The Penn State cases has put the hidden damage to children and adults caused by childhood sexual abuse before our eyes. I know about this, because I experienced it as a kid too. I've decided now to speak out (often!) about it and be part of the solution, not the problem. Will you too? Read on.
Silence does not work. I tried that for a long time. Trust me. That won't help. We all, victims and bystanders, must speak our truth. It's ok to not know everything. Of course you don't. Just talk about what you do know. Ask questions. Don't trust silence.
Judith Herman said it in 1992 so well.
From Trauma and Recover, by Judith Herman, 1992 Basic Books.
To study psychological trauma means bearing witness to horrible events. When the events are natural disasters or “acts of God," those who bear witness sympathize readily with the victim. But when the traumatic events are of human design, those who bear witness are caught in the conflict between victim and perpetrator. It is morally impossible to re-main neutral in this conflict. The bystander is forced to take sides. It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator.
All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering. .... We find the two sides face to face; on one side the victims who perhaps wish to forget but cannot, and on the other all those with strong, often unconscious motives who very intensely both wish to forget and succeed in doing so. The contrast. . . is frequently very painful for both sides. The weakest one . . . remains the losing party in this silent and unequal dialogue.
This is still an extraordinary book I highly recommend.
Learn the signs. Learn to think, investigate and act!
I believe the solution to this problem involves a change in culture. We need to start seeing child sexual abuse because it is happening everywhere all around each of us. I've heard many people talk about their abuse (I mean child sexual abuse in this diary when I say "abuse") or the abuse of their child and again and again, there are clear signs repeatedly ignored by adults that something was wrong. Adults are so uncomfortable with this possibility they simply "avoid seeing it". Demonizing perpetrators of child sexual abuse ironically serves to make it even more difficult to think about. The perpetrators are often family members, trusted adults or respected community leaders and rarely strangers to the child. It's a separate diary to write about perpetrators, but I encourage you to get to know someone you "have a funny feeling about", who you think might be abusing a child in order to discover what's really going on. Perpetrators are I think best seen as damaged people who must receive specialized help but we have to stop pretending like they don't exist in our lives. In fact, from the best research we have, they are all around us.
Stop It Now has the Warning Signs in Children that should trigger questions and actions in your mind. Also, the Signs in Adults that they may be abusing a child or Behaviors with Children to watch out for.
Teens and children are often sexually abusive to other children and there are signs to notice and follow up on. Frequently they are repeating behavior they learned by being abused by an older person themselves in a "traumatic reenactment". Simply put, they are expressing sexuality like they were taught, but we often prefer to blame them, not their teachers. Again, that's adults protecting adults instead of children.
Responding to these many signs of abuse involves asking questions and careful observation of your reactions and others reactions. These are difficult conversations to have and issues to understand and you should shoulder your responsibility with the understanding that there is a lot of help. A great idea is to look for help in how to have conversations with adults about your concerns with their interactions with children in a neutral, non-accusatory way when all you have is a "feeling", suspicion or odd remark to go on. Often, it takes a lot of "detective work" to find out more facts appropriate to report to authorities who cannot act because "you feel he's creepy". At some point, police and child protection should take the lead. As commissioner Noonan says, you call 911, but I think the solution is also narrowing the gap between situations where you, me, everyone asks questions and checks it out and professionals with limited time investigate on the record.
To that end, Download and read the "Let's Talk" brochure to see how to have those "difficult conversations". Think about people and children in your life and do a little practice. The trick is to keep the idea of sexual abuse in mind while behaving in an appropriate way. Mostly, that has nothing at all to do with accusations or blunt uncomfortable questions. You might just notice Jeffrey suddenly doesn't want to hug his uncle, and talk to both of them about their relationship. Or he suddenly doesn't like his baby sitter. Get to know how they interact better.
Our culture trains us all tend to look the other way. In the Penn State case, I believe many people (all genders) saw signs that could have lead to more information about this, and eventual reporting. While last I heard, there are 20 victims identified, Sandusky was involved with youth for 30 years. It seems quite possible there are more.
Here, the mother of Victim 1 speaks about the signs her son gave. These are pretty clear and loud ones to me. The weight lifting coach is another. All of these should have been explored by adults.
Another diary here has clear, typical signs.
Now think about children and adults in your life. Do you now see things that might benefit from a little looking in to? No need to make accusations of course. Many people have good, affectionate bonds with kids so you might suspect those sometimes. Fine. No harm done if you don't jump to false conclusions. Remember, about 20 to 40% of abused males report female abusers. It can be women. It can be men. It can be teens and young adults.