The first thing they teach you at Political Candidacy U – I mean the very first thing – is don’t eat a corndog at a political event. The reason is painfully obvious. Just google image “Bachmann Corndog” and experience for yourself a sausage-fellatio apocalypse unparalleled in political history. You can enjoy a hotdog; it has a bun. You can devour a bratwurst by judiciously cutting it with a knife. But a political candidate who puts a corndog in his mouth within a thousand feet of a camera has a career death wish that exceeds Charlie Bronson auditioning for the starring role in Deep Throat.
Bachmann’s corndog problem is now deliciously legendary. It may not attain the level of Rick Santorum’s infamous “Google Problem” (thank you Dan Savage for letting Santorum be santorum) but Santorum, like a hydrogen atom in a room full of helium, is too lightweight even for Tea Partiers, and LNM still insists Bachmann will get the GOP nod. Ever the overachiever in things wacky, however, Bachmann doubled down (oh, look that up in the urban dictionary for some apropos double entendre) on her Iowa sausage humiliation by publicly feeding a corndog to her agonizingly latent husband, Marcus Bachmann, the religious zealot whose “reparative” ministry involves trying to cure gay people of their sexual orientation, which according to Marcus, somehow involves the need to discipline them. No surprise there.
If the Tea Party’s lack of a sexual innuendo detection gene weren’t bad enough, what with their culturally tone deaf self-identification as “tea baggers,” and now Bachmann’s corndog problem, Rick Perry, Bachmann’s only real rival for the hearts and empty minds of the Tea Baggers, er, Tea Partiers, also must have skipped classes at PCU (true to his failing grades at Texas A&M). Apparently unable to resist, Perry also thrust a corndog between his distended lips in front of gleeful and thankful paparazzi.
Graphic hijinx followed. It wasn’t long before Photoshop ineluctably brought the two corndoggers together, Bachmann-Perry, over a double corndog, much as the GOP nomination will – LNM predicts a Bachmann-Perry ticket. And God knows that this photoshopped corndogging will take on new significance when they appear together on stage at the Republican Convention.
Frankly, LNM doesn’t mind if Tea Party candidates, and spouses, stuff sausages on sticks into their fat faces, while dangling tea bags for effect and lovingly describing how they need to discipline gay people ― all blissfully unaware of the divine comedy of it all. Indeed, we encourage it. But it is symptomatic of the utter cultural illiteracy of the Tea Partiers that they simply don’t see how foolish they look. We all know the Tea Party candidates are subliterate. For proof of that you just have to listen to Bachmann or Palin expound upon American history (by the way Perry got a “C” in US History at Texas A&M, which was better than his “D” in Econ 101). But this additional cultural illiteracy is just downright disturbing. Any political group that has to be told about the implications of calling themselves “tea baggers” or talking about disciplining gays or wrapping lips around long cylindrical processed meat products is a danger to themselves and others. Such people can be persuaded to believe almost anything, from tax cuts for the wealthy to witchcraft.
Wait a minute – I feel a Christine O’Donnell song coming on: