Let me assure you, Republicans, I will never flip-flop.
I'll ALWAYS be crazy!
(
Gage Skidmore)
Poor Michele Bachmann. If she weren't such a rancid and sorry excuse for a human being, you'd almost have to feel sorry for the utter ass-whooping she will receive, courtesy of the Republican Party, once they start voting in January. Almost.
As it is, though, what can you say to her latest attempt to argue that she's the only electable candidate in the race besides bwahahahahahahahahahaha:
With Michele Bachmann, there are no policy flip-flops. There's no need to compromise on one of the issues that matters to you. She means what she says, and she says what she means.
Her opinions align with the conservative ideal when it comes to the economy, job creation, traditional family values, foreign policy, national security, immigration, and the Second Amendment. She has a consistent record of leadership on critical national security and economic issues. Michele Bachmann is 100% pro-life -- and you will not find a YouTube video that says otherwise.
Michele is not your typical politician. She is not about climbing the political ladder for her personal benefit, and she will never voice an opinion because it is the politically convenient thing to do; Michele is a leader because she knows and believes Americans deserve better. This election, more than any other, we need a candidate who can unite fiscal conservatives, social conservatives, peace through strength conservatives, and people from both sides of the aisle in the tea party. Michele Bachmann is that candidate. There will be no surprises.
In case you're not fluent in Michele-ese, allow me to translate:
1. Michele is not Mitt Romney.
2. Michele will never, ever work with Democrats. Never. She won't budge on anything. Hell, she'll shut down the whole damn government just to score a political point. That's how uncompromising she is.
3. Don't worry, conservatives, she loves all the right stuff (guns, tax cuts for the rich, bombing the shit out of everyone), and hates all the right people (the brown ones and the gay ones).
4. Please ignore the fact that Michele's never managed to get one of her crazy bills brought to a vote, much less managed to get it passed because she should get an "A" for effort, which means ... leadership!
5. Michele, unlike her rivals, is consistent about being absolutely bugfuck crazy. You'll never catch her changing her opinion, flip-flopping on an issue or being anything less than 110 percent devoted to the craziest talking points from the craziest wing of her crazy party. Unlike all the other candidates in the race a few of the candidates in the race with whom she has randomly decided to compare herself in this nifty chart:
Neither Mitt Romney nor Rick Perry ever sponsored homophobic legislation. Only
Michele has done that. And who cares if governors don't actually, you know, sponsor legislation? No matter—she's still the only one who's done it.
And what about that TARP vote? Did you know that Michele Bachmann is the only one who voted against it? The only one! And the fact that neither Perry nor Romney were serving in Congress and couldn't vote against TARP should in no way undermine her talking point. If they were true, consistent conservatives, they would have found a way to vote against it anyway.
At least Michele's willing to cut Perry some slack though, by acknowledging that he, like Michele, has a super duper uber "unwavering commitment to life." (You know, as long you don't count those hundreds of citizens whose executions he's reigned over. Because, as we all know, the "sanctity of life" does not apply outside the womb.) Consistency, bitches!
Given Michele Bachmann's spectacular downward spiral since Rick Perry first showed up in Iowa to steal all her "Winner of a Completely Meaningless Straw Poll" thunder, we can probably expect to see ever more desperate attempts to keep herself relevant, even as her poll numbers inch closer and closer to Jon Huntsman territory. She'll continue to run her mouth off in desperation—vaccines cause instant retardation, you know, and we should aspire to be more like self-reliant, capitalist paradise China—and continue to make particularly odd arguments for why she's (chuckle) electable. In other words, she'll continue to be who Michele Bachmann has always been: fanatically wrong about everything.
But at least she'll be consistent about it.