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First, some music while you peruse tonight's offering.
As many may know, Craigy Fergy is from Glasgow, Scotland. I've actually been to Scotland, and spent quite a bit of time in Glasgow. So, I thought maybe I would give my pals in the IVH some travel tips.
Hints for the Savvy US Traveller
1.) As soon as you deplane, if you dont see any men in kilts playing bagpipes, exclaim loudly: "WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN IN KILTS PLAYING BAGPIPES?" The Scots are a hospitable people, and will be glad to produce a piper in kilt immediately.
2.) Everyone in Scotland is highly interested in your Scottish ancestry, even if you bled out all your Scottish blood at your last papercut. Please be sure to engage each Scot you meet in long educational monologues about your clan history, tartan, clan motto, badge, etc... The average punter just can't get enough of this, and will be enthralled for hours on end.
3.) Be sure to tell the owner of every business establishment that you visit how things are done in the US. Scottish businesspeople are keen on improving quality of service up to US standards.
4.) Scots will appreciate your efforts to mimic their various accents. There's no better compliment to pay someone than to try to sound like them, no matter how poorly executed (A note to all the ladies interested in meeting Scottish men: If you get the accent right, all those kilted bagpipers will swoon for you).
5.) Everyone in Scotland prefaces every phrase or sentence with the following phrase. "Aye, och aye the noo". Be sure to liberally use it yourself.
6.) The Scott Monument is a wonderful place to visit if you are claustrophobic. It is one of the few monuments in Scotland built with the concerns of the claustrophobic in mind.
7.) Remember at all times to use the term plaid or plad. Scots never use the word "tartan". This has long been a misunderstanding.
8.) To praise anything or anyone in Scotland, always use the word "cute". Scots just love that.
9.) Scots are quite proud of the fact that Scotland is like Brigadoon come out of the mist, or a living stage for a Highlander film. Be sure to describe things as quaint, which is the term they use themselves.
10.) Be sure to behave with disorderly, loud and uncivilized behavior out and among the populace... in other words, being a Scot. Youll make all sorts of friends in no time at all.
11.) Ask every kilted man, "What do you wear under your kilt?" This is a standard Scottish greeting.
12.) Be sure to visit as many US chain restaurants and pubs in Scotland as possible. Scots eager to meet people from the US are bound to be there in droves. Of course, US fast food is far superior to Scottish cuisine.
13.) Be sure to mention how everything in the US is bigger, faster, and costs less. Most Scots are unaware of these facts, and will thus be reminded of what a privilege it is to live in Scotland.
14.) When in Scotland, you are sure to want to converse with the locals and indulge in a little light hearted banter in a bar.
Of course, conversations can be a little difficult at times to initiate for even the boldest of us.
If you are having problems thinking of a good opening line to initiate a conversation, a tried-and-tested traditional ice-breaker is to stand next to someone at the bar and ask them "Whit team dae ye support ?"
The normal reply to this question is either:
A. Celtic or
B. Rangers
Whatever their reply, be sure to say that you support the opposite team. This will delight the local, and they will happily discuss with you the merits of your team for hours on end, thus giving you opportunities to expand your conversation (Tip - Be sure to mention JFK and Boston as much as possible if the local you are chatting with happens to be a Rangers fan).
If you are really lucky, fellow locals will overhear your conversation and, depending on their state of inebriation, eagerly join in.
Before you know it, you may have the whole bar chatting along happily to you.
Indeed, depending on the mood, the bar may even erupt into song, delighting you with the traditional songs that accompany each team.
This technique is especially useful when in Glasgow.
15.) When socialising in the East End of Glasgow, one way to really get the crowd on their feet and ensure that you are the ife and soul of the party" is to initiate a sing-song, making sure to include such favourites as "The Sash", "The Ould Orange Flute", and "No Pope of Rome".
16.) If again you find your conversation drying when socialising with the natives, why not try mentioning the war?
The humble Scot loves to hear about how they would be speaking German now if it hadn't been for good old Uncle Sam taking the time out to wander over and kick those nasty Germans into touch.
The natives will find a new lease of life and your conversation will take on a whole new dynamic.
©Ana Thema
Tonight's guests are: Hugh Laurie and Saffron Burrows.
Here's the schedule for the rest of the week:
Tuesday, August 23
Lewis Black
Amos Lee
Wednesday, August 24
Regis Philbin
Verga Farmiga
Thursday, August 25
Kal Penn
Alice Eve
Friday, August 26
Shirley Mansono
Tory Belleci
My time machine is out of order, so I don't have the videos for tonight. I do, however, have Craig interviewing some Scots.