This summer, around the end of May, I began a boycott of jean shorts, or "jorts", and encouraged my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances to do the same. Whilst in style in the 80's and 90's and likely still remaining in a closet or chest somewhere in our houses, I felt it was important to put a hairy foot down and say: "No more!"
"NO MORE! will I wear something that is terribly out of style with modern American fashion."
"NO MORE! will I wear shorts because it's hot outside, yet choose fabric that is heavy and unforgiving."
"NO MORE will we subject ourselves to painful visions of manipulated jean shorts, that allay said discomfort and heat!"
(well, with a few exceptions..)
But most importantly, "NO MORE will we wear clothes that associate us with the average Tea Party member!!!"
Now, you may say: "Well, GoGoGoEverton, this is an awfully convenient time to end the boycott, seeing as we're past Labor Day now". And you're right, it would be inappropriate to wear most kinds of shorts in "4-seasons" areas of the US now (along with seersucker pants and white/khaki suits). Still, my decision rested on other pillars of wisdom:
1. Folks that wear jean shorts, even those that flaunt them, are people too.
2. Sometimes, people don't understand how much their jean shorts really offend us.
3. Sometimes, they aren't really "jorts" per se, but denim clamdiggers, etc.
4. Liberals should be about inclusiveness, accepting even those that would cut off a perfectly good pair of jeans at the knees.
So I declare today: "BOYCOTT OVER! I missed you, in your own unfashionable, look-at-me-I'm-still-in-1991, Kid Rock kind of way. All is forgiven and forgotten. Long live jorts!"