and venerable animal
has managed to survive many setbacks to lead the not-yet-extinct Demosaurs in skirmishes with the witless Baggosaurs. Highly vocal and fiercely protective of Obamasaurus Rex, this quirky, intelligent creature remains out of sight, planning its strategies to lure the GOPosaurs into the deadly Tar Pits of Doom.
Obamasaurus Rex – highly-evolved with the largest brain and best motor skills of the Mesozoic bunch, this enigmatic creature is known as a thinker, not a fighter. Little is understood about its behavior. Rising through the dino-ranks as a pod organizer, Obamasaurus has met with resistance in his attempts at rational inter-species communication with the Baggosaurs, whose only interest is feasting on his carcass as the burning world reflects in their beady eyes.
Hypocrisaurus Joewalshii – evicted from his cave, but now living large in the land of pork and honey, this vile creature roars in indignation that his fellow Baggosaurs must stand firm in opposing their nemesis, Obamasaurus Rex. While he gorges himself at the public watering hole, his offspring are left to die of thirst and starvation.
Velociraptor Cantorii – a vicious, stalking predator, this loner lurks near its prey, waiting for the ideal moment to strike, leaving them in a perpetual state of dread. Willing to sacrifice others in its pod, or convert them to a food source to ensure its dominance. Despised throughout the animal kingdom (and beyond). Ignore this sociopath at your peril.
Texasaurus Perrii –as his habitat swelters under a crushing drought, and the country teeters on the Eve of Destruction, this swaggering Baggosaur plans a “Day of Dino Prayer” to [Christian-only-please] Skyosaurus. Despite his frequent threats to drift away from the continent, this Mesozoic outsider is now poised to launch his campaign to rule the country. Expect some very interesting skeletons to be found in his cave.
Where are they now? Bonus updates on some of our previous dinosaurs:
Pteranosaurus palinii – Back in her cave in the frozen tundra, this screeching harpy has been mercifully quiet, coping with the news that her clan will be welcoming another new addition.
Archeopteryx bachmanii – yes, she’s still here, and Marcus is still… conducting peculiar rituals in their bat(shit) cave while feasting on food meant for other dinosaurs.