Realizing – too late, perhaps – that his current team of campaign advisers is simply not up to the task, Rick Perry has put out a call for replacements. Since many of you on this site are seeking employment, perhaps you’d like to infiltrate the campaign and make some big bucks for the next couple of months. I’m pretty sure most of you could do a better job than the current gang of Lone Star loyalists, who’ve led Rick down a blind alley and left him for dead.
If you’re interested in joining Team Perry, here are the skills and qualifications you’ll need:
Strategy development: It turns out that the national process is more complicated than we thought. It’s no longer enough to refuse to debate, throw out a few spurious claims about our opponents, and cruise to victory. Instead, we’re going to have to establish campaign organizations in the primary states, debate, campaign, produce ads, and meet with voters. That’s going to eat up a lot of the money we were saving for other stuff, so need a plan, pronto.
Economic policy: To revive our campaign, we’ll need to explain our “Texas Miracle” in terms that the voter can understand. We’ve got a great message; we just need to make it simple, like that “9-9-9” thing, or “drill, baby, drill”. We’ll arm you with all the facts about our low taxes, job creation, educational programs for immigrants, streamlined regulatory processes, and other business-friendly benefits of the Lone Star State. Your job will be to turn it all into some catchy sound bites.
Speechwriting: With all of our upcoming campaign events and release of our exciting and long-awaited economic plans, we’re looking for someone to craft clear, compelling political speeches that are made up out of short words and will sound good with a Texas drawl. We’re looking for that authentic, genuine, folksy, believable style that will appeal to our base. If you can fake that, you’re in. English majors need not apply.
Debate Prep: One of your key tasks – starting this afternoon – will be prepping Rick for debates. This includes scripting questions for him to ask the other candidates, anticipating the kinds of questions he’ll be getting and coming up with answers. We’re expecting to get some questions about the Texas Miracle, immigrations, executions, that kind of thing. You’ll also be responsible for ensuring that he’s on his game - alert and focused. A pharmacology background is desirable, but not required.
Discretion: On the campaign trail, you’ll see and hear some things, private things not intended for public consumption. Your ability to ignore, stonewall, or otherwise suppress information on these matters is essential. Before joining our team, you’ll be asked to sign a confidentiality agreement, a social media policy, and an attorney-client privilege agreement and retainer with one of our campaign law firms.
Spouse Management: As you’ve seen, one of our key challenges is corralling our little Anita. She’s not used to the rough and tumble world of politics, and you’ve seen how well she does on her own. That’s gotta end, and fast. She’ll be needing some political coaching, a makeover, some nice clothes and shoes, and some international travel arrangements for extended spa visits. Money’s no object, but time is of the essence.
If you think you’re Team Perry material, please use the comment field below to tell us why we should bring you on board in 100 words or less. If selected, you’ll need to start immediately. In return for your commitment to the team, we can offer you a competitive salary and benefits package, all the Tex-Mex food you can eat, and the chance to be part of history. Or a campaign that’s “history”. Something like that. Yeah.