Jon Stewart noted how at Saturday's GOP debate on foreign policy, some of the minor candidates now sounded sane for some reason, and then discussed with Aasif Mandvi how this will hurt them with the radical GOP base.
STEWART: Aasif, what was up...? You know, I'm watching this debate, some of these guys were killing it, they're doing red meat -- what was up with Huntsman, Bachmann, and Santorum?
MANDVI: Well, Jon, their answers to real-world problems was a huge gaffe. I don't know that their campaigns will survive it.
STEWART: Do you think there's any way for them to spin mastery of the issues as a kind of strength?
MANDVI: In the Republican primary, no. Knowledge is like Kryptonite here. It saps your confidence and weakens your talking points.
....
STEWART: But why does knowledge of issues and facts -- why is it a detriment?
MANDVI: Well, it pins you down, Jon. It forces you to deal with a potential candidate's worst enemy: reality. Without it, you're flying high, no money for Pakistan, shove it China.
But then you sit on a couple of intelligence committees, maybe get some first-hand knowledge of the situation, and pretty soon, "although if we balance the need to send military aid with a strong domestic..."
"AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"
Video and full transcript below the fold.
But we're going to begin with the Republican campaign for the White House, and the pressing question, how do you know if you've had too many debates? Well, here's a clue. Saturday night's 3,000th Republican debate was an hour and a half, but CBS only aired one hour of it so that they could still bring you, the viewer, a fresh NCIS......... re-run. Probably because CBS wanted people to learn something about how the government can work.
All right, but the first hour still provided some opportunity to follow some compelling storylines. Would Newt Gingrich's recent poll surge continue? Does me saying "poll surge" make you think of Herman Cain? Would Rick Perry finally think of that third thing? And if you bet Ron Paul and the over, and the over was 90 seconds of speaking time, would you lose that bet?
The answer: yes, yes, and... um... (pregnant pause) EPA.
And most importantly, has Mitt Romney's study of humans paid off? Could he manipulate his facial structure in such a way as to appear to be listening to his opponents intently yet skeptically? Go!
Nah, that says more like, "I'm pretending I'm watching a puppy play with a ball."
All right, this is, "I believe what I smell is human popcorn."
All right, that one says, "I'm currently watching a woman crush a small animal with her heel." Or Rick Perry.
It's called Mittface, and it's sweeping the nation. Or at least it was, until his campaign got an injunction from the producers of the indie horror film Mittface.
About a baseball player who's involved in a head-on collision during a play at the plate that ended up with MITTFACE!!! I'm not really sure why I had to yell that at you.
On to the actual substance of the debate. The subject was foreign policy, and all the candidates seemed to agree, America needs to start kicking the world's ass and taking some funny-sounding names.
11/12/2011:
MITT ROMNEY: We have to have China understand that like everybody else on the world stage, they have to play by the rules.
NEWT GINGRICH: The correct thing in an act of war is to kill people who are trying to kill you.
RICK PERRY: The foreign aid budget in my administration for every country is going to start at zero dollars.
Yeah, you know what, I think I have the Republican take on foreign policy, and it's... oh where is it...? (reaches into pocket)
BOOM!
BA-BOOM! China, Iran, Pakistan, BA-BOOM! We're back, baby!
Oh, what's that? Oh, crazy "gays are Satan" lady, what, you wanted to say something?
MICHELE BACHMANN: I would not agree with that assessment to pull all foreign aid from Pakistan.
Lady who believes HPV vaccines cause retardation said what?
MICHELE BACHMANN: Pakistan has a nuclear weapon. ... The next Commander-in-Chief has to understand from day one the intricacies that are happening in the Middle East.
You know, sometimes because of all the crazy shit you say, it's easy to forget you sit on the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, so you actually know something about Pakistan.
All right, all right, you're going to be reasonable. Let's go to this guy, Rick Santorum. Give us some foreign policy red meat, brother.
RICK SANTORUM: You don't cowboy this one, you don't fly into Afghanistan, I mean, excuse me, Pakistan, and try to interdict a nuclear weapon. You've got to work with the people in power, in the government.
What the fuck is happening with you people??
Oh right, you were on the Senate Armed Services Committee, so you know Pakistan and Iran are complicated issues. If only everything was as simple as "gay people are animals", you know, that kind of thing.
Well, at least no one's going to challenge Mitt Romney's "China better wise the fuck up", right?
JON HUNTSMAN: I don't know that this country needs a trade war with China.
Unless you're about to say "'Cause we need a real war with China", then....
JON HUNTSMAN: Who does it hurt? Our small businesses.
What do you know about China... former ambassador to China?
JON STEWART: What the hell is going on?? For more on these three Republican buzzkills, we're joined by Senior Political Correspondent Aasif Mandvi.
AASIF MANDVI: Thank you, Jon.
STEWART: Aasif, what was up...? You know, I'm watching this debate, some of these guys were killing it, they're doing red meat -- what was up with Huntsman, Bachmann, and Santorum?
MANDVI: Well, Jon, their answers to real-world problems was a huge gaffe. I don't know that their campaigns will survive it.
STEWART: Do you think there's any way for them to spin mastery of the issues as a kind of strength?
MANDVI: In the Republican primary, no. Knowledge is like Kryptonite here. It saps your confidence and weakens your talking points. Here's Rick Perry when he was leading the race.
RICK PERRY (9/7/2011): Anybody that's for the status quo with Social Security today is involved with a monstrous lie. ... It is a Ponzi scheme.
STEWART: Now, see, that's impressive.
MANDVI: Mm, forceful.
STEWART: Lacked coherence.
MANDVI: Totally off base, they loved it! But look what happens when Perry has to address an issue he actually knows about.
9/22/2011:
RICK PERRY: If you say that we should not educate children who have come into our state for no other reason than they've been brought there, by no fault of their own, I don't think you have a heart. ... Texans voted on it, and I still support it greatly. (mixture of boos and applause from GOP debate audience)
CHRIS WALLACE: Senator Santorum....
MANDVI: Booooo!!!! Yeah, yeah! Too pragmatic! The correct answer was electrified alligator moat.
STEWART: Ooh, nice. Although, that does sound expensive. You got your food costs....
MANDVI: Buh, buh, buh, buh! See, that's the kind of obsessing over details that sank Perry. No one wants a Governor who grapples with the realities of illegal immigration. They want the Governor who fights wildfires by praying for rain!
STEWART: But why does knowledge of issues and facts -- why is it a detriment?
MANDVI: Well, it pins you down, Jon. It forces you to deal with a potential candidate's worst enemy: reality. Without it, you're flying high, no money for Pakistan, shove it China.
But then you sit on a couple of intelligence committees, maybe get some first-hand knowledge of the situation, and pretty soon, "although if we balance the need to send military aid with a strong domestic..."
"AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"
STEWART: So knowing stuff, realizing the reality of your situation is the enemy.
MANDVI: Well, it just complicates your decision making. Let's try a thought experiment. You are the President.
STEWART: Ooh, I like that.
MANDVI: Yeah, you've tracked a terrorist into his lair. He'll kill innocent people unless you blow him up with a drone. What do you do?
STEWART: (in George W. Bush voice) Release the drones! Hehehe.
MANDVI: Oh yeah? Well, you just got information that his lair is a kindergarten full of children. Still want to blow it up now?
STEWART: No, no! Send in the SEAL teams, get the kids out, and then....
MANDVI: Uh-uh, think again. Because the kids are robot decoys filled with nerve gas. SEALs won't last 10 seconds in there.
STEWART: Then fuck the kids, send the drones back in. I'm changing my answer. I'm going with the drones.
MANDVI: Bad news. That kindergarten is on top of a dam. You blow it up, the townspeople below will drown.
STEWART: Why would you build a kindergarten on top of a dam?
MANDVI: Stay focused, Mr. President! Time is running out! Let's go!
STEWART: All right, let's do this! I got it! Sniper takes out the terrorist, SWAT team secures the dam, the... yes! The town is saved!
MANDVI: Yes, congratulations!
STEWART: I am an excellent President.
MANDVI: One of the women you saved from drowning was pregnant with Adolf Hitler. So well done.
STEWART: Damnit! You never said this was in the past!
MANDVI: You see how much more decisive you were, though, when your mind wasn't cluttered with facts? You could've prevented the Holocaust!
STEWART: I guess... I guess a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
MANDVI: And I guess voting for Herman Cain is the only way to prevent the Holocaust.
STEWART: Thank you very much. Aasif Mandvi, everybody. We'll be right back.
Jon then interviewed 2011 Nobel Peace Prize winner Leymah Gbowee about her fight in Liberia. It went long, so here's the full unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Meanwhile, Stephen covered how CBS's John Dickerson accidentally CC'ed an e-mail to a Bachmann staffer that was dismissive of her.
He then talked with
Bill McKibben about the Keystone XL pipeline that's been stopped for now, and on a
news story from Phoenix about how teens are now getting drunk from using... tampons. Not kidding.