A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
A link to all previous Grieving Room diaries.
It has been my experience, both as someone who grieves and as someone who has friends and family and co-workers who are grieving, that all too many people are so uncomfortable with grief that they don't know what to do or say. So they don't acknowledge the grief at all.
It is an excuse to say "I don't know what to say." You do know, if you think about it for half a second. You say, "I'm sorry." Or you don't say anything at all, just hug the person. The single worst action you can take is to do or say nothing.
To pretend the grief isn't there is to invalidate the relationship the griever had to the deceased (you weren't close enough to him for it to be important). Or it is to say to that person, "You are so unimportant to me that I won't even notice that your life has been totally upended and that the worst thing that ever happened to you has happened. " Or maybe they imply, "I'm too busy and important to spend ten seconds telling you how sorry I am for your loss."
When I lost my beloved, some of my family came to see me and help me get through the funeral and some never even bothered to call. It hurt me beyond words that people I was closely related to couldn't even take five minutes to call me.
When I lost my beloved, some of my friends called and came to the funeral and some did not. It hurt me beyond words that people I thought were my friends couldn't take the time to give me condolences. It hurt me even more in the lonely months that followed that some of the people I thought were my closest friends never called, never invited me anywhere, never asked if they could help. Of course, I don't consider these people to be friends anymore, not even casual friends.
When I lost my beloved, some of my coworkers called, some stepped up and did my job as well as their own, and one priceless person bravely told the client to chill out and that, "No I won't ask her to come in to work on your project while she is on bereavement leave." Some sent flowers and cards and some came to the funeral or the viewing. But not a single senior manager showed up and none of them called or even said anything to me after I returned to work until weeks later when I broke down crying in front of them and they could no longer avoid noticing my grief. You have to understand, I work directly with all the senior managers daily - it wasn't that they didn't know me or that they had never met Karl. I still have to work with some of these people, but never again will I trust them.
Alternatively, some people I didn't know very well reached out unexpectedly and even total strangers comforted me when I broke down in public. A few people I hadn't heard from in years took the time to write or call. People I only knew from the Internet called.
Yes, it's uncomfortable and not very easy to talk to a recently bereaved person. But there are times when the needs of others outweigh your need to be comfortable. Someday it might be you who needs the comfort of others.
"I'm sorry" goes a long way. If the person doesn't want to talk, it is enough to let them know you care. And if they do want to talk, don't change the subject if they mention the deceased. Anyone can take five minutes out of their day to hear a person who is grieving.
And don't forget that the grief doesn't end with the funeral. Check in with them occasionally and see how they are doing. If they lost their spouse or live-in partner, invite them over occasionally rather that cut them off socially because you only invite couples.
Little gestures mean a lot to the grieving person. I found a gift card to a favorite restaurant one day on my keyboard; another day, someone else left chocolates. A quick hug or a card that says you are thinking about them are all gestures that cost little or nothing but mean alot.