From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh, Herman. [Sigh.] You had me at "It will kill you."
I think he's stone-cold-pizza serious about this:
If Herman Cain becomes president, he’ll build an electrified border fence that could kill Mexicans who try to illegally cross into the U.S., the Republican candidate said Saturday. “It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, 'It will kill you---Warning,’”
Seriously. Did you ever hear any of the Democratic nominees talk like that? As in, what we really need to do to control illegal immigration is build an electric fence that kills people? No, you surely did not. Because they were even wimpier than Cain. And Cain's pretty wimpy here.
Don't get me wrong. The "Great American Electric Fence of Muerte" has a whimsically-morbid ring to it, I confess. But why set the 20-foot-high-and-topped-with-barbed-wire bar so low, Herman? Let's talk this over, baby. Let's think outsiiiiiide the pizza box.
I've always believed that the only thing that could possibly work is a 2,000 mile long woodchipper. Just one long…long…continuous woodchipper cranked up to 11.
Can you imagine the jobs that would generate? It'd revive the steel industry overnight. And just think about how the rest of the world would react. Even al Qaeda would be like, "Those Americans finally went fucking crazy. Like, woodchipper crazy. No way we can compete with that." Oh, plus it would have giant speakers that would blare heavy metal so that everyone would know that, yes, this is a real...effing...chipper. Probably Husqvarna because I hear they start on the first pull and have a pretty good extended warranty package.
The only thing Herman Cain could propose that would top my 2,000 mile long woodchipper idea (patent pending) would be a moat stocked with alligators. I don't see that happening---that would take Teddy Roosevelt-sized cojones. I'm afraid Cain simply doesn't have the vision to take us there.
Ohmigod, wait a minute…he actually went there! This is unprecedented. Even the world's most evil man, Kim Jong Il, is like, "Today it's gators, tomorrow he's freezing my Netflix account. I fear this man. But I love his pizza. Life...so complicated."
I hate to admit it, but I believe I may have caught the Herman Cain bug. I can't wait to learn more about his 9-9-9 plan ("If you're poor, ya gotta pay more!")...and I'm dying to hear about his diplomatic efforts in Uze-beki-beki-stan-stan.
Throw me a life ring, C-man, I'm drowning in your gravitas.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Note: All cheers and jeers in today's column are, in fact, made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Halloween: 13
Days `til the Texas Science & Engineering Festival in Austin: 18
Percent of Americans who view the Occupy Wall Street movement favorably: 54%
Percent of Americans who view the tea party movement favorably: 27%
(Source: Time poll)
Amount of the federal 2009 stimulus plan that has yet to be spent; $127 billion
(Source: Harper's Index)
Approximate number of cells that make up the average human: 100 trillion
Approximate portion of them that are human cells, vs. other microbes: 1-in-10
(Source: The Washington Post)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
It still comes down to the fact, that is a person is NOT happy with the country they're in, then why don't they just move to another country??? Oh, wait, if you're in a Socialist State, you CAN'T leave the country. So why do these people want to make the USA, into all these other countries???? Doesn't make any sense, does it?? If the people here feel the need to Socialist state, why don't they just move to one??
---Commenter Ehoy at Powerline
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Next up: tinkle-bell collars for all the cats!
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CHEERS to "Give 'em Hell Harry!" "Give 'em Brimstone Barack!" The president is in North Carolina on a bus tour (as usual, he gets the top bunk), delivering blow after blow to the Do-Nothing Republicans and their insistence on letting ordinary Americans suffer for their own political ends:
"Essentially they said no to you," Obama told a supportive crowd outside Asheville. Noting that Republicans will now get a chance to vote on elements of his jobs agenda one by one, he said: "Maybe they just couldn't understand the whole thing all at once. So we're going to break it up into bite-size pieces." … Senate Democrats unveiled the first individual bill, which would spend $30 billion to create or save education jobs and $5 billion to do the same for police and firefighters.
Republicans have already said "No" and vowed to hold their breath until the bill was withdrawn. Then they realized that holding their breath would turn them blue, so they settled on temper tantrums that would impart a more reddish hue. (Rule #1 of politics: control the optics.)
CHEERS to bong hits for freedom. On the heels of the California Medical Association's call to legalize marijuana, a new poll shows that we've reached the proverbial tipping point. Yes, it looks like the fat lady with the munchies has sung:
50 percent of Americans favor the legalization of marijuana, up from 46 percent last year, according to a new Gallup poll. It was the first time in the survey that the number of people favoring legalization was higher than those opposed.
Support for legalizing pot in Gallup's first survey, conducted in 1969, was only 12 percent, so you can see where this is going. Straight to 7-11 for anything slathered in chocolate and/or frosting.
JEERS to the Gang That Couldn't Scandalmonger Straight. There are currently two stories that Republicans are clutching their pearls over in an attempt to force a CLOUD OF SKULLDUGGERY over the White House. But it's not going so well, thanks to those pesky little gnats known as "facts." Case 1) The Solyndra solar-energy loan "scandal" has, it turns out, Republican fingerprints all over it, so that's not going anywhere. Case 2) The "fast and furious"-style program to nab gun runners going back and forth between Mexico and the U.S. was conceived and nurtured in the Bush administration's delivery room. Left entirely uninvestigated, though, is a real Obama administration scandal: the one that lets him anoint himself a one-man judge, jury and executioner. Oh…right. That was started by Republicans, too. If this keeps up, the only scandal they'll have left is, "Obama stole a rutabaga from the White House kitchen garden!" (And the media can't wait to pounce.)
CHEERS to girls with grenades. Fourteen years ago today, the Women In Military Service Memorial was dedicated:
The history of women in the armed forces began more than 220 years ago with the women who served during the American Revolution and continues through the present day. The Women's Memorial honors all the women who have served courageously, selflessly and with dedication in times of conflict and in times of peace---women whose achievements have for too long been unrecognized or ignored.
Times of peace? Really? We have those?
JEERS to broken promises. The signature-gathering begins in 28 days to put a recall vote of Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker on an upcoming ballot, and here's one more reason why he should be booted:
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, who forced public workers to pay more for their pensions as part of a push to curb union rights, broke his campaign promise to pay the full cost of his state pension immediately after taking office in January. The Associated Press requested copies of the governor's pay stubs to see if he had fulfilled the campaign promise he made in June 2010. Walker said then he would begin paying the cost immediately in order to lead by example since he was proposing all state employees do the same.
Wow. It's getting so hard to trust corporate-bought sleazebags anymore.
JEERS to nuts of the round table. Oh, dear god, please tell me there's not another Republican debate tonight. Oy---live from Las Vegas, I'm told. Well, at least I hear that Jon Huntsman and Google Santorum are boycotting it, so we'll be spared a few minutes of "Lemme talk! Lemme talk! It's my turn to talk! You never let me talk!" I'm assuming Jed will be liveblogging as usual (I hope Kos gives him combat pay for that), and it's also on TV somewhere. (I'm too lazy to look it up---just start flipping through your channels tonight until you hear "NINE NINE NINE! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! NINE NINE NINE! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!") Oh, and here's the drinking game, which requires intense focus and quick reflexes: take a swig every time Rick Perry opens his eyes.
CHEERS to news from across The Pond. Today marks the 89th anniversary of the BBC. They've maintained a reputation for being cool, calm, impartial, and accurate. So of course Americans have no idea what to make of it. (Plus they talk funny!)
[FACEPALM] to the whoopsie-do of the day. McClatchy News, bless their hearts, apparently saw nothing wrong with this headline: Many Hispanic voters are on fence about Obama in 2012. Please…no one tell Herman Cain or he'll flick the switch.
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Five years ago in C&J: October 18, 2006
JEERS to the Land of 300,000,000 Potential Enemy Combatants. Yesterday President Bush---under the watchful eyes of the other three Republicans of the Apocalypse---signed a bill that legalizes torture in America. And, as a special bonus, it also wipes away that pesky writ of Habeas Corpus. Here's his logic: by knowing that we could really be captured, sodomized with a broomstick, waterboarded and tried based on hearsay or coerced testimony, don't we all love freedom more today than we did yesterday, when we took it for granted? Bravo, Mr. President....you've saved us from ourselves.
JEERS to vermin on the Hill. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky is the very model of a modern major, um, prick:
A six-month examination of U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell's career by the Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader, based on thousands of documents and scores of interviews, "shows the nexus between his actions and his donors' agendas," the paper concludes in a major report today. "He pushes the government to help cigarette makers, Las Vegas casinos, the pharmaceutical industry, credit card lenders, coal mine owners and others."
Because, of course, a cigarette- and gambling addicted, price-gouged, debt-ridden citizenry that works in unsafe conditions is a happy citizenry!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Billy's first patient. Well, this has been fun. My partner, Michael, and I have been together for 18-and-a-half (yeah, we still count the halfs) years, and in all that time he hasn’t been sick for a single day. Every time he thought something was coming on, it didn't. He's just one of those lucky ducks who has a Teflon-coated immune system, I guess. But last Friday he finally got walloped, and now he's bouncing back little-by-little from sinusitis, aka How Can My Entire Face Be Hurting So Intensely Like This Including My EYEBALLS And My TEETH Syndrome. And yesterday, for the first time since I met him on May 30, 1993, Michael took a sick day from work. It's literally the first time I've taken care of a partner. I made him tomato soup, fluffed his pillow, spent 8 hours cleaning the bathroom (okay, that was weird), made sure he got his nom noms and furiously tried to track down the will (I get forty bucks and the Scooby-Doo Dixie Cup dispenser---sweet). It finally gave me a little glimpse into that whole "in sickness and in health" commitment the preachers keep yammering on about. So two conclusions: 1) I'm happy to say I earned my nurse's stripes and 2) Thank god he's back at work because otherwise we might've killed each other on day two. With love, of course, with love. Or did he say rocks?
Have a symptom-free Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Our Cheers and Jeers coordinator had given me a white silk diaper and demonstrated how to hold it out as an offering, a mark of respect to Bill in Portland Maine---but only if he approached.
---Ian Williams
NBC News
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