Please... I am trapped... desperate... in great fear for my life.
See, this morning, I went to my son's first-grade class for a read-a-thon and the teacher chose to put all of the children in a CIRCLE.
Well, when the reading started, I accidentally dropped my phone, which fell forward. I inched into the middle, grabbed my cellular device, but by the time I turned to try and get out... well the circle had closed... and now (as I live-blog the event) I find myself, hopelessly and utterly and endlessly TRAPPED!
Look, these 7 year-olds are ruthless, and VERY WELL TRAINED, having learned their encircling techniques from the terrorist students at UC Davis.
Just like the Davis Mustangs before them, all of my captors are on the ground, silent, their legs placed in the pre-violence state known to the 99%ers as "criss-cross-applesauce*."
(*This position can also be called "crossies" or "legs-crossed" or "tailor fashion" or, in Latin, "I could rip your fucking head off in an instant if I wanted to!!!")
Also, like the college students at Davis, my tormentors are close together... some of them even holding hands... which of course makes it impossible for me to step over them or step around them and escape.
Before now I NEVER knew it was so easy to SURROUND. I mean... had we known this in the 30's and 40's... we could've trapped HITLER with a simple game of duck, duck, goose!
I have considered trying to JUMP OVER one of their heads, but the riot gear I'm wearing is too heavy for me to get my ass off the ground.
I fear I will starve here.
Or possibly miss my pedicure.
And the hand-sanitizer dispenser... is... so... far... away.
Oh, for a dozen Happy Meals and a Pez dispenser.
(riot flap goes down!)
Now, I have called the "campus police," which in this case is a "feelings teacher" named "Chris" who has suggested that I may be a tad "paranoid" and that I might want to "trust" these "young kids" who are just trying to learn how to read, but after 9-11 I must "be vigilant" and I'm terrified that somewhere between "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and "The Monster At The End of This Book" they will decide to take a plastic spork to my jugular vein.
OH-- OH GOD-- THEY'RE STARTING TO STAND! AND THEY'RE MOVING TOWARD ME! WAVING THEIR ARMS! THEIR LEGS! THIS IS IT! DEAR LORD THEIR CHANTING... ABOUT PUTTING "THEIR LEFT FOOT IN" and "THEIR LEFT FOOT OUT."
I MUST NOT HESITATE ANY LONGER OR ALL WILL BE LOST FOREVER!
THANK GOODNESS I BROUGHT MY PEPPER SPRAY AND A HAND GRENADE.
IF YOU NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN, PLEASE KNOW... WHAT I DID, I DID IN THE NAME OF SAFETY... AND IN THE NAME OF BEING THE "ADULT" IN THE ROOM!