Now please, bow your heads with me.
"Dear heavenly Father, our Lord God, Jesus Christ, Creator of all things, Master of the Universe, we ask you for your blessing today. Please make yourself known in this place today. However, please spare us for the next three to four minutes as I don't care what the Bible says about what I'm doing now. Yes Lord, you and I both know that I along with my congregation here today have read Matthew 6:5-6 where we are told to go into our closets and close the door when we pray instead of praying to be seen of men like the hypocrites. But we know, somewhere, somehow, you meant to say that it is okay to do it on Sunday mornings. And yes I know in the very next verse we are told to not babble like the Pagans but please, oh God, Heir of all things, Author of our faith, look at this way. Rick Perry and his crew are praying for much longer than I am today in a much more public place in front of 30,000 people, while there are only 2,400 here who judging by their tithing practices average an annual income of about $9,000. And I know, because I watch Fox News, that you have blessed him.
We, here in this place, know how much our lengthy and babbly prayers mean to you. For just last week, after many weeks praying for rain in West Texas, you sent us a couple of inches. We thank you for answering our prayers, as we know you are omnipresent and could have been curing patients of AIDS or cancer, but whose prayers did you answer? Because we here are your people, you have answered our prayers. Here we lower taxes, because we know it's WTF Jesus would have done. We love the homosexuals but hate their homosexuality for being gay is less tolerable of a sin than those that we in this congregation commit. Because all sins are not created equal, okay? Let's just get that straight with the world oh Lord because someone screwed that up in translation. We know you shook your head when I mentioned curing patients of AIDS, because we know as well as you do that you have created the incurable disease to punish the gays for their sins.
We want to pray for the Democrats and President Obama today Lord God, Almighty on High. For they spend their time encouraging higher taxes instead of cutting useless programs like Medicare and Medicaid. They believe prayer should not be allowed in school, but I don't see what the big problem is. All of us Christians, except for when we are at church on Sundays or prayer group on Wednesdays, follow Christ's direction for prayer. I'm positive we are all praying away from others, in private, like we are supposed to be, so how does anyone even know if Christians are praying in school oh God?!? Because I did see that one girl who did pray during that one speech at that one graduation ceremony and said she was practicing her freedom of speech and religion. But Lord God my Savior, I do not know what religion she was practicing because it surely wasn't Christianity. Because, we know how to pray when it's not Sunday. But please just as you did for your enemies on the cross, we forgive the Democrats for they know not what they are doing.
We ask these things in the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit,
Amen............ For now............ The Worship Leader will talk to you again before he does his thing, then brother Frank will talk to you before he does the offering thing, and then we will talk one more time before I dismiss these guys......"
You may be seated.