From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
A Quick Word About Tonight's Poll
I'd forgotten when I started doing what is now our traditional Friday night C&J poll, so I went back and checked. The first was March 28, 2008. Barack Obama won that week. And the next week. And the next. And the next. In fact, he topped six out of our first ten "Who won the week?" polls. [Sigh] Oh to be young and in love.
The most poignant winner in between all those BHOs was chosen by you on May 23rd of '08: "Ted Kennedy, for vowing to win his battle with brain cancer." Ted Kennedy…Scott Brown. Ted Kennedy…Scott Brown. Ted Kennedy…Scott Brown. Doesn't that just make ya want to throw up?
Anyway. Before some of you ask why the "obvious" winner of tonight's poll isn't listed, I'd like to preemptively argue that "The Republicans"---or specific leaders within that zombie clan---don't deserve to be on the list. Because they don't. They may have scored a "victory" against the ever-rubber-spined Dems ("Are you a member of an organized party?" "No, I'm a Democrat." Ha Ha), but they're not winners. They're damaged people who should be in therapy a minimum of three days a week.
The Republicans did not "hold firm" during these "negotiations." They abused their power and stomped all over Americans' trust in them. Less than three years after a calamity that shook the rafters of our humble village huts, Republicans dangled an even worse catastrophe---national default---over our heads. That means all of our heads, regardless of political affiliation or age or religion or anything else. That is the furthest thing from "winning." That is betrayal---of all of us. And not one single Republican in the House or Senate stood up and said, "Guys, what we're doing is nuts."
Not…one. No, not even the saintly Maine twins.
If there is a god, every sitting Republican and potential Republican contender will lose in a landslide 15 months from now. They're not winners. They're fuckups. They can't honestly explain what their "policies" and "plans" will actually do to our nation without a backlash of public opinion, so they go low-road: Knee-to-the-groin low. Cheat-on-your-wife low. Don't pay your child support low. Bilk your customers low. Steal Grandma's Social Security checks low. (Oh well…the Ten Commandments are more of a guide, anyway, right?) The only list they belong on is a list of worsts.
So, my point being, that's why "they" aren't on the winners poll. But I'm lovin' the real winners who are. (Go, judges!) And thank god we have so many who walk among us to help push back against the nutbagdirtballs.
But enough ranting. It's my birthday. C'mon down and pull mah finger. I'm servin' year-old vanilla wafers and Tang, plus I'm showin' off my new liver spots. (One looks like Jeeeeesus!)
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 5, 2011
Note: There will be no C&J Monday on account of the Koch Brothers will be trying to persuade me to come to the dark side. I wanted to turn 'em down on the spot, trust me, but they exploited my weakness for Razzles. ("First it's a candy, then it's a gum. Little round Razzles are so much fun." So true. So true.) Back Tuesday.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next recall elections in Wisconsin: 4
Days `til the Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park: 7
Percent chance that July, 2011 was the hottest month on record in Portland, Maine: 100%
(Source: National Weather Service)
Percent of all new electrical capacity expected to be generated by wind and solar between now and 2019, according to the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: 60%
Size of Alaska's "oil wealth fund," from which dividend checks are distributed to the state's residents every year: $40.1 billion
(Source: Alaska Permanent Fund)
Percent of Americans who say they've tasted their pet's food: 25%
Percent who say they wouldn’t vote for a presidential candidate who doesn’t like pets: 66%
(Source: Parade)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: This'll melt the coldest heart. Still, I have to say I'm glad they didn't make her an honorary surgeon.
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CHEERS to---please don’t flee, I'm not crazy!---New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. It seems he swallowed the blue pill instead of the red pill before he went to work last week, because he tore into the Muslim haters in his party and their Sharia law fetish like a fresh box of Ring Dings. Keep in mind when you read this excerpt, that this is the Republican/Tea Party's next Ronald Reagan:
Sharia law has nothing to do with this at all. It’s crazy. It’s crazy. [Lawyer and state bench appointee Sohail Mohammed is] an American citizen who has been an admitted lawyer to practice in the state of New Jersey, swearing an oath to uphold the laws of New Jersey, the constitution of the state of New Jersey, and the Constitution of the United States of America…this sharia law business is crap. It’s just crazy. And I’m tired of dealing with the crazies. It’s just unnecessary to be accusing this guy of things just because of his religious backround.
He might as well have said, "Raise taxes on the rich, give women full reproductive rights, and keep creationism out of science class." What must the Sharia-fearing crybabies be thinking now? "What's thinking mean?" is my guess.
JEERS to a bad case of post hoc ergo propter hoc. Yesterday I went to get my drivers license renewed. The line was short, the DMV employee behind the glass was friendly and efficient, I was in and out in 15 minutes, and then the moment I left the Dow plunged by 513 points, causing the worst economic calamity in years. I'd just like to say that I'm dreadfully sorry and it won’t happen again. Or at least---[checks expiration date]---not until 2016.
CHEERS to smart war management. 150 years ago, in 1861, President Lincoln signed into law the first federal income tax. He felt it was fiscally responsible because we were waging a civil war. Today tea party Republicans would tar Lincoln as a tax-and-spend liberal and hold the surrender ceremony at Appomattox hostage until he backed down and repealed it. And after Abe got done with 'em there'd be a lot of teabaggers who wouldn't be able to sit down for a week.
JEERS to convenient conversions. In 2002, Texas Governor Rick Perry was asked if his religion had any impact on his political opinions and decisions, and he replied, "I don’t think it does." Funny how he's changed his tune since then, now that a bunch of rich old Elmer Gantrys have given him a flirtatious wink:
"A historic crisis facing our nation and threatening our future demands a historic response from the church," Perry said in a video recorded to promote the event. "We must, as a people, return to the faith and hope of our fathers. The ancient paths of great men were blazed in prayer---the humility of the truly great men of history was revealed in their recognition of the power and might of Jesus to save all who call on His great name."
And so, at tomorrow's "The Response" gathering in Houston, they'll pray and pray and pray. They'll pray for rain. They'll pray for money. They'll pray for a return to sanity (whatever that means these days). They'll pray for an end to immorality and incivility and icky hippie stuff. Of course they'll pray away the gay. And hovering over it all will be the barely-concealed message of hope and love that feathers their nest and lines their pockets: "Crush the Democrats." And then they'll go back to their offices and studios and crow about what a BIG SUCCESS™ it was. And lost in the back-slapping will be the fact that no prayers from the rally---not one---will actually be answered. Because, as God herself is smart enough to know, that would only encourage them.
P.S. Saw on Hardball earlier that the stadium holds 71,000 people, and there are still 63,500 seats available. They coulda just rented an Elks lodge.
JEERS to stupid white men. On August 5, 1994, Kenneth Starr, solicitor general under President George H.W. Bush, was named as independent prosecutor investigating Whitewater. His final report said virtually nothing about that non-scandal. But it did mention the word "sex" over 500 times. Even Larry Flynt was like, "Whoa, Kenny, dude, get help."
JEERS to saying anything for a cheap click. Today on Facebook I noticed an ad in the right-hand margin. This is what it says:
Obama's Coming Depression
50% unemployment,
90% stock market collapse,
100% inflation.
See the evidence.
Horrors! The ad is sponsored by NewsMax, the mighty conservative media outlet that claims accuracy in its reporting. Curious (and a'scared!!!), I went to check it out. They want to sell you investment shit because they know what they're talking about! Trust us! Get the facts! We're the experts! Follow our lead! Do what we do! We'll save you from the apocalyptic Obama Depression! Or...not. If you read their massive disclaimer (which has "team of lawyers" written all over it), you eventually get to this:
INFORMATION IS OBTAINED FROM SOURCES BELIEVED TO BE RELIABLE, BUT IS IN NO WAY GUARANTEED. NO GUARANTEE OF ANY KIND IS IMPLIED OR POSSIBLE WHERE PROJECTIONS OF FUTURE CONDITIONS ARE ATTEMPTED. IN NO EVENT SHOULD THE CONTENT OF THIS REPORT BE CONSTRUED AS AN EXPRESS OR IMPLIED PROMISE, GUARANTEE OR IMPLICATION BY OR FROM THE SERVICES, NEWSMAX OR ANY OF ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AFFILIATES OR OTHER AGENTS THAT YOU WILL PROFIT OR THAT LOSSES CAN OR WILL BE LIMITED IN ANY MANNER WHATSOEVER.
SOME RECOMMENDED TRADES MAY INVOLVE SECURITIES HELD BY OUR OFFICERS, AFFILIATES, EDITORS, WRITERS OR EMPLOYEES, AND INVESTMENT DECISIONS MAY BE INCONSISTENT WITH OR EVEN CONTRADICTORY TO THE DISCUSSION OR RECOMMENDATION IN THE SERVICE. PAST RESULTS ARE NO INDICATION OF FUTURE PERFORMANCE. ALL INVESTMENTS ARE SUBJECT TO RISK, WHICH SHOULD BE CONSIDERED PRIOR TO MAKING ANY INVESTMENT DECISIONS.
Wow. Doesn't that make you feel safer, knowing that NewsMax is here to help save you from THE COMING OBAMA DEPRESSION WITH 100 PERCENT INFLATION by offering such a fine selection of muddled mishmash that could blow up in your face at any moment? I say, Buy Buy Buy! (Disclaimer: Anything but what NewsMax is selling.)
CHEERS to the thrill of victory. On August 5, 1923, Henry Sullivan became the first American to swim the English Channel. The feat occurred moments after someone put a plate of haggis in front of him.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Another lazy summer weekend, another lazy summer weekend with slim pickins on the teevee. But here's what's there: On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with former Council of Economic Advisors chair Christina Romer, chef Anthony Bourdain, liberal pundit goddess Joan Walsh, astrophysicist Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, and waster-of-celluloid director Steve Bannon ("The Undefeated: Gosh, Sarah Palin is Awesome"). New DVD releases include the animated Rio and not much else. The Red Sox, now tied with the Yankees in the AL East, will rectify that unacceptable situation. Tiger Woods is back on the course at the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron. If you have a tolerance for wading into muddy rivers to catch squirmy critters with your bare hands---and who doesn't?--- check out the premiere of Hillbilly Handfishin' Sunday on Animal Planet. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Spoiler Alerts:
Meet the Press: Sen. John Kerry; roundtable with Cryptkeeper Greenspan, Austan Goolsbee (continuing his farewell tour), Republican strategist Alex Castellanos and, to keep everyone honest, Rachel Maddow. Plus, as a special non-surprise, in his 890th appearance: John McCain! (They should just put him on the payroll and get it over with.) Spoiler Alert: David Gregory's gigantic "Tweet Board" falls on Greenspan and cures his sciatica.
This Week: Dunno. They never update their web site before C&J posts, but their current top headline is helpful: "White House Advisor David Plouffe Says No Budget Deal Reached Yet As Default Deadline Nears." [Facepalm] Spoiler Alert: Christiane Amanpour thanks a guest for "shedding light on this important issue," even though the guest will have shed no light on this important issue.
Face the Nation: David Axelrod, Howard Dean and Lindsay Graham. Spoiler Alert: Sadly, eligible-bachelor Graham's dance card remains empty.
The McLaughlin Group: The usual blood-pressure-raising prattle. Spoiler Alert: This week the group welcomes its new sponsor, the American Hypertension Pharmaceutical Council.
Washington Week: Economic analysis from Deborah Solomon of The Wall Street Journal; The debt-ceiling aftermath with Time's Michael Duffy and Charles Babington of AP. Spoiler Alert: Gwen Ifill's closing commentary, "What the fuck is happening to this country??!!" will not be suitable for small children.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Paul Ryan (R-WI), Legg Mason CEO Bill Miller, One-on-One Exclusive with Tim Pawlenty! Roundtable with Byron York, Kirsten Powers, Juan Williams, and Susan Ferrechio. Spoiler Alert: The one-on-one with Tim Pawlenty is, like, totally platonic.
Happy viewing! Spoiler Alert: Your viewing will, indeed, be happy. If you avoid the Sunday morning shows.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 5, 2006
CHEERS to doing the right thing. Last night, by a vote of 56 to 42, the Senate said "No, Dammit!" to a toxic minimum wage bill that included the "poison pill" estate tax repeal. Republicans, claiming they've outfoxed Democrats, can now run around during their campaigns saying, "Look! They voted down yer minimum wage hike!" In reality, they've "outfoxed" millions of poor people who haven't seen a minimum-wage increase in nearly a decade. In other news, D.C. sanitation crews spent 6 hours last night cleaning up a mysterious proliferation of champagne bottles along K Street.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to my August 5 birthday posse. Neil Armstrong. Director John Huston. Loni Anderson. Patrick Ewing. The Elephant Man. Kossacks "Simple," "dmb0857," "stlsophos" and "LeoDaLion." After we swarm Denny's for our birthday discount (47 percent for me, so gimme a Bacon Slam, a Sausage Slam, a Ham Slam and a Lipitor sundae), we intend to spend the weekend stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. We've got the perfect lure: a credit default swap attached to a fish hook.
P.S. Also on this date Marilyn Monroe, Carmen Miranda, Alec Guinness and Richard Burton died. On second thought, maybe I'll just spend a quiet evening under my bed with the dust bunnies.
Have a nice weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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