September sucks. If something is going to happen, it does in this month. Or the one before or after. A few years back a cat we raised from a two day old kitten his mother abandoned was killed when he was two years old. This cat chose me as his person and he went everywhere with us. We even took him on trips to Virginia, Florida & Arkansas. I loved him and he loved me. I still mourn that cat five years later.
In a couple days it will be the 4th anniversary of the death of my best friend from my Navy days. Randy Van Vliet. Heroin got it's claws into him from his military service in the early '70s and it never let go. One evening he did some and never woke. As a medal winning warrior he was buried at sea with full Naval honors. I miss him dearly and would give up 10 years of my life just to be able to say goodbye.
In the next month I am going to lose another good friend. I have known him for almost 16 years. He too came into our lives as a little ball of black fuzz. Jacques LeStrape is his name, a black long haired cat. He is one cool dude. He actually talks when he wants something. He can say several words like, out, eat, water and knows when you hurt or feel bad. Jacques would come up and lay beside me even when I got depressed and purr so loudly it could be heard in the next room.
Usually he wants out and will scream to get the door open. But not for the last two weeks. I made him a bed in the kitchen with several of my shirts on top of a nice soft blanket. Now I am finding him in places he never goes. He dragged one of my shirts beneath my Wife's wardrobe and has been staying there the last two days. I think he is looking for a place to die. I cannot tell if he is suffering but I know in my heart he is to some extent. He has to be, the old guy is pushing 90 in cat years. When I open a can of food he comes to it so slowly and even waits until the other cats eat before he digs in. Before, he was the boss that ate first.
Sometime in the next few months I am going to have to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep. I kept a dog around until she was on her deathbed. I know now that she suffered and should have had her put to sleep a year before we did. And I swore that I would never let a family pet go through that again. I kept her around not so she could have another year of life with us but because I could not let go. And as those that truly know the real me, not the caricature I have built that people see, know I care more about my animals than I do 98% of humanity. Only cats, dogs and little children show unconditional love when you care about them. And I have to take that love and snuff it out. And a part of me will die with Jacques. It will be like losing one of my children to me.
I can be a hard, cold, SOB when I want to be. But this. I cannot will the coldness to the surface to help me get through this. Again I am going to lose one of my best friends and a member of my family. And it saddens me to the depths of my very being. I have always been Captain America to my family and friends. The one that rushes to the rescue and had big enough shoulders to help take away the hurt. This I have to take and eat on my own and be the strong one for everyone eles. In public. Being alone will be a different story.
I thought talking about this in an open forum would ease my burden. Even as I am about to post this I am hoping I feel better by talking about my feelings. But alas, no. I imagine even Steve Rodgers cries sometimes.