Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has announced today that, in his opinion, it should be legal for a person to marry a corporation. The exchange came at the Iowa State Fair, just prior to tonight's Republican debate. As reported by Jed Lewison on the front page, following his announcement that a distant cousin of Ronald Reagan would be marrying Bain Capital, the corporation he helped to spawn in 1984, Romney assailed those who challenged the right of corporations to marry people. He engaged in this exchange with audience members:
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Corporations?!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people.
AUDIENCE (laughter)
ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: In their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? People's pockets. Okay, human beings, my friend.
The exchange has reignited Republican concerns over Romney's views about the long-disclaimed Mormon practice of marrying multiple partners.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: So is it only one person per corporation?
ROMNEY: No, it doesn't have to be. As many people who want to marry a single corporation and devote their lives to it in loving matrimony can do so.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Then that sounds like polygamy!
ROMNEY: No, no -- corporations are people without "gametes," or sex cells. They reproduce by creating "subsidiaries." So technically it's "polysubsidy."
AUDIENCE (laughter)
ROMNEY: Hey, do I make fun of your religion?
RICK SANTORUM: I just walked by and heard you say the phrase "sex cells," and I am here to faint! [Does so]
ROMNEY: No corporation would have you anyway, Santorum.
Romney's assertion became more contentious when the conversation turned to sex.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: So does this mean that anyone in a marriage relationship can have sexual relations?
ROMNEY: Sex within marriage is just fine with God.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: So if two men marry the same corporation, they are part of the same marriage, right?
ROMNEY: Oh my -- I don't like where this is going....
AUDIENCE (laughter)
ROMNEY: You see, um, two wives in a polygamous relationship would not be allowed to have sex without their husband's involvement ...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: So if two guys marry McDonalds, they could have legally have marital relations so long as they were eating Big Macs?
ROMNEY: It's called a Royale with Cheese!
The implications of Romney's argument soon became apparent to him.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: You just came out for gay marriage, Mitt!
ROMNEY: I did not! I take it back! Only one person can marry a corporation at a time!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: How is a single human being going to satisfy a huge corporation, Mitt?
ROMNEY: Well, the corporation may decide to marry a number of people serially.
AUDIENCE (laughter)
NEWT GINGRICH: I was just walking by and wanted to say: works for me!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Newt! Newt for President!
ROMNEY: Oh, my God! No!!!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: We were just kidding.
GINGRICH: Ha! Even I knew that!
Romney quickly began to backpedal on his position.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: OK, Pawlenty for President! No, we're joking again.
ROMNEY: I want to clarify my position. Corporations are not people for purposes of marriage.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: So corporations can be considered people for some purposes, but not for others, like marriage -- or taxation?
ROMNEY: No ... no ... taxation is much more important than marriage ...
AUDIENCE (laughter)
ROMNEY: ... to corporations. Hey, no fair taking that first part out of context!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Too late, Mitt! We have you on video! And we're Republicans! We have no scruples at all!
ROMNEY: Yeah, but you also have no one else to vote for!
AUDIENCE: You do have a point there.
ROMNEY (laughter)