I don’t know much about economics, but do know something about medicine.
“Dr. Obama,” Ms. Liberté, the ICU nurse, explained, “your patient is crashing again.”
“Thanks, Ms. Liberté, give me the quick rundown,” Dr. Obama cooly intoned.
“Well, this is American Economy. For 8 years, he was under the care of Dr. Bush, and kinda sputtered along, but near the end of Bush’s tenure, he suddenly got sick. It started out as a rectal infection due to Goldmansachsitis. Now he has super-low blood pressure and keeps getting worse. You had me give him a adrenaline stimulus, and his blood pressure came up a little bit, but now it’s sinking again.”
Dr. Obama ordered, “Mr. Economy needs more adrenaline STAT, we need to get his blood pressure back up.”
“Hold it right there, doctor,” an orange-skinned physician interjected. “I’m Dr. Boehner, and now I’m on this case too. You can’t give adrenaline, it’s a stimulus, and that’s not constitutional.”
“OK, what do you suggest?” asked Dr. Obama
“Well, first, it’s okay to give adrenaline, but only in relation to how much gold you have in the hospital vault.”
“What in blazes does the amount of gold in the hospital vault have to do with how much stimulus we can give?”
“The Founding Fathers believed in the gold standard, and we have to return to that.”
“But, we abandoned the gold standard 70 years ago and our patients have been stable ever since, until this particularly bad downturn,” answered Dr. Obama. “And while Dr. Bush was on the case, we didn’t care about how much gold was in the vault. So why do you care so much now about this ‘gold standard’?”
“Because,” Dr. Boehner answered, “we always care about these issues, but particularly when someone from Democrat Medical School is on a case.”
Suddenly, a rotund man sitting at a microphone across the room screamed, “Dr. OBAMA IS A KENYAN COMMUNIST”.
“Who’s that?” asked Dr. Obama
“Oh, that’s just Mr. Limbaugh, he gets like that when we don’t give him his narcotics,” answered nurse Liberté. “Hold on, Rush, I’ll bring you some Oxycontin in just a sec.”
“You’re all PROGRESSIVES, in a conspiracy to turn Americans into slaves!!!!” screamed a crew-cut man standing in front of a graffiti-riddled blackboard.
“Calm down, Mr. Beck,” soothed nurse Liberté, “I’ve got a sedative on the way.”
“Man, we have a lot of looney patients on this ward,” Dr. Obama said.
“Excuse me, Dr. Obama,” interjected Dr. Boehner, “but those ‘patients,’ as you call them, are red-blooded AMERICANS—which is more than I can say for you—and I believe everything they’re saying. They’ve made me the Doctor I am today. Now, excuse me, but I have to round on my patients on the top floor of the hospital. Mr. Moneybags banged his pinky on the hatch of his corporate jet, and he needs my undivided attention.”
“So, Dr. Boehner,” asked Dr. Obama, you’re not going to help me resuscitate Mr. Economy?”
“No, just don’t give him any more adrenaline. No, wait,” smiled Dr. Boehner, you can give him all the adrenaline you want that you can get out of that faucet over there.” He gestured at a rusty pipe across the ward.
“Oh, yeah,” nurse Liberté interjected, “Dr. Reagan, when he was running the place, installed that plumbing. It’s a pipe that leads from the top of the hospital where all the rich, healthy patients stay. They piss into their toilets and any adrenaline in their urine is distilled and comes out of that faucet. We call that ‘trickle-down medicine.’ Problem is, nothing’s come out of that faucet in several years.”
Dr. Boehner interjected, “now, Dr. Obama, we could get even more adrenaline out our rich patients on the top floor if you cut their room taxes. You see, if you cut taxes, rich people get excited, produce more adrenaline, then it goes to their kidneys, then it goes to their bladders, then it goes in Dr. Reagan’s special toilets, through the pipes, through the distillation center, out that faucet there, and then straight into Mr. America’s vein. He’ll be good as new!!! You see, Dr. Obama, your tiny mind cannot grasp the fact that my patients, like Mr. Moneybags, are JOB-CREATORS, and if you don’t keep them stimulated with low taxes, they won’t CREATE JOBS!!!!!”
Dr. Obama replied, “now, Dr. Boehner, you know that Dr. Bush cut taxes and nothing’s come out of that faucet. On the other hand, Dr. Clinton raised taxes, and there was plenty of stimulus for everyone, even before he got caught with that nurse Lewinsky. How do you explain that?”
But, Dr. Boehner had already left the ward, having no answer to that question.
Nurse Liberté and Dr. Obama turned toward the sound of rhythmic rapid clicking of high heels, their wearer striding briskly down the hall. “Dr. Obama—if indeed you ARE a doctor,” she snarled, “I’m Dr. Bachman.”
“Yes, I can see that on your nametag,” Dr. Obama chuckled to himself. “What can I help you with?”
“Well, Dr. Obama, I don’t need your kind of help. I have researched you on the internet, and I am certain you are a Kenyan, communist, terrorist, anticolonialist, socialist, fascist, tsarist…”
“...Dr. Bachman, what is your point?”
“My point is that you are a Usurper, you should not be treating this patient. Every patient you see, you kill.”
“OK, Dr. Bachman, how would you treat this patient? And what about General Motors and Mr. Chrysler? They came into this hospital sicker than a dog, now they’re out productive again.”
“Certainly you know, Dr. Obama, that your treatment of those patients was totally unconstitutional.” Her beeper interrupted her explanation. She glanced at it, already knowing the message: “you’re right, MIchelle, and they’re wrong.” She smiled.
“Who’s that paging you, Dr. Bachman?” Dr. Obama asked.
“Well, that’s my God beeper, God calls me and gives me messages.”
“Wow, Dr. Bachman, that’s incredible, mind if I take a look?”
Dr. Bachman shot him a dirty look, but reluctantly handed the Usurper the beeper of the Lord.
“Dr. Bachman, this is amazing, this beeper has room for 19 messages, and all of them say the same thing, ‘you’re right, MIchelle, and they’re wrong.’”
“Yes, Dr. Obama, my beeper from God tells the truth: I AM always right!. As I was saying, your treatment of General Motors and Mr. Chrysler was un-Christian and unconstitutional. You had no right to give them Bailout and force them to replace their dead brains with new heads. Instead, you should have let Dr. Bankruptcy take them to operating room #11, where he could have cut them up and parted them out to deserving companies. That’s what God and the Founding Fathers would have done.”
“But, Dr. Bachman, that would have disrupted so many lives. Now, both Mr. Chrysler and Gen. Motors are healthy, with new heads running their companies much better. We could not have afForded to lose these patients, no pun intended. And you didn’t mind when Dr. Reagan treated Mr. Chrysler with Bailout, so why are you so irate with me?”
“‘Cause he wasn’t a Kenyan, communist, terrorist, anticolonialist, socialist, fascist, tsarist…”
She continued to rant, not even noticing Dr. Obama turning on his heel and walking away, shaking his head.