From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Pencils Down. Brains in Neutral. Late Night Snark Time:
"[GOP] campaigns soliciting money know exactly what buttons to push. They send urgent emails with emotional triggers that make you feel part of something bigger. Like Bachmann's 'Join the Fight,' Pawlenty's 'I can't do it alone' and Herman Cain's 'Give me five dollars and I'll punch a Muslim.'"
---Stephen Colbert
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"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money."
---Jay Leno
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"New reports say that President Obama’s re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They’re also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'"
---Conan O'Brien
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"There's a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage."
---Bill Maher
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"A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, 'Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
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"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren’t home when the question was asked."
---Jimmy Kimmel
And a fond memory from five years ago to light the corners of your mind:
"Republican Senator [and] possible '08 presidential candidate George Allen of Virginia was pointing out that his opponent in the Senate race, James Webb, had sent someone to videotape all of George Allen's appearances, which is not a very nice thing to do because George Allen says some really stupid shit. Like, 'Let's all welcome 'Macaca' over here to America.' Although in Allen's defense, he didn't know that the gentleman was already a citizen and didn't need to be welcomed to America, or that his name wasn't 'Macaca.' I think Allen just assumed the gentleman looked macaca-ish."
---Jon Stewart
And remember, my friends: Corporations are people. And so is Soylent Green.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 12, 2011
BREAKING! PLEASE READ! Hey guys, gals and platter pals! Catch David "Kagro X" Waldman and Armando "Armando" Armando tomorrow morning at 10 ET on Sirius/XM for the premiere of Daily Kos Radio! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll undress both of them in your mind a hundred times! Special guests: Kos, McJoan, Uncle Jed Lewison, dopper0189 from Black Kos, and your phone calls at 1-866-99-SIRIUS (1-866-997-4748), and your tweets to @DailyKosRadio!!! If you're not a subscriber, click here for a free 30-day trial.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Clean Energy Summit 4.0: 18
Days `til the 7th annual Austin Bat Fest, now combined with Night of the Bat: 15
Number of candidates in whose tents Mike Huckabee will be playing guitar in Ames, Iowa this weekend: 3 (Pawlenty, Cain, Santorum)
Profit made by the top five oil companies in the second quarter of this year: $36 billion
Could you repeat that, please? I thought you said $36 billion, and there's no way that could be possible since we taxpayers are subsidizing the oil industry with billions of dollars, which must mean they're struggling: $36 billion!!!
Length of the world's longest water coaster, called Mammoth, which will open next May at Holiday World in Indiana: 1,725 feet
Number of round U.S. postage stamps issued: 1 (The $11.75 Space Achievement and Exploration stamp in 2000)
Rank of the 1993 29-cent Elvis stamp among most popular stamps of all-time: #1
(Source: USPS)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oooh…very Andrew Wyeth.
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CHEERS to straw poll madness!!! In less than 24 hours, the next President of the United States will be chosen a meaningless carnival gimmick ("All the fun of a poll tax with none of the consequences," says Jon Stewart) will take place in Ames, Iowa. Specifically, people will be paid by Republican presidential candidates to shove a straw up their tuckus. The candidate with the most straws sticking out of their ass by the time the cow-tipping contest ends (Go, Bossie!!!), but not before the shearin' 'o the hamsters, wins a free elephant ear and a 90 percent chance of getting thumped in the January caucus by Rick Perry. And that's why you come to C&J: to get the facts.
P.S. Rick Perry officially enters the race tomorrow. May the gaffe gods show no mercy.
P.P.S. Rick Perry officially enters the race tomorrow. Thanks for playing, Santorum, Cain, Pawlenty, Paul, Huntsman, Gingrich and Bachmann, but he'll be taking your followers now. Nothing personal. Just business. And try to control your pit stains (Mittstains?), Romney.
JEERS to previews of coming ughtractions. Big debate last night in Iowa. In the interest of not being helpful, I offer a smattering of observations:
Not many people know this, but before each Republican debate the auditorium is flooded with CO2 so the candidates don’t asphyxiate themselves on oxygen.
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Rick Santorum would do better if he changed his name to Rock. The bumper sticker would read: "Rock Santorum: the CAN-DO-didate!"
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Mitt Romney is the love child of Ted Danson and C3PO.
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We may never know what caused Michele Bachmann to leave the stage, return late, and spend the rest of the debate dazed and distracted. My guess: she encountered a shiny object while she was in the potty.
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Herman Cain insists that America needs to learn how to recognize a joke when they hear one. To help us achieve that goal, I'll share something I recognized as a joke when I heard it: "President Herman Cain."
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When Jon Huntsman explained that he supports civil unions, there was a small but unmistakable burst of applause. In political science terms, we call that "a first."
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The candidates all rejected a hypothetical deal that would cut ten dollars in spending for every one dollar in tax increases. Obama immediately called moderator Chris Wallace on his cellphone and said, "Okay, fine. Twenty, then, and that's as high as I'll go!"
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Final winner by unanimous decision: Byron York's hair.
The next debate is scheduled for much too soon.
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. 56 years ago today, on August 12, 1955, that liberal fringe kook President Eisenhower raised the hourly minimum wage from 75¢ to a dollar. Or, as Republicans today would call it, "a dollar too much."
JEERS to tin-eared tower-dwellers. I'm pretty sure, White House message makers, that "patent reform" will do something or other that will help America be more competitive. Really I do. I do I do I do!!! But if you think "Patent reform" sounds credible or significant when someone asks you what you're doing to create jobs, then you've been smokin' some bad weed from the South Lawn kitchen garden. So, yes, do your patent reform. Make patent reform a jewel in your crown! Start planning your Amazing Patent Reform Wing of the Barack Obama Presidential Library! But shut up about it. It sounds bureaucratic, nibble-around-the-edges small, and it makes a terrible soundbite. Love, Billy.
CHEERS to an endangered species making it through another year---barely. On August 12, 1889, William Gray patented the humble payphone. In the last several years---thank you, cellphones---over half of America's payphones have disappeared. It definitely makes it more challenging to call people anonymously in the middle of the night to arrange ransom drops, trust me. I mean...er, um...from what I hear.
CHEERS to home vegetation. No hard evidence to go on here, but it seems like this weekend---smack dab in the middle of August---is poised to be the dog-day'iest of summer. If the teevee calls, it'll be pretty slim pickin's. The season finale of Whale Wars is tonight on Animal Planet. New DVD releases including Jumping the Broom (never heard of it---a Christine O'Donnell documentary, maybe?), the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost E.T. spoof Paul, and the Blu-Ray treatment of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. (Full list at Ain't It Cool News) The PGA Championship---the last major of the year---will be taking place at, if I remember correctly, a golf course. The #1 Red Sox continue the rope-a-dope strategy they launched at the beginning of the year when they lost a bunch of games, dropped to last place, fooled everyone into thinking they sucked, and then unleashed a perfect storm of whupass. (Ha Ha! Psych!) On 60 Minutes: Tax havens and Top Gear and Albert Pujols, oh my!
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, in which you might sense a bit of a pattern:
Meet the Press: Iowa! Michele Bachmann! Plus roundtable with Iowa Governor Terry Branstad, GOP strategist Mike Murphy, the Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson, Politico's Jonathan Martin, and Chuckie the Todd.
This Week: Iowa! Michele Bachman! Plus Tim Pawlenty and David Axelrod; roundtable with Jake Tapper, George Will, Matthew Dowd, ABC News Political Director Amy Walter, Laura Ingraham, and Radio Iowa News Director Kay Henderson.
Face the Nation: Iowa! Michele Bachmann! Plus CBS News Chief White House Correspondent Norah O'Donnell and DNC chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
CNN's State of the Union: Iowa! Michele Bachmann! I am not making this up!
Washington Week: Iowa! But no Michele Bachmann? Gwen Ifill is a freedom snubber!!!! Panel includes Dan Balz of The Washington Post, CNBC's John Harwood and Jackie Calmes of The New York Times.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Iowa! Michele Bachmann! Ahhh…that's better.
With Rick Perry entering the race, consider this onslaught of Bachmann over-coverage her swan song. We'll miss ya, crazy lady. And your googly eyes.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 12, 2006
CHEERS to mooning the President. In the latest AP/Ipsos poll, Bush musters a whopping 33% approval by We The People. Look at that again:
33
A pair of bare buttocks pointing to the right. Oh, America...I luvs ya.
CHEERS to the disappearing incumbent magic trick. Wow---Jerks Tom DeLay, Duke Cunningham, and Joe Lieberman have bit the dust. Now Congressman Bob Ney from my home state of Ohio says he's out of the running for re-election. He wants to spend more time with his subpoenas.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to America's favorite safety net. This Sunday, make sure you raise your mimosa (or other fine juice-based beverage…or a pancake) to President Franklin Roosevelt. It was on August 14, 1935, when he gave us one less thing to fear by signing the Social Security Act into law, saying…
"We can never insure one hundred percent of the population against one hundred percent of the hazards and vicissitudes of life, but we have tried to frame a law which will give some measure of protection to the average citizen and to his family against the loss of a job and against poverty-ridden old age.
This law, too, represents a cornerstone in a structure which is being built but is by no means complete. It is a structure intended to lessen the force of possible future depressions. It will act as a protection to future Administrations against the necessity of going deeply into debt to furnish relief to the needy. The law will flatten out the peaks and valleys of deflation and of inflation. It is, in short, a law that will take care of human needs and at the same time provide for the United States an economic structure of vastly greater soundness."
Today a frighteningly high number of not-yet-65 teabaggers regard Social Security as the brainchild of a dirty eff'ing Marxist socialist hippie. But just you wait---when they start getting their checks in the mail, they'll welcome them with open arms. And then they'll start complaining that their hippie Marxist socialist checks aren't big enough. And then they'll actively work to prevent the hippie Marxist socialist program from being privatized by the evil Republicans. Run that by your local annoying wingnut next time he says evolution doesn't exist.
Have a weekend that only slightly resembles the breakout scene from The Road Warrior. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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