I thought this might be timely considering Occupy Wall Street. So enjoy those below and tell the ones you have.
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
I went golfing with my banker, but never again. Every time I yelled FORE he yelled CLOSURE.
Banks have a very interesting philosophy. You give them your money to keep--and if you try to borrow it back, they want to know if you're good for it!
Some banks charge incredibly high interest rates. You can tell those because the TV camera that takes pictures of the robbers is aimed at the loan officer.
A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown
bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller
that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit,
in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large
sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the
bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in
fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation
to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller
escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited
her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his
curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened
to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional
sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll
bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to
back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she
promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking
to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution
he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home
early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved
to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept.
He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the
unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour,
accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was,
she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along
when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular
bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming.
She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering
the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the
circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his
pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in
the corner, banging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and
replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before 10 A.M. today I'd
have the president of the bank by the balls."
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account
right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and
told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager
asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million
in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this
damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a
hard time?"
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Strip Club." One of my
buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. The "dancer"
came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the
girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks,
and went home.
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
-- Mark Twain
Bull Market:
Is a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market:
Is a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Bear:
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
Bull:
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
On with the games!!
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8) TexDem (that's me) is not bound by the guidelines. Heh
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A. At least 300 different commenters and 1000 comments by 1:30 PM EST and 1500 by 5:00 PM EST Friday Night that it's posted.
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I. That's enough for now. (Have a suggestion? Post it.)
MKinTN posted a diary to help everyone achieve greater success called How to Succeed at Mojo Friday Without Really Trying.
For those of you new to MF (Mojo Friday) we have our own lingo about a few things. Thank's to MF'er Jez (the link will explain) go to this diary for a little more fun and explanation. Official Mojo Friday Snecktionary.