This is the second of a two-part series. The first is who I lost (published Sept 19, 2011); the second (this one) is how I coped.
I think the most significant item on my resume, my biggest brag, is that I was married to John Doctor. The guy could have been a saint and he married me. Now let me say up front, I am physically unable to lie and I make this claim very very seriously. And, I don't consider it an insult to myself saying that. He was a very unusual person.
OK, I'm outing myself a bit by naming names but really don't mind.
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
John. There was just something strange about him. He drew people in. He had the most wonderful pure heart there ever was. When he died, of course a part of me was ripped away. But, because he had this ability to charm people, I never felt alone after his death. I think the hardest thing about enduring a loss is that at some point after the funeral, you are alone with your grief. Your friends grieve and get over it, leaving you wondering where they all went. Worse yet, is that they expect you to bounce back better. I remember a person asking me if I would get re-married, only a couple months after John died!!!
When he died, what really helped was that I honestly felt that there were many many people who were grieving nearly as much as I did. It is six years on October 25 that he died and I still feel that way. This is very weird and it is what helped me through the process.
John's magic was that he was the only person I ever knew who truly believed in the good of all people. This belief guided his life and led him to contribute to many organizations. He was a soccer coach and the president of the community's soccer association and was involved long after our children quit playing. He was on the township parks commission. He was a board member of the PTEI (Pittsburgh Tissue Engineering Initiative). He was active in many local and professional organizations. He was the chairman of the board for our nonprofit after-school program and saved it from financial collapse. He was chairman of our biology department. He was an award winning teacher and was loved by his students. He gave and gave and gave and gave. He wondered why I didn't contribute my time to charities but heck, with three kids, someone had to stay home.
His death, of course, was devastating. It was a sudden heart attack in the middle of the night, something one can never be prepared for. I was all the way across the country in Arizona at the time and still feel guilt that I wasn't there with him. I still miss him so.
Yet, there was also such a comfort in knowing how much everyone else loved him too. After he died, many of his organizations set up endowments or made memorials in his name. The Society for Developmental Biology started a "Best Educational Poster" award in his name. He was just a member really but he got to know the education director and was always helping. Education was his thing.
The president of the Tissue Engineering Organization, told me this, "John was more than a board member. Simply put, the organization wouldn't exist without him. With the egos involved, things got pretty rough and John was always the guy who could bring people together in the board meetings.". Again, he was just a member and not a "high roller" at all. The PTEI donated $50,000 to our university for a memorial in his name.
The township changed the name of the soccer field because of a joint push by the conservancy league and the soccer association. This is no small thing. Changing the name of a sports field is permanent and the township took it very seriously. The only other fields that are named after people are the Martha Dixon baseball field after a woman who lost her life in the line of duty as an FBI agent and the Bird Park, named after the township's first casualty in Vietnam. The announcement and an article in the Tribune Review. John was just a coach and a member of the soccer association but yet, we now have the John Doctor soccer field. Just a person who everyone loved. At the dedication to the field, I remember the township conservation chairman talking about how when they had complainers come to meetings, John would explain the board's position and the people would end up being completely mollified.
There were other things like the conference room named after him at our university, the posthumous teaching awards, and things I am still running across online. But, the thing that really affected me was the kids who he had coached. John always found a way to include as many kids as possible. There are a lot of coaches who dismiss the weaker athletes, but John encouraged and taught them, never indicating that they were any different from the best players on the field. The tear-streaked faces at his funeral tore me up. "Dr. Doctor was my friend." One of those boys who would have been cut by many competitive coaches was on my husband's team. The boy worked really hard and made it all the way to varsity ... I remember sitting in the stands in the fall of 2009 watching my own son play goalie and that boy subbed in. I just lost it. I started crying like a baby and the only person I could speak to was that boy's father and mother. Here he was, a kid who wasn't cut when he was 10 or 12 but played and learned the game, and was good enough to contribute to varsity games. And, I'm telling you, the high school coach wouldn't have played him if he didn't deserve it. Our team won the Western Pennsylvania division that year! THAT was what he was all about. John was about the kids.
What hit me the hardest in these years, of course, was thinking of how he was missing his children's milestones. When my son played goalkeeper (like his dad) on the high school soccer team and had 19 shutouts and won WPIAL All Section. Then there was our daughter, a superstar trumpet player. How he beamed and nudged me when she played a solo in high school. When I went to concerts after his death, I knew he was there with me, elbowing me in the side when she played. He would have loved hearing her play in the All-East performance or when she won the Yamaha Young People's competition (semi finalist). God, how I wished John had gotten to see her play and succeed.
But, it is so comforting knowing how he impacted other people and how much they miss him, like I do. It is a shared grief. John was a really special person and I only wish he were here now. Boy, would he be angry at the state of the country! And, all things considered, it is still hard to believe that he married me.