Yup, that's right! I'm thinking about running for president!
Now, what could a 34 year old man be talking about, he can't be president! Well, I'm here to tell you I turn 35 in 12 days, and I know I can win this.
First off, I'm a TRUE Maverick! I have ZERO connection to the Washington Machine, having never served in office. Even once. NOPE.
I did however, serve my country for 4 years, including a tour in Iraq with the 3d Armored Calvary Division.
(More Qualifications on the flip)
I'm a single father with 2 kids, juggling child care, school and a below minor league internet show! I have experience in 4 hours of sleep a night, and NEVER taking a vacation! That's right, when other Presidents might go to Martha's Vineyard, I'll still be at the White House, working.
I will not make any pledges, and will never give my word if I don't know for certain I will back it up.
Now, as far as foreign policy, I plan to end the wars the instant I get into office. That's right! Instantly! War's over, we declare victory and get out. It'll be a bit expensive to get the boys home, I know, but it's cheaper than continuing the war.
Domestically, I have several things in mind. First off, since I am used to living in poor circumstances, I will donate 75% of my salary as president to the national debt. I mean, I get the white house, and right THERE is my major expense. I mean, apart from buying food for the kids, I really won't need much, so I already have made 300,000 dollars for the US on my FIRST day in office. Since transportation for the President is also covered, hell with it man, I have almost zero expenses. With that 100,000 a year I can still look great for the cameras, don't worry about that one!
Now as far as taxing the rich and corporations go, I plan to tax the living hell out of them. Seriously. They will hate me, and they will TRULY not support me, so that's why I need your help folks! None of this Faux-populism.
Let's see, as far as most policies go, I'm for gay rights, legalizing drugs and retroactively pardoning all drug offenses that don't have additional crimes attached, and heavy tariffs on non-US produced goods. Yup, that's right. Protectionist and Libertarian at the same time! Your heads may explode NOW mass media!
Oh, and I will only appoint total liberals to the supreme court. And if they're blocked by congress I will appeal to the American people. Daily, until my hand-picked candidates are selected. I plan to use the Bully Pulpit in a manner that makes George W. Bush look like a fifth grade maladjusted kid extorting lunch money.
So, I am your Primary Candidate! That's right! I am what we WANT to see in office! Vote for me! A candidate who truly represents America.