FROM THE GREAT STATE OF FLORIDA
Bill is off relaxing at an undisclosed spa, where he will be enjoying “the works,” including a Bird Poop Facial and a Beer Bath , so I’ll be checking the chlorine levels in the mimosas today.
Since I don’t actually know any front-pagers to interview for Monday's normal Yes, We’re All Staring At You segment, I thought I’d provide a brief overview of some of the regular Kiddie Pool habitués for the splashers who are still wearing floaties. With tongue firmly in cheek, let us look first at:
Bill in Portland Maine, or as he likes to call himself, BiPM. Bill started out as a no-talent DJ in East Overshoe, OH, before to being rescued by his hunka hunka burnin’ love, Common Sense Mainer (I think the name says it all, don’t you?) and lured to the Great Northeast where he has lived literally by his wits for some years. From a small apartment in Portland, he ekes out a meager living writing (and I use that term loosely) a continuing stream of drivel that he tries to pass off as biting political satire. Poor, sad, confused little Billy. For financial support, he relies on the charity of numerous good Samaritans who feel strongly that writing this bad should not be allowed any broader audience, so they pay out of their own pockets to keep him shackled to dKos. If you too, feel that the world at large needs to remain protected from Bill’s gibberish, you can help by contributing HERE.
Commonmass, as he never tires of telling us, is a classically trained musician who spends far too much time playing with his organ. When he is not engaged in such solitary pursuits, he retreats to a small shack in a godforsaken area of Maine, accessible only by ox cart. At the “Rock,” his aptly named private hell-hole, his main activities seem to be chopping wood, eating local berries, and similar Bear Grylls-like enterprises, alternating with inviting single women up to spend some “quality time” in seclusion with him. This is likely a desperate attempt to resolve his confusion regarding his sexual identity. But just between you and me, he is as queer as a three-dollar bill, and these feeble attempts at a macho façade fool no one.
Grog, poor guy, suffers from a syndrome brought on by too much electronic drumming combined with too much time in unventilated rooms with PVC glue and acrylic paint. His neurons all but destroyed, he now lives in a fantasy world populated by teeny tiny orcs, chaos lords, archons, mages and militiamen. He emerges from his imaginary world occasionally to do useful things like rescue pooties and mow the graveyard across the street – which is mainly why we tolerate him here. Our hearts go out to his long-suffering wife, Mrs Grog.
Kestrel9000 has no life. He lives vicariously through dKos, posting, commenting, and generally making his presence felt everywhere on the site – including the dreaded OuterBlogs. Like most Kiddie Poolers, he is not quite all there, as evidenced by his obsession with the pint-sized feathered killing machines known as Kestrels. Hardly a day goes by that he doesn’t subject us splashers to a peek inside his curious little castle of carnage. Helpless little squeeees (and I’m talking adorable little field mice, geckos, and birdies) are frequently shown in living color, entrails trailing, blood oozing, their itsy-bitsy bodies mangled almost beyond recognition. Oh, the Hugh Manatee!
Loki is the official C & J pootie. He owns a person named Debbie whom he has trained to cater to his every need. The camera loves him, and he is by no means shy about seeking the limelight. One of the highlights of C& J is a daily photo of his gorgeous shimmering self doing what comes naturally. Recently Loki has taken on an apprentice, Rory. His accolate is still little more than a fledgling, fiery, fluffball, but under Loki’s expert tutelage, is already showing promise. He is destined for greatness, IMHO.
Space does not permit me to profile more than these few right now, but perhaps another time, I will be able to give you the inside scoop on Ed Tracy, Escapee, Mofembot, Behan, Rserven, CityLightsLover, NonnyO, Mayim, UkiOli, Foytc, Texmex, Legendmn, Actbriniel, RB608, and so many others who have called C & J “home” for so long. Until then:
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note: To self: Do not answer phone while ironing unless you want to look like a VanGogh self portrait.
By the Numbers:
Days to the Wooly Worm Festival in Banner Elk, NC: 12
Days to the Fire Ant Festival in Marshal, TX: 5
Days to the Destin Fishing Rodeo in Destin, FL: none – Now through October
Percent of restaurants world-wide considered pizzarias: 17%
Amount of pizza eaten by American each day: 100 acres
World record for most pizza eaten in 10 minutes: 47 slices of a 16 incher
Puppy pic of the day: Is this a dog or did a mop just explode?
CHEERS to rising from the ashes. Florida’s beloved Cypress Gardens park, famous since 1936 for elaborate gardens and equally elaborately costumed “Southern Belles” strolling the grounds, has been born again. When tourism declined significantly after 2001, the park began a downward spiral that ended in bankruptcy. However, on Oct 15th, the park will reopen as Legoland. The flowers and the belles will return, along with more than 50 rides, shows, and attractions.
JEERS to Jeff Jacoby, Boston Globe twit twitterer and columnist, who after watching a YouTube Clipdeclared
Warren gestures emphatically each time she repeats her claim that entrepreneurs succeed only at the expense of “the rest of us.’’ Far from refuting the “class warfare’’ charge, her words and body language confirm it.
Altogether now, 1…2…3…misogynist!
CHEERS to our fearless leader, President Obama, who blasted the GOP candidates for not speaking up when the audience at their Tampa debacle debate booed a gay soldier.
You want to be Commander-in-Chief? You can start by standing up for the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States, even when it’s not politically convenient.”
JEERS to South Carolina GOP Chairman Chad Connelly who threw a hissy fit after Florida voted to move the state’s primary to January, 2012.
“Rogue states have once again dictated the Presidential nominating calendar. I call on my fellow RNC members and all Republicans to strongly condemn Florida's decision."
But in a classic pot vs. kettle move, he then pledged to move South Carolina’s primary ahead of Florida’s in order to grab all the media attention and free advertising that goes to whichever state is first. January may be a busy month for the GOP; officials in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada also have said they'll change their dates to stay ahead of Florida. I’m shocked and angry.
How dare he compare my state to Sarah Palin!!!
Five minutes ago in Cheers and Jeers: I walked the woozle wearing a sweatshirt!. The temperature dropped 20 degrees here in two days. Fall has fell.
And Just One More:
CHEERS to Men in Pink! It’s October, which is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. These guys have taken the heroic, tough-guy image associated with firefighters and police, and made it blush. Aboard shocking pink fire trucks and dressed in pink turnouts, these champions of women everywhere drive thousands of miles each year to fundraise and call attention to this terrible disease. It’s true – real men do wear pink! I walked in a 5k Saturday, and I know many of you will also be walking or participating in some sort of fundraising activity this month. HUGS to all of you and all of them, and keep fighting the good fight!
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine is fundamentally broken." Education Secretary Arne Duncan
9:13 AM PT: links fixed?