I've been sick for weeks now. And I've been depressed for years - probably my entire adult life.
I'm so sick and tired. I finally saw a doctor today, but since I haven't been able to get Medicaid as a single 52 year-old male, it cost me $50 for the appointment at the county health clinic. I knew I had an infection and the doctor concurred. He told me to get two prescriptions filled. The doctor told me I should be able to fill the generic anti-depressant for around $4 at the market across the street. That seemed like very good news. The first good news I'd had in a while.
He then said I will need to see a dentist and have a root canal or extraction after the inflection in my mouth clears up. He recommended a dentist in the next town that might be low cost, but he wasn't sure if it was affordable. The thought of having to figure out how to pay for a major dental expense caused my head to pound and my eyes to well up. I kept my head down and I went out the clinic's side exit so I didn't have to go through the waiting room and have all those strangers see me crying.
I waited for 15 minutes after giving my prescription to a woman at the supermarket pharmacy. Then I was told it was $81 for the antibiotic (40 pills) and the anti-depressant (30 pills). I didn't have enough money. I tried my debit card, even though I knew it would be declined. The 20-something technician looked at me like I was an alien from Mars when 'Insufficient Funds' appeared on his screen. I told him 'never mind, it's okay, I'm better off dead.' I turned away embarrassed at having said that. But it was a relief, too. I said it right there in the supermarket. I'm better off dead. I'd thought it many, many times in my life, but I'd never, ever said it aloud until that moment.
After I sat in my van crying for a minute, I felt a bizarre sense of obligation to call the county clinic to cancel the follow-up blood draw appointment this Thursday. I was still crying when I told the woman who answered the phone, 'since I can't get my prescriptions I don't see any point in coming back.' And she giggled. She hadn't even asked me who I was yet, but I guess she thought I was a funny old fag. I told her 'with some luck I should be dead by Thursday, but thanks anyway.' I hung up. And cried. I'm very tired.
If I had a garage to park in, maybe I could turn on the van and then I could go to sleep. I thought about the internet search I did last weekend. I was looking for a painless method of exiting this fucked up world, but the 'best' method seemed so complicated and intricate - it was better suited to someone that had some assistance to plan for the end. And the others were difficult, too. All required planning or finances that are beyond me. I wish I could down some cheap pills and be done with this shit.
Today I did contemplate driving head-on into a speeding car. But, I don't want to hurt anyone else, I just want to sleep. I'm so tired.
And I'm sorry.
_______ UPDATE 2:30pm PDT ______
I'm embarrassed and deeply ashamed. I came
back only to delete this and I found an outpouring of
good wishes from so many people. Thank you.
I had typed this diary up as a goodbye to someone I've
known for 25+ years, but I couldn't bring myself to send
it to him. None of you deserve to read about my
sad poo of a life.
I'm amazed, but I'm not surprised at all the information
and offers of help posted here on DKos.
I haven't read through the comments because I'm crying
too hard, but I appreciate each and every one of you who took
time to read this.
_______UPDATE 3:32pm PDT _____
I've been trying to sort out getting the prescription. I called and left
a message for the doctor so I hope to get the prescription figured
out tomorrow. I left the script at the pharmacy, so I don't know what
the name of the antibiotic was. The anti-depressant was the genric
for prozac.
An angel appeared at 3:20 pm. She is a 78 year old lady who is new
to this area and she wanted to know if I would walk her dog
because she is not up to it. Her neighbor told her that I have walked
dogs for many people around here.
P.S. I received a test $ through PayPal. I'm grateful to those of you
who have asked if you can send money, and I will respond to comments
and messages as soon as I can.
________5:00 pm_______
Thank you. You are all so generous. And I will pay it forward.
Because of the generosity of many kind Kossacks, I will be getting
the prescriptions filled one way or another. I will still try to get
a better deal and am waiting to find out if the doctor will write
a new prescription so I can get an antibiotic off the $4 list at
a pharmacy mentioned in the comments.
Mojave Desert Wildflowers, 2008.
_______6:22 pm_________
I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of spirit I have found here today.
Overwhelmed by both the monetary donations and the heartfelt
messages from so many 'strangers.'
You are all amazing. AMAZING. Like a force of nature.
A California desert storm - 2011
Love,
Brian
If you'd like to email me:
desertguydk@gmail.com - and it works for PayPal, too.