From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark, You Have 30 Seconds for a Rebuttal:
"There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN."
---Jay Leno
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"[The] Tea Party Republican debate! Truly a remarkable pairing, as a fringe, often-derided, incompetent bunch of yahoos was finally granted legitimacy by pairing with the tea party."
---Jon Stewart
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"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river. You could smell Rick Perry’s cologne through the TV."
---David Letterman
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"Okay, so what I'm hearing here is that there is a disagreement in the scientific community on this issue [of HPV vaccinations]. On one side you have the full weight of the medical and scientific establishment, and on the other side you have Michele Bachmann citing studies in the New England Journal of Some Lady I Just Met."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.”
---Conan O'Brien
More at Dan Kurtzman's political snark den.
And an all-time comedy classic from three years ago:
"[Sarah Palin] knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America. ... And, uh, she also happens to represent, be governor of a state that's right next to Russia."
---John McCain on Palin's foreign policy experience
Please, lordy, let this be a quiet weekend. No hurricanes, no floods, no flapping GOP gums; just lots of nude dancing in the valley amongst the mums.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 16, 2011
Note: San Francisco Kossacks---this is a bit last-minute, I know, but there's a Kossack Meetup with Special Guest Vicki TONIGHT starting at 7. If you're interested, click here for details in Navajo's diary. And when it's over don’t tarry on the way home. You know how I worry.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next End Of The World: 35
(Source: Harold Camping)
Days `til the Keene Pumpkin Festival in New Hampshire: 36
Current poverty rate in, respectively, the U.S. and Maine: 15.1%, 12.5%
(Source: Census Bureau)
Percent of Apple's sales that come from its iPhone division: 43%
From its computer and iPad sales, respectively: 20%, 19%
(Source: Time)
Portion of all 800 numbers held by one Philadelphia company that redirects calls to phone-sex lines: 25%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Rank of the New England Patriots' Bill Belichick among active NFL coaches with the most wins (162): #1
(Source: USA Today)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bit of a nip in the air…
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CHEERS to having a roof over your head…again. Did you hear about the 101 year-old Detroit woman who got evicted from her home of 60 years because her son took out a reverse mortgage and got way behind on his payments? (His words: "I screwed it up good." Ya think??!!) The "proper authorities," acting like a real-life death panel, dumped Texana Hollis's stuff on the lawn, threw her pills in a dumpster(!), unceremoniously abandoned her on the sidewalk in a wheelchair, then padlocked the place and took off. ABL at Balloon Juice has a happy update:
Fortunately for Ms. Hollis, the government---yes, the evil Freedom-sucking government---took pity on her and decided to help. A Department of House and Urban Development spokesperson announced yesterday that it would pay the property taxes and allow Ms. Hollis to return to her home:
HUD spokesman Brian Sullivan told The Detroit News on Wednesday that the department would pay the taxes, remove the padlocks from the doors and let Texana Hollis return to the home. “We were absolutely thunderstruck when we understood that a 101-year-old woman was put out of her home."
As for the people who efficiently and matter-of-factly went about the business of evicting and humiliating the poor woman, stripping her of her dignity and, for all practical purposes leaving her to die on the sidewalk? They should be lightningstruck.
JEERS to going dark. Well, well, well. It looks like the Obama White House is being rocked with its first REALLY BIG SCANDAL!!! Republicans are charging that the administration ignored evidence that investing half a billion taxpayer dollars in a solar-energy company was a bad idea. Further, they charge that the administration rushed to secure the funding because a major investor in Solyndra was also a major Obama campaign contributor. My first inclination was to dismiss this as nothing more than sun-kissed sour grapes. But then I thought, if anyone knows anything about ignoring evidence and coddling cronies, it's Republicans. But will the kerfuffle gain traction with the public? No way, for two reasons: 1) Solar energy ain't exactly Teapot Dome and 2) No chatty hookers or smoking penises. [Zzzzzz…..]
CHEERS to bizarre moments in preznidential TV appearances. Forty three years ago today, in 1968, Richard Nixon showed up on Laugh-In and uttered the immortal words, "Sock it to me?" Yeah, I wish we'd gotten the chance to. Thanks a lot, Gerald.
JEERS to whitewashing history. Over at right-wing web site Newsmax, columnist Ronald Kessler writes about a new book in which it's claimed that George W. Bush was "forgiving." Actually, this is true. George W. Bush was for giving tax breaks to millionaires, for giving appointments to unqualified idiots, for giving torture treatments to terrorist suspects, for giving the middle class the finger, for giving New Orleans the cold shoulder, for giving huge bailouts to the banks, for giving Osama bin laden an escape route, for giving China control of our financial future, for giving our jobs to India… Thank god he left when he did. Any more forgiveness and he would've killed us all.
CHEERS to classy broads. Wow---Lauren Bacall turns 87 today. Let's all whistle Happy Birthday to her. You do know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and...do something or other, it's complicated.
P.S. And speaking of birthdays, let's all play a blistering blues guitar version of Happy Birthday to young'un B.B. King, who turns 86 today (and still tours like a musician half his age). You do know how to play blues guitar, don’t you? You just start really young, take lessons for decades until your fingers develop huge calluses, work your ass off and... Oh, hell, I'll just hire this guy instead.
CHEERS to terra firma. Life is getting back to normal for Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She was hustled off an airliner at Dulles Airport a couple days ago with over 180 other passengers, after the pilot "became alarmed by a smoking engine." The cockpit transcript:
"Hey, Frank?
"What's up, Chet?"
"I just became alarmed by a smoking engine."
"And I've had an erection that's lasted over four hours. What's your point?"
The slides were immediately deployed. Everyone slid to safety except for Ginsburg who, contrary to press reports, finally got her first chance to pull the ripcord on her robe-a-chute. Baggage handlers unanimously agreed she stuck the landing and gave her a perfect 10.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Yay…some cool stuff on the teevee this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher starts the new season by talking with Dexter Filkins of The New Yorker, Louis C.K., Keith Olbermann, conservative political strategist Rich Galen and political analyst Jennifer Donahue. Tomorrow morning, Chris Hayes's new show, of which he'll also do a Sunday version, "Up with Chris Hayes" debuts on MSNBC. (Break a leg!) New DVD releases include the unexpected Kenneth Branagh hit Thor, the Conan O'Brien-between-gigs doc Conan O'Brien Can't Stop, and---OMG! OMG!---the Star Wars saga on Blu-Ray. The Red Sox continue their series against the Rays, and the Patriots will clobber the Chargers Sunday ("So it is written, so it is done..."). Sunday night on 60 Minutes: a profile of Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer…and Polar Bear Spycam!!! And to top it off, Jane Lynch hosts the Emmys.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Guide to How Many Syringes of Jagermeister You'll Need to Inject Into Your Veins to Vaccinate Yourself Against Brain Melt While Watching This Program (aka the "Shoot Me Up Now" Index):
Meet the Press: Bill Clinton; Sen. Mitch McConnell; roundtable with Alex Costellanos, Jennifer Granholm, Helene Cooper and Mark "Obama Was Kind of a Dick Yesterday" Halperin. (And now a BiPM Special Comment: Obama may have been a dick for a day, but Halperin is an asshole for a lifetime.) "Shoot Me Up Now" Index: 4
This Week: Bill Clinton and his British soulmate, Tony Blair; Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt talks about the economy and "searches" for answers---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Plus roundtable with George Will, Cokie Roberts, Jonathan Karl and historian Michael Beschloss on the Jackie Tapes, Obama's jobs plan and Miche Bachmann's pro-plantar-warts agenda. "Shoot Me Up Now" Index: 0 during Bubba's time...8 thereafter
Face the Nation: Cheney el Dicko. "Shoot Me Up Now" Index: 666
Washington Week: John Dickerson of Slate and National Journal's Beth Reinhard on the White House's not-so-good week; Charles Babington of AP on the car stuffed with clowns known as the Republican presidential field; Michael Fletcher of The Washington Post on the ugly census numbers that reveal 1-in-6 Americans live in poverty. "Shoot Me Up Now" Index: 0 (But watching Gwen Ifill with a bong and a bag of Doritos is heaven, baby. "Allegedly...some people say.")
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Medicare slayer Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI); roundtable with Paul Gigot, Bill Kristol, Juan Williams and Evan Bayh. Oh, and also Herman Cain. "Shoot Me Up Now" Index: 9-9-9
Happy viewing!
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Six years ago in C&J: September 16, 2005
CHEERS or JEERS to reading the prompter. As they always do, the press is calling tonight's televised Bush speech---LIVE from Jackson Square in New Orleans!---yet another defining moment of his presidency!!!---but unlike the other snoozefests, the American "folks" may actually pay attention to this one. Word has it he'll be standing on his desk with a bullhorn. At 41% percent approval in the latest New York Times/CBS News poll, what does he have to lose?
CHEERS to smushing the bug. Stomp! Stomp! Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp!!!! There---Bush's Social Security-gutting initiative is deceased. Somebody get a Swiffer and clean up this mess.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to auction fever! You wanna piss me off? I mean, really piss me off? Go to the Netroots Nation auction site this weekend, find the 85 items (out of over a hundred) on which I called dibs...and then outbid me. I intend to win those Clinton inauguration postal covers, the Wisconsin labor movement buttons and the pootie art, even if I have to cash in the tattered remnants of my 401k to do it! I will pilfer Social Security checks from the old lady across the street. And, yes, if necessary I shall sell my body as a paintball target for extra cash. But I shall...win...my...trinkets. Proceeds help pay for the annual Netroots Nation convention and its regional events. Come and join the fun!!! But be prepared to duck.
Have a great weekend. And if you've returned from the DKos boycott early, welcome back---hope you don't mind that we rented out your locker while you were gone (the jockstraps will be gone by Sunday, we promise). Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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