For those of you following my dino-diaries, I'm delighted to share with you some new fossil follies. Straight from our latest excavations, our paleosociologists have uncovered interesting - and in some cases, deeply disturbing - Mesozoic mumblings about the GOPasaurs' mates.
As we've seen, our slate of candidates includes some strange and enigmatic creatures, any one of whom could be our next Dino-President if we're not careful. We're not just electing them: we're also electing a First "Dino-Mate". These dino-mates offer intriguing insights into the candidates' character (or lack thereof), and warrant further scrutiny.
So without further ado... you know the drill. Follow along below the coprolite...
Invisisaurus gloria: least understood of the dino-mates, I.gloria is virtually unknown despite a 43-year fossil record with Pizzasaurus hermanii. Never seen in public, rarely if ever mentioned by her mate, she remains complete enigma. Paleontologists theorize that she cannot leave her Atlantian cave until she has served out her 999-year sentence of cooking, cleaning, child rearing, and other domestic tasks to which females are relegated in the hermanian hierarchy. Nothing is known of I. Gloria’s appearance or vocalization. Considering her thunderously vocal mate, perhaps this reclusive creature has never gotten a word in edgewise.
Prepasaurus annii: long-suffering mate of Brontosaurus romneii, this well-groomed, well-heeled dino-mate faces a challenge of Mesozoic proportions: convincing the populace that her flip-flopping cyborg mate is actually a sentient, compassionate creature. A Mormosaurs by conversion, P. annii gained valuable experience as First Dino-Mate in the Continent of Massachusetts, a land that her mate wishes would drift away as fast as possible. Mother to a brood of 5 Mormosaur sons, P. annii has been active in charity work, perhaps to offset the evils wrought by her mate and his Bainosaur associates.
Marcasaurus flamboyanii: most intriguing of the dino-mates, the curious M. flamboyanii dominates all aspects of its mate’s destiny, from selecting its camouflage to directing its studies and career. The fossil record suggests that much of this effort is aimed at keeping its mate, the screechy Archeopteryx bachmanii, as far from their bat[shitcrazy] cave now that its enormous brood of biological and klepto-offspring have matured and left the nest. Meanwhile, M. flamboyanii carries out bizarre rituals aimed at reversing the laws of nature. Chances are that this strange creature will never be First Dino-Mate, but paleontologists agree: it would have been v-e-r-y interesting.
Anitaisaurus lachrymosii: extinction cannot come soon enough for this whiny, thin-skinned creature, mate of the once-swaggering Texasaurus perrii. Convinced that her mate is being persecuted and oblivious to his failings as a candidate, A. Lachrymosii was – mercifully - a recluse for the past decade, unknown in the Texas fossil record. Now, its weepy, self-pitying rants have revived theories of T. Perrii’s unusual tendencies. Petroglyphs depicting A. Lachrymosii interacting with her mate do little to dispel these theories. Some hypothesize that this creature is actually working – consciously or subconsciously - to sabotage her mate’s campaign. Her continued appearance in burnt-orange coloration – anathema to all Aggiesaurs such as T. Perrii – is a further provocation.
Exemplasaurus marykayeii: most attractive of the dino-mates, this well-traveled creature embodies grace, charm, intelligence, and maternal and political instinct, making it an ideal choice for First Dino-Mate. Sadly, its highly evolved mate, Cerebrosaurus huntsmanii, is too experienced, intelligent, articulate, and personable to reach the White Cave. Mother of a multi-national brood including two sons in the Mesozoic military, E. marykayeii is the only dino-mate truly and unmbiguously supportive of its mate’s campaign ambitions, and a worthy role model for the other dino-mates who remain sadly oblivious.
Enigmasaurus karenii: absolutely nothing in the fossil record can explain the attraction of this creature to her mate, the hideous Velociraptor santorum. A nurse, attorney, and author, this accomplished dino-mate offers clear evidence that the GOPasaurs often select mates that are their intellectual, moral, cultural, spiritual, and behavioral superiors. Despite her many capabilities, this generally quiet and reclusive creature claims that being a mother and cave-maker is her highest calling.
Devotasaurus carolii: this grandmotherly creature is the mate of Texasaurus paulii and mother of the increasingly annoying Kentuckysaur Randpaulii. Little is seen of her on the campaign trail, and some suspect she would prefer to spend her golden years in seclusion. Still, she soldiers on faithfully, despite her mate’s flaunting of his lifelong dalliance with his first love, the cold-blooded Libertariasaurus aynrandii.
Callistasaurus tiffanii: despite its tenuous alliance with quasi-serial monogosaur Stegasaurus newtii, this ambitious and frightening creature has its eyes firmly fixed - I mean really firmly fixed - on the White Cave. Evidently believing that the electorate can by hypnotized by her creepy stare, C. tiffanii is in this campaign until the bitter end, irrespective of her mate’s plans. Flaunting fossilized carbon trinkets for which her mate has mortgaged his soul, C. tiffanii confirms that even in the Cretaceous, money couldn’t buy happiness.