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Cheney deciding where to hang the
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(Jason Reed/Reuters)
Dick Cheney has written a memoir. He assures us it will be a real barnburner:
When former Vice President Dick Cheney releases his memoir early next week, it may cause the second earthquake in Washington, D.C., this month.

“There are gonna be heads exploding all over Washington,’’ Cheney told NBC’s Jamie Gangel in an exclusive interview that will air on NBC’s “Dateline”

And this is coming from a guy who shot a friend in the face, so when he talks about heads exploding, you'd better damn well listen to him.

There will be a book signing at the Nixon Library, which is appropriate on about 12 different levels, and Cheney will be giving a lecture:

in the East Room, a perfect recreation of the East Room at the White House.

... so for that brief moment of time it will be just like he never left the White House. Or it will be like going to a haunted house, except with politics instead of zombies. Maybe he'll set out bowls of spaghetti and olives to represent the brains and eyeballs of all the terrorists he personally hunted down. Maybe he'll hold a flashlight under his chin while he tells the audience tales of invisible chemical weapons laboratories that Saddam has hidden directly under this very room. Maybe the whole event will be nothing but ghost stories, in fact: "And there ... hanging from the car door ... WAS A BOOK! Which I will be happy to sign after this presentation, for a very modest fee."

Everyone involved with the book is expecting it to do well:

Cheney will be signing his new book “In My Time,” and predictions are that it will be a national bestseller, especially if some titbits about his relationship with George Bush and others are revealed

Okay, I'm not sure I can properly describe just how much I do not want to hear about "titbits" between Dick Cheney and George W. Bush. Please. I've heard of conservative porn before, but that's just wrong.

In any event, this will be the must-read book of the fall season for a certain set of people; for example, people that are depressed that the Harry Potter series has ended and who really wanted to read more stories about Voldemort.

I predict that Cheney's book will quickly be made into a straight-to-cable film with overbearing music and lots of dramatic pauses from all of the actors, with the part of Cheney being played by the most pissed-off Wilford Brimley you've ever seen, and from now until doomsday you will see a small set of a hundred or so people quoting from both book and movie at length in order to justify invading Iraq, not having a plan for Iraq, not being right about chemical weapons in Iraq, not being right about the costs of the war in Iraq, redefining torture to be right if the United States does it, talking about how deficits are unimportant, eliminating certain parts of the Constitution, enabling domestic espionage, and how every politician should keep a man-sized safe in their office just in case.

Originally posted to Daily Kos on Wed Aug 24, 2011 at 06:00 PM PDT.

Also republished by Global Expats.

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