I have a vet appointment in three hours. I think this is goodbye for my Buzz. I am putting him to sleep.
I don't know what else to do. Physically he is perfectly healthy. But something is wrong, terribly wrong psychologically.
If you have not read the previous diaries where I asked for help here is Part I and Part II.
Today got worse.
Buzz had gone to doggie daycare the past two days and done well. No issues that I am aware of. I cannot afford to put him in daycare everyday.
Today was his first day without daycare where he was at home. Within an hour of leaving for work I had a telephone call from a neighbor that he had gotten out. I left work (and got warned about doing so) and got him from the neighbor. I put him in the house and locked the house.
When I got home, he was not in the house, but the house was a shambles. Broken and torn miniblinds, trash everywhere and Buzz gone. Poor Zoey was there, cowering as though she had done something bad (which of course she had not, she was fine).
Another call from a different neighbor. Buzz was at her house.
But he had also destroyed the blinds to her living room.
I went and picked him up and saw the wreckage and damage he had done to their house. I have no idea what it will cost to fix and replace the things my dog destroyed.
So I called the vet.
In my mind I cannot see any alternative to putting him down. He can't be adopted because of his age, the abuse he has been through and the way he is behaving. I can't afford to put him in daycare every day and besides - what do I do when I run out to eat? To the grocery store? To pick up my daughter from school? I can't afford to lose my job and I am getting in trouble for leaving work to get the dog.
I have nightmares about him being hit by a car. He just roams the streets. One of the people who called me said he was lying in the road.
He's been on Prozac for a week... I don't see a change.
Please someone tell me I don't have to kill my dog tonight. I don't think I could live with myself if I put a healthy dog down but what else can I do?
I feel so completely useless. I can't help my dog. I am am going to have to kill him. I hate myself so completely for even thinking this.
5:09 PM PT: Some facts that I should add:
1. he was adopted from a no kill shelter 11 years ago. He was the victim of terrible abuse - this is not speculation, this is what the shelter told my then wife and I when we adopted him.
2. he is terrified of crates and has been ever since I have had him. Nonetheless I have tried crates again.
3. I am in a rental house and cannot modify the property to accomodate a run or similar. I have inquired about it.
4. I hate myself for this whole situation. So hide rate away. I assure you that you cannot possbily make me feel worse about this or about the kind of person I am than I already do.
5:13 PM PT: Shit, I forgot to add the other huge factor. It's clear that this is separation anxiety. I know that. The problem started when my job forced me to being to travel. now I am on the road 50% - 70% of the time. I am gone twenty days out of september and about eleven of October.
My ex won't keep him with him behaving this way. She just wont do it. And I cannot afford to board him all that time. Not that that would do anything for his separation anxiety anyway.