The definition of gaslighting (taken from the 1940's movie "The Gas Light") is when one person
engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world or there's something wrong with who she is
- Dr. Robin Stern
I'd like to add that it includes people constantly telling others what they feel and how they feel about things, denying or ignoring the other person's genuine feelings. It is often enacted against children, the disabled, and women. It consists of sayings like "You don't really feel that way." or "You know you really love [the person who just bloodied your nose]" or "You're so emotional, just chill." or "calm down, you're overreacting."
As a hearing impaired person, I get it a lot.
People are constantly telling me I misheard - and because I am hearing impaired, I used to believe them. I particularly have trouble hearing children and women with higher pitched voices, so it's very likely I didn't actually hear what I thought I heard.
Once the internet came along and got really popular, I realized I hadn't actually misheard all those people all those years. They really were trying to control me by telling me I was wrong, I'd misheard them, I'd misconstrued what they meant, they'd just been joking, and it was always, always my fault. I needed to pay more attention, listen better, stop projecting. I was stupid, or mean, or rude and needed to mind my manners better. I was told over and over and over and over to "give them a break" and to "lighten up", that I was wrong to feel the way I did, to think the way I did.
I went through a large part of my life believing I was always at fault. Anytime I was angry at how someone spoke to me or the words they used or the actions they took, it was my fault because I was too stupid to realize they meant well.
I'm hard of hearing, not stupid. And I have the right to feel the emotions I feel - and to express those feelings. Most of the time, I choose to express them generically, without selecting a specific target. and I still get the "give them a break" and "lighten up" and "can't you take a joke" and "maybe it wasn't their fault".
And you know what?
Since I didn't name names, why are those people defending them? It's not like I was attacking anyone, only expressing my feelings about what happened to me. They invalidated my feelings and perceptions. And I used to let them.
When I get challenged out shopping or buying stamps or whatever regular business I have to do, other people tell me, "Well, they're concerned about dirt, so I can see why they wouldn't want you to bring your hearing assistance dog in with you. Maybe you should just leave?" or "Why do you impose on them by bringing your dog in?" or "Why don't you just leave your dog at home?" or worse "tied up outside"! Would you tie Itzl up outside and risk him being stolen?
Because I'm hearing impaired, people who don't know me always assume I am stupid. They shout at me (my hearing impairment is actually worsened by shouting because when people shout, they tend to raise the pitch and that puts it out of my hearing range altogether), they speak slowly (also bad because that distorts their mouth and I can't lip read), or they grab me and try to lead me to whatever. They will talk about me in front of me and tell each other I can't understand them, and that I'm a bit stupid so they have to make allowances for me.
In lines, they will skip over me or talk to the person behind me for me, even though I don't know the person behind me. I become invisible.
Being told to "lighten up" or "chill" or "you don't really mean that" or "you're not angry, you're jealous",or any of a number of other comments that tell me I am not who I am or that I don't feel what I feel or that my perceptions are wrong or that I'm too sensitive or can't take a joke is gaslighting. It's denying me the right to own my own feelings, to be myself.
It's not even worse because I'm hearing impaired, it's just more obvious. I've seen it happen to friends, to my daughters, to my sister, to women I don't know when I'm out shopping, to children, and to others with assorted disabilities.
It has gotten worse, far more blatant and obvious, the past few years, and it mostly comes from men, and the women who support them. I got it really badly at the Tea Party events, and I get it at Occupy events (not as badly, but still obviously), and lately, I've started getting it at work from the new hires. I've been here 11 years, and I am very competent at my job despite hearing loss and that hand, I don't need some new hire to tell me I can't take a joke when they comment that disabled people shouldn't be working where the public can see them, or other such comments. And of course, they weren't talking about me (eyeroll and a finger twirl by the ear).
I may be hearing impaired, but I am an excellent body language reader, but I don't even have to be half way good to understand that.
Sometimes, I think Itzl is more than a hearing assistance dog, that he helps me keep my sanity in a world that doesn't care about others anymore.