Concurrent with the implementation of the “$5 a month to use your own money fee”, we are announcing the implementation of another, new fee.
We’re calling it the “US Government Access Fee.” A new fee will be assessed if you make access to government services including but not in any way limited to the following services: the courts to enforce foreclosures; police to secure your businesses from thieves, not to mention those pesky demonstrators (service as agents provocateur will be added as a special bonus); and last but not least, legislators and regulators to rig all and every business, transaction, scheme or game in your favor.
“You” in this context should taken to read as any person other than natural human persons, who are increasingly unable to access these services, so they won’t be charged. (You know, it’s just like if you don’t use the debit card, you won’t pay a fee.)
The fee will be assessed quarterly and calculated as 34% of your reported quarterly profits, or $100 billion, whichever is less. Oh, and by the way, if you make money one quarter and lose money the next, tough.