I came for the politics, in January 2008, in full primary freak out. (How were the Dems gonna fuck this one up, and let another BushReaganNixon take the White House?) But I stayed for the community. Which, with terrible, painful irony, has been slipping away in the years since we actually managed NOT to screw the election up.
I never thought that race would be an issue that would tear a progressive community apart. And more pointedly, I'm stunned by the lack of self-awareness: the resistance to looking honestly within ourselves, and eradicating racist behaviors and attitudes on our own side.
This community, as I knew it, feels broken. The recent purge reminds me of this anecdote from my childhood. My brother, who is just a year younger than me, relentlessly teased, harassed and provoked me. He called me 'fat and ugly' every single day of my life. He bullied me, he evaded chores. He was a brat, but somehow always managed to conceal his behavior and look like an angel in front of my parents and teachers.
One afternoon, we were eating on the enclosed lanai. I was sitting on the floor; he was sitting on the sofa. I forget what he was doing to me, but it was maddening. I asked him to stop multiple times. I finally told him that if he did X to me one more time, I would throw my fork at him. He did X. I threw my fork at his feet, aiming to have it clatter loudly next to him, to make my point. Of course, the fork bounced off the floor and landed, tines down, into the top of one foot.
I made a beeline for my room, and slammed the door just in time to prevent myself from getting beaten, although he did punch a hole halfway through the hollow core door. Who do you think got punished in this scenario? The brother who constantly tormented the sister, and had done something worthy of punishment six times already that afternoon? (Not to mention the hole in the door.) Or the errant fork-javelin tosser?
The Black Kos blacklistings remind me of this. No punishment for the initial offenses, but God forbid if you react. I haven't been here a lot of late, or I probably would have been throwing a lot more forks. I started to withdraw as the racism ramped up, and I already saw moderation meted out unevenly. (MB had an unwinnable task. Unrepentant bullies, such as my brother, are also skilled liars.) And then I've been really busy with breast cancer.
Ultimately, it just makes me sad. I stand, of course, with Robinswing and all of my brothers and sisters at Black Kos.
7:07 PM PT: Guess which political party my brother, raised by solidly progressive parents, now votes for? Let me give you a hint: he is selfish, doesn't like paying taxes, and thinks everybody should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, even if they don't have boots, socks or even feet.
7:37 PM PT: Please rec IGTNT: http://www.dailykos.com/.... No meta diaries should sit higher than IGTNT on the rec list, especially tonight. Thanks!
8:56 PM PT: Well, it's terribly bad form to leave an active diary, much less one on the Rec List (yikes, how did that happen?). But midnight draws nigh. I've experienced the strangest feeling over the past few hours: the most intense sense of community that I've felt here in years. And then, within the hour, an incredible blessing: my wonderful friend shortgirl appeared, delurking to comment in this diary. She IS the community I never expected to find when I came here. I love you, shortgirl.
xoxoxoxo,
ear