KosAbility is a community diary series posted at 5 PM ET every Sunday and Wednesday by volunteer diarists. This is a gathering place for people who are living with disabilities, who love someone with a disability, or who want to know more about the issues surrounding this topic. There are two parts to each diary. First, a volunteer diarist will offer their specific knowledge and insight about a topic they know intimately. Then, readers are invited to comment on what they've read and/or ask general questions about disabilities, share something they've learned, tell bad jokes, post photos, or rage about the unfairness of their situation. Our only rule is to be kind; trolls will be spayed or neutered.
In the past three months PLF515 and I have asked for submissions from you with jokes and anecdotes of a humorous nature.
Guess what?
3 submissions! That’s right, 3.
Is it the economy?
Or is it a lack of a collective sense of humor?
Or some other disabling disease which robs the body of its ability to laugh?
So anyway here goes:
From nchristine:
Hey CJ,
This is a statement I make about my asthma conditions, but it can be applied to anyone that has breathing issues:
"I'm rather fond of being able to breath without assistance."
It's usually a response to why I'm rather militant about avoiding my triggers.
From PLF515:
The Balloon Joke
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he’s lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:
Balloon guy : Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am and which way I’m headed?
Ground guy: SURE! You’re at 43 degrees 12 minutes 2.4 seconds north, 121 degrees, 51 minutes, 13.5 seconds west, you’re at 212 meters above sea level, and right now you’re hovering, but on the way here you were headed at 2.112 radians at 12 meters per second
BG: Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger’s Syndrome?
GG: I do! But how did you know that?
BG: Well, everything you’ve told me is completely accurate, it’s far more detailed than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it’s no use to me whatever!
GG: Huh. By the way, are you a clinical psychologist?
BG: I am! But but …. How the ** did you know that?
GG: Well, you don’t know where you are and you don’t know where you’re going. You got where you are by blowing hot air. You like to stick labels on people after asking them a few questions AND you’re in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago, only now, somehow, it’s my fault!
From Alexandra Lynch:
I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. My husband has diverticulosis. If we didn't make jokes about it we'd cry.
"Good Lord, honey, if you're going to listen to Rush Limbaugh, light a match afterwards!"
"Liebchen, can you get me a drink?" "Yeah, as soon as I get done with this message to our Representative. I've only got a dialup connection here, and apparently I'm sending a pdf." (We are in IN-6, which renders this entirely appropriate.)
I also have dysmenorrhea. Given that it feels as though my uterus has grown teeth and claws and spikes and is attempting a forcible exit from my body, I now no longer wonder at the Greek notion of hysteria. At these times, I refer to my uterus as Spiny Norman.
And finally, from me, ulookarmless:
When people ask me how I lost my arm, I variously tell them
“Cheap divorce” or “Wobbegong” (an Australian sand shark, mostly harmless)
Or
“What, I don’t have a left arm? When did this happen?"
And sometimes, when I’m feeling really devilish, I will say
“Bad guitar accident”
On a different subject, I walk with a limp, and that reminds me of a new male contraceptive. It’s very inexpensive. If fact, it’s a block of wood placed in the man’s right shoe. Makes him limp!
Finally from me, my limp necessitates a cane and I have included a poll at the end of the diary with some alternative names for my cane. Please select an appropriate moniker for my best buddy. I am a retired economist hence my love of Keynes, and the Caine Mutiny is also high on my list of all time movies as is Citizen Kane. Naturally, while I'm not a religious man, my Abel(ity) is helped by Cain (sic). And who doesn’t love gnawing on a juicy stick of sugar cane?
So that’s it for disability humor unless you find some more stories for the comments, (I hope),
Peace
CJ
KosAbility is looking for diarists! We particularly need writers for the open September slots. If you kinda sorta think you might like to write a diary, Nurse Kelley and I are easy to find and easy to work with, even if you've never posted a diary before. Here's what the upcoming dates look like:
Sunday Diaries
Aug 21 ramara
Aug 28 don mikulecky
Sept 4
Sept 11 KelleyRN2
Sept 18 theKgirls
Sept 25 Julie Waters
Oct 2
Oct 9
Oct 16
Oct 23
Wednesday Diaries
Aug 24 boatsie
Aug 31 pistolpeteMA
Sept 7
Sept 14
Sept 21
Sept 28 ulookarmless
Oct 5
Oct 12
Oct 19
Oct 26
From Nurse Kelley:
A special note about the 9/11 diary: When I realized September 11 falls on a Sunday, I reserved that spot. I am looking for one or more disabled first responders to either write the 9/11 diary or, if they don't belong to the site, to allow me to interview them.
Nurse Kelley
Peace
CJ