Caregiving can be very rewarding. It can also be deadly. Depending upon the patient, the condition(s), the environment and the care-giver(s), a caregiving-at-home experience can run a gamut of psychological and emotional range. Sometimes, it can (and will) hit at least one bout with toxic emotion. In the very best cases, these will be short-lived or can be mitigated through a combination of methods & treatments.
But while in the midst of these periods of high stress & strain,1 you have no idea how long it will last, or even if it will end. Or whether or not you'll make it through as a care-giver, or if the time to place a loved one in a care facility has arrived.
From page 105 of Her Final Year: A Care-Giving Memoir:2
Dark Puddles
(Kathi’s LiveJournal entry. 7/17/04)
Mom's in yet another one of her what we call "dark puddles". When she gets like this, she verbally lashes out at everything, no holds barred. Doesn't matter if whatever she's angry about is based on truth or her imagination. Her hearing also gets super hypersensitive, more so than when she's OK. Just the barest hint of any sort of emotion in another's voice sets her off. When she's done, she sits and stews. Don't try to placate her, or she'll start up again. I just leave her be.
Her latest "thing" is the fact that John lost his job; therefore, I'm the only one (in her mind) doing anything around here, and, in her eyes, it isn't fair. Ergo, John's the bad guy, the bum, the one who keeps telling her to do stuff (huh?), and a boatload of other crap I won't get into here. John doesn't take it very well. On the one hand, he knows it's the "whatever" talking (I should say disease, but since we don't have a differential diagnosis, I hesitate to call it that). On the other, his automatic response is to fight. So is hers. The sparring began last night, and evidently hasn't let up. I got home from work with neither of them saying a word to each other, much less looking at each other.
I hate, hate, hate this. Whenever I come to John's defense, she refuses to believe me. Very paradoxical -- 9 times out of 10 if she knows she's doing/saying something that bothers me, she'll cease.
Most of the time she gets herself so worked up that she'll start screaming that she wishes she was dead. If you try to make light, she'll tell you to shut up, then ask you if you know where she can get a pill or something.
My biggest fear?
That John won't be able to stand it much longer...
Caregivers are human. There's only so much they can take - and most of them tend to ignore the toll on themselves. The situations can get extraordinarily toxic, and sometimes the stress on the caregiver can get to be too much.
Over the fold, there's only the footnote references. Please join us in comments to share your own experiences & discuss how you navigated the turbulent seas - did you find safe harbor, calm seas or have to change course?
Perhaps those of us who may be in the midst of similar challenges can benefit from the experiences of those who have traveled this path before...
Namaste, and thank you.
- GH
CareGiving Kos is a community diary series posted generally on Sunday morning and Wednesday evening by volunteer diarists. This group & series is for those who are now (or have been) in the role of being a care-giver for a loved one. We want this space to be supportive and free of squabbles. Our only rule is to be kind to yourself and others who are going through a very difficult time. Please respect the concept of this group: No Politics Here.†
† By "no politics" we don't mean "avoid politics completely" - it's too relevant, at times, to portions of the topics discussed. But keep any references to politics focused and within the context of the caregiving topic. Avoid flames, flaming, flame-wars and dragging the discussion off-topic. Thank you.
Footnotes
- From Red State Diaries: One Day at a Time by Moody Loner.
- Her Final Year: A Care-Giving Memoir is a collection of blog, journal & email entries compiled by Shadan7 & I with our wives, chronicling the caregiving experiences of the two families. The excerpt provided comes from page 105 of the print edition, in the chapter July: Coming to Terms.