It feels as if it's been months since I've posted an update about my Occupy Boston experiences. Such is the intensity of the experience. It's rich. It's densely packed. It can feel overwhelming. Each day I have a hard time remembering by evening if all that occurred happened in just one day, or whether it really was a few and I've just lost track.
I last wrote of my serious concerns that I would need to leave Occupy Boston. As I am a fervent believer in the global horizontal democracy movement, that would be a very painful decision for me. I have moved through a lot since then. I have not reached a conclusion, but I have set myself on a different path from which I will continue to make the assessment.
I have many topics on my mind and, as they are all swirling around together to generate the totality of my experience, how I'm feeling and what informs my personal decisions, I think I'll try to encapsulate them each and see if and how they might flow together.
Wrestling with Others:
When last I wrote, I was mired in the question of whether a predominantly white group does a disservice to the movement by trying to publish a list of demands. This explorations includes such considerations as: is it 'inclusive' to speak for someone else because you think you know what they would say?; Does Occupy Boston need to reflect the demographics of Boston before it can claim to be representative?; If Occupy Boston defines itself as simply claiming to represent those who are actively engaged is that okay?
I am not comfortable with calling ourselves Occupy Boston - rather than, say, Occupy Dewey Square - and then issuing declarations or demands if the demographics of our group don't come close to representing the demographics of the city. I'm also of a mind that it's patronizing to speak for someone else rather than letting her speak for herself. If a man told me that he was going to write the agenda for a women's rights group, I wouldn't give what he wrote a second of my time. I'm also of a mind to believe that this current crisis, where the white middle class is finally feeling the oppression of the US White Democracy, must turn to those who have been oppressed the longest for guidance. We have accepted a certain privilege in the feudal system at the expense of others. Those others have had a very long time to think about how the system fails to be a real democracy and what they would like to see done differently. They have had their voice silenced for centuries and they deserve to be the ones who voices are most amplified now.
These are my personal opinions. They are not necessarily mainstream Occupy Boston opinions. At the time of my last post, I had been engaged in conversations with people are hold strong opinions about the need to publish a list of demands now and that it's okay for white people to list those demands.
Those conversations were difficult. I didn't feel that I was being responded to respectfully. Sometimes the responses were outright offensive. It felt more like a wrestling match, testing your ability to twist in and out of strangleholds, than an exercise in collaborative thinking. My internal tension levels were ratcheting up quickly. How can Occupy Boston have a future if we can't have a civil dialogue? It began to feel like an imperative that I do all I can to address this! This anxiety was manifesting itself as a steely voice of detached reason and lecturing. I didn't like how I was being. That furthered my feeling that I might need to walk away. If I can't bring positive, generative energy, then I am becoming a destructive force. I don't want to be that. It's not healthy for me or for the movement.
A fortuitous phone message regarding something unrelated to Occupy Boston moved me into a different energy with a different idea of how I would walk through my experience of Occupy Boston.
Do What You Love
The message was from my lovely pastor, reminding me that I had committed to lead a workshop on financial literacy next week. She was giving me the option to back out because she knew how much energy I was giving Occupy Boston and she closed the message by saying, "because, remember, we only do what we love."
We only do what we love. It stopped me in my tracks. I wasn't loving what I was doing. I was compelled, but my actions were not the kind of thing I love to do. What I love to do is to connect with people and build connections to generate a compassionate world. I love to teach because I love to empower people. I love to write about these things as a way of helping myself gain clarity. I don't write to teach or to push clarity on others. I write as an offering of my own internal workings.
Arguing with people is not in the compendium of things I love to do. So, I stopped doing it. I let people know that I was not interested in contentious dialogue and that I was not interested in convincing other not to do something. I was interested in figuring out what I will do.
Immediately, I realized that I had repeatedly spoken about the need to build the solidarity of the 99%. For me, this is the singularly most important aspect of the movement, at this time. What I would love is for everyone to feel connected to the process of changing the world together. The most powerful examples of how to do that, so far, have been in the ratification of solidarity statements. I love to write and I love to connect people, so I would form a working group whose sole focus it produce solidarity statements by going to identifiable communities and working with people there to write them. A few of us met yesterday to brainstorm how to go about this. I started talking to people in other working groups which are connecting to different populations. I hope this is the beginning of something powerful. I'll keep you all posted.
What I can say is that it made me so much happier. I am so much lighter of spirit. I cannot tell you much easier it is to do what you love rather than to do what you think must be done. Perhaps it must be done, but if you don't love doing it, you are likely not the best candidate for the job.
I explained it to my church community, when speaking about stewardship, this way:
People who know me are confused that I come to church. I'm not religious. I don't believe in God. Yet, I'm here. I'm here because this a spiritual community which allows me my own beliefs. Moreover, we help each practice things such as doing what we love. Life can be full of struggle and feel very hard. One response can be to steel yourself. I don't want to have a heart of steel. No matter how thick that wall may be, it will always manage to get broken. I don't want to perpetually have a broken heart. I want to have a heart which is bursting. Bursting with light and compassion and openness. This community always seems to offer me way to remember that and to practice that. I am able, with the support of this church, do what I love, knowing I am not alone.
Niggling Thoughts
In the back of mind, still, I do think about what lies behind the tension between those of us who believe it is premature to write a list of demands and those who feel it's already too late. I have a growing sense that it is the same thing which creates tension in lot of topics. We lack a firm foundation on which to base our decision-making. What are the values of this movement? What do we hold dear? Answering those questions will inform so many things. On a daily, practical basis, we struggle with how to assess whether a proposal is so problematic that it needs to be blocked. We say that one must believe that the proposal will be detrimental to the movement if one wants to block it. But, how do you determine that if there is not a unified understanding of the values of the movement?
If we host a debate are we contradicting our values? What about a writing contest? These questions, right now, are subjectively answered by each individual based on her own perspective of the movement. I understand the Occupation movement to be part of the global democracy movement. (Occupy Boston did endorse the global democracy declaration.) That movement is grounded in the values of horizontal democracy and collective thinking. I don't know that most people here are even aware of that, much less agree with it. Two people can argue about it ad infinitum, because the collective hasn't established a community consensus on the matter. This permeates every single discussion and decision we approach. Perhaps, before we do anything else, we need to explicitly establish the values of the movement. I'm not sure, yet, what I want to do with these thoughts.
Assess and Address Your Own Needs
Meanwhile, I'm still actively involved in the Facilitators Working Group (FWG). This is also work I love. This work is full of wonderful learning, teaching and practicing. I find it very fulfilling. I do, though, have to watch out that I don't let myself get burdened which leads to stress, which then distorts my experience of the work. When I feel that happening, I need to self-assess and determine what I need in order to do what I love in a constructive, compassionate way.
I found myself this week, getting testy when it came to matters of the FWG. A couple of members of the group posted emails about wanting to amend or shut down a proposal the group had already consented to. Our proposal has to do with what steps proposals could go through before being presented to the General Assembly (GA). We developed the proposal because we've had many, many complaints about ill-prepared proposals, which have had little to no work done to build a base of support, come before a GA where two to three hundred people are in attendance. People feel that asking that many people to go through the consensus process when a proposal feels ill-prepared is disrespectful to the Assembly.
Discussions on the topic had been happening for at least a week, when I drafted a proposal idea and brought it to the FWG over a period of a week for feedback. Then, we went through a full consensus process on a draft, in a meeting with about a dozen people. Modeling what we are proposing, we've posted it online and let Occupy Boston know that we will have a public meeting and go through a 2nd consensus process where people outside of our working group can help strengthen the proposal. If it passes that consensus, then we'll present it to the GA for a final consensus to see if it can be adopted by the community.
I had a strong reaction to two members of FWG going completely outside of process and pushing for changes or elimination of the proposal. My feelings may have been somewhat amplified by a little defensiveness since I had done so much work on the proposal. But, my main anxiety was this: members of FWS are supposed to those who are most concerned with protecting process in order to keep safe structures so that folks know exactly when and where their voice can be heard. If facilitators aren't able to honor process, where are we at as a community? I think this is a valid question, but the bigger issue for me is checking in on why this generated so much energy for me. I went into "protective mother" mode. You may know what I mean by this.
The "protective mother" is this almost frightening persona which can emerge from an otherwise gentle, nurturing person when she feels that someone or something in her charge is being threatened. I'm definitely a lioness. If I've consider you part of my fold - be that family, friend, neighbor, human race - I can be a golden body of warmth for you to curl up next to when you need it and I can also be the fiercest force you've ever known if someone threatens you. That huntress is not concerned with anything about the person she is hunting. Her sole focus in on protecting her charge.
While the huntress energy may have it's place, I need to keep her in check. When I saw the process, which we have built to protect the vulnerable, being violated by those who are supposed to be the vanguard of protection, the steely claws can emerge. When I felt that, I figured that I'd better not go to another FWG meeting. I don't like the feeling and I worry about what harm I could do.
I've gotten better in my later years, at realizing that when that lioness energy arises, there are option. I can note it as an indicator of something to attend to without unsheathing the claws. My daughter started teaching me this when she was 3. I was scolding her and she tilted her head up displaying a deeply furrowed brow in a playful way. It stopped me mid-scold. I asked, "what's that?" She replied, "the angry face" and she smiled sweetly. I burst into laughter. What she did was reflect how much energy was coming at her and what it's nature was. I ended up reflecting on what it was that was driving me to approach her that way. I acknowledged a worry and explained the worry. She was so much more receptive. The "angry face" became both a fun, inside joke we had going and an effective tool for causing a "pause and check yourself" moment. It was brilliant.
In the situation of the FWG, I found myself starting to unsheath claws. After responding to someone and seeing that it was not received well, in our meeting, I stayed quiet after that. I observed how other people responded to folks breaching process. I wanted to see what they did differently. What I noticed was that while they were stepping up to protect the process, they first acknowledged the person's input and assured her that there was a place for it, just not here, like this. I had simply started with how the process was breached. I had lacked the expression of compassion and connection to the human being in the name of protecting something intangible. Okay, this is I can correct.
So, as I mulled over whether I needed to back out of the FWG, I asked myself, "what would I need to ensure that I don't go all huntress on people." I realized that I needed to not feel alone. That the fear-based voice in my head was saying, "am I the ONLY one who will do this job!" That's a voice from my childhood, where I did a lot of parenting of my sisters due to an extremely dysfunctional family. While I did the best that I could, it was not an appropriate weight to bear on the shoulders of a child. I soldiered on because I cared that my sisters were cared for. I couldn't in good conscience not do something. I often feel that I can't, in good conscience, just ignore an injustice. But I had been very alone with that huge burden and my childhood paid a big price for it. I needed to relieve myself of feeling that I was carrying the burden of protecting all of Occupy Boston's structures for safety all by myself.
So easily done. Because, you know what? Other fully functioning adults are around. I am not in my childhood and my peers are not other vulnerable children. Two or three people out of a whole group who may not be honoring the process doesn't mean nobody will. I spoke to several other people, all of whom acknowledged what I was seeing and affirmed that they would not leave me to take care of things alone. By the end of the day, I had released a lot of stress and felt confident that I could return to the FWG, doing what I love with compassion. I committed myself to practicing that.
When You Can't Meet Your Needs
So, I've figured out that I need to meet my own needs if I'm to participate in a generative, compassionate way. What do I do when I can't get my needs met, or I'm not sure that I can?
When I was trying to have dialogue with a group whose views opposed mine and they were so vehement that it was uncivil. I let the conversation play out a bit to see how others, who were observing it, would respond. Would they call for civility? If so, I might be able to stay engaged. If not, then I couldn't. In fact, when I tried to point out how the way that they were responding to me felt hostile, I was chastised by the moderator for using "aggressive language" when I gave an example of a twisting of my word and said that it was a "wildly gross mischaracterization". At that point, I knew that I was in a den of wolves and they did not intend for me to even survive. I walked away.
In another situation, I am still struggling to assess how I feel, what I would need to love the work and whether I can get what I need.
Do I love the work of the Women's Caucus? I really don't know. I want women to stand in solidarity. At the same time, I am not anti-male. I have many male friends whom I find to be lovely people in my life. Also, I feel compassion for women who report being treated badly by men. If I were present in that moment, well, you know, there's that lioness in me.... However, I seem to frame things differently than other women.
If some man speaks to me using infantalizing pet names such as honey or sweetheart of cupcake, he's likely to hear a word or two from me. If he's not open to reconsidering how he relates to women, I might struggle with how to manage any relationship I had to have with them. Still, I would not describe such behavior is "disempowering". Empowerment is an internal energy. Empowerment means always being empowered to make a choice. Even when we are being oppressed or physically overpowered, we can still make choices internally. I've been beaten. I've been raped. I know what it's like to feel that you're disempowered. However, I've learned that I never really lost the empowerment to choose how I would respond. I chose. I chose disempowerment. That is, I chose to be silent out of fear. I chose to see every situation as a likely repeat of my prior experiences. I was traumatized. I lived in a state of trauma for a long time. Even in that state, I was making choices. Empowering oneself is about recognizing that. Anyone who has taken risks in the face of very real threats to her safety or well-being can tell you that regardless of the threats and the oppression, she was empowered. She chose to take the risks. Others of us may choose not to. That's okay. It's your choice. It's an empowered choice.
So, when I answered a woman's question during a General Assembly and she responded by accusing me of "silencing" her because I spoke with authority, I refused to accept that power over her. I told her so. I told he she had to keep her own power. That I would help her speak if she needed to, but not to blame it on me if she chose not to. She was making a choice. She walked insisting that I had taken away her choice. I don't accept that.
I also struggle with the ranting about boundaries being breached and how that doesn't feel safe, when I later see those who complain breaching others' boundaries. When I experienced a woman overpower the will of the GA to scream out what she wanted to say, even though she knew it was out of process and that everyone had made that clear, I lost respect for her complaints about having her boundaries breached. In that moment, she communicated to several hundred people that boundaries don't matter. How can she expect people to be concerned for hers, then?
I note these things with compassion for those I am critiquing. They are human and they have their own histories which bring them to where they are. I don't, in any way, want to invalidate their struggles and the fact they are managing themselves and their lives the best they can at this time. In fact, on a personal level, I want to nurture them and provide them with so much love and a safe place to heal. I sense that their behaviors come from not feeling safe. These are fear-based behaviors. We are nascent group of disparate individuals with no history of trust. That trust will come slowly. Until then fears will be prominent.
Still, I need to know that in the women's caucus we are addressing these complex dynamics and not simply screaming about the way men behave and not framing all men as offenders. The Women's Caucus is filled with women I dont' see at GAs, nor do I have interactions with them anywhere else in Occupy Boston. Perhaps, they are active in the occupation, but I'm not sure. What this means is that I don't know any of them well enough to know where they would stand or how well they could hear me. I have no basis from which to seek out allies so that I'm not bearing the burden of addressing this concern alone.
Thus, I am sitting back. I'm not fully in and I haven't stepped out. I'm observing and keeping myself in check. It's not clear whether there is anything here which will comprise doing what I love. Time will tell.
Tensions Can Be Healthy
A lively topic of discussion throughout Occupy Boston has to do with whether and how we can use technological tools to enhance participation in our solution-building and decision-making. There was an early adoption of Google Groups, for instance. This led to many moment is our FWG meetings of "we discussed this online and..." Whereupon, those who lack internet access or are not inclined to read 200 posts per day, much less contribute in writing, feel like second-class citizens in the group. Information is power. De facto heirarchies can form, where those who convene online can come prepared as a bloc for some decision and others feel sidelined.
When we bring this up, though, some people who primarily participate by giving input online and are rarely physically present, claim we are excluding them if we don't allow issues to be discussed online.
We're weighing, as a group, where our values lie and how we make choices regarding this. The phrase "Working Group" is purposeful. We gather to attend to a category of work. For our group, this is very boots-on-the-ground work. A lot of what we constantly assess are experiences at the GAs and feedback from Assembly members. We then figure out if there are ways to address concerns. If you don't attend the GAs, it's difficult to give appropriate input.
Here's a blaring example: a number of minutes was taken up by someone waxing eloquently about why camp-related decision should not be made at the pubic General Assemblies. People who are not living there don't care and they want to process more movement-related decision. It was a very well thought out presentation. One problem. The GA had decided weeks ago that all camp-related decisions would be made a camp-centric GA in the mornings. We haven't processed a camp-related GA at the evening assemblies in at least two weeks. This person had only ever been to one GA.
We've had people express strong opinions about how things should be done and to continue to extol those opinions, when they are counter to all the feedback we are getting from community members. Most often, these are people who don't interact with the community, other than coming to the FWG meetings. We can't make decisions based on one person's disconnected ideas. We have to respond to the concerns expressed by the community as a whole. How much room are we obligated to make for the injection of disconnected theories and disconnected personal viewpoints?
How do we strike the balance of making as many avenues as possible for participation and ensuring that the participation isn't stifling our ability to work? It's an important tension to keep exploring. Everybody's concerns need to be held by us all and we have to keep coming back and making decisions we can live with. If the tensions emerge again, we must consider a new decision.
Exhaustion and Exhilaration
One can appreciate that tension and be exhausted by it, as well. I find that I am both exhilarated by the energy of it all and the impassioned desire to change our world for the better. All over the planet, people are stepping up and saying, "I'm willing to to give it my all to see what we can figure out together." It's so damned inspiring. It give me so much more hope for humankind than I've had in a long time. Even it if fizzled out tomorrow, I see that as a success.
Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. Thoroughly exhausted. I'm stretched well beyond my capacity and I have to pull back in before I undermine the medical treatment I'm finally getting after all these years. I'm so exhausted that when the nurse came on Friday, I was walked down the stairs in my sleep. I slept through an entire 5-hour IV treatment. I woke up at about 2:30 pm and it was all done. She pulled off the big, sticky, rectangular pieces that hold the tubing in place so they won't dislodge the needle without me waking up. It's usually quite painful.
I need to take better care of myself and my daughter. I've begun to feel guilty that I'm not giving her enough attention. I have to re-balance my efforts. I have to be there this evening because I'm presenting a proposal for consensus. I will take a few days off after that. I might go back on Thursday or I might wait until Saturday. If I'm to be in this for the long haul, I'd better pace myself.
Meanwhile, I'm jazzed. I love what I'm doing. I love what we're all doing. I love the potential it holds. Life may still be hard, but it feels good.
PS- I'm lousy with tabs. Will you please add some?
My previous diaries on OccupyBoston & OccupyWallSt:
#OccupyBoston: articulating an angst
#Occupy: Consensus and Autonomy
Anti-Capitalist Meet-Up: What is this #Occupy thing?
OccupyBoston: A Hard Day's Night
OccupyBoston: Triumph and Tedium
A space of our own: A Women's Perspective on OccupyBoston clicks
#OccupyBoston: the day after
A Proposal to the Greenway Conservancy re: #OccupyBoston
Holding the Line at #OccupyBoston
#occupywallstreet: a primer on consensus and the General Assembly
#OccupyBoston: learning together
from an #occupier to Ed Schultz: Yes, we can change gov't w/UPDATE
from #OccupyWallStreet to #OccupyBoston : lessons
#OccupyTheRecList: a discussion (w/clarification update)
Witnessing #occupywallstreet: the power .... of the people ... 's mic
Witnessing #occupywallstreet: my 2nd day
Witnessing #occupywallstreet #6: my first day
Witnessing #OccupyWallStreet #5
Witnessing #OccupyWallStreet #4: Send blankets, Updated #2
Witnessing #OccupyWallStreet #3: Cheer Them On!